A lump in my throat

I don't think you ever forget the feeling of finding out you have cancer. The pit that falls to the bottom of your toes and drops out to the end of the earth. The mix of emotions that you and those around you feel and you do everything you can to keep it together, for the most part, but you are happy to be able to fall and have people you can count on when you can no longer stand up on your own.

Where am I going with this? I found a lump!

Now if you just had a pit in your stomach, I am going to have a "spoiler alert" and let you know it is a false alarm.

I started feeling pain about two months ago off and on in my left breast and it gradually kept getting more constant. I thought maybe it was the under wire in my bras and switched to non under wire bras and the pain persisted...and so did I. I felt my breast from top to bottom and if I could have dug my fingers into my rib cage I would have, then the worst thing a breast cancer survivor can find happened...I found a lump where the pain was. I thought that mayyyybeee I was looking for something that really wasn't there but to be on the safe side, I made a doctor's appointment. I also debated on telling my parents but thought no matter the outcome I wanted them to know...no secret rule!

I went to see my doctor who asked me why I had come in. I told him I needed a referral for an urgent mammogram to which he replied "how old are you? you shouldn't need a mammogram yet!"

SERIOUSLY MAN...could you not have  "skimmed my file" before you entered the room. So I went through the story,  he did a breast examine and yes- he too felt something in the pain spot. After I left my arm was tingling a bit on the left side and I went home and promptly got mad at the world but mainly my x-husband. Not to his face but in my mind...I gave him angry eyes! At the moment I needed a partner most, he was not there. Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support system in my life but there is something about curling up in bed and having your partner tell you everything will be alright no matter what, that can calm you like nothing else.

So I yelled at the walls instead had a slight mental breakdown and then realized, no matter what the outcome was small steps are the way to go. The lump this time felt different, it felt like someone was holding a match to my breast instead of stabbing me like last time. I called the hospital the next
morning to make sure my referral was received and I got an appointment for the next day. Self advocate all the way. Lesson learned.

Sleeping well the night before I took as a good sign that ultimately I should not be concerned and went to the appointment with determination, as this time I knew what to ask and look for. I snuck a peek at the mammogram slides and the technician confirmed she didn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to do the ultrasound to be sure as the spot I was feeling pain was hard to get at.

The radiologist confirmed nothing looked abnormal in my slides and began the ultrasound. Lots of dense tissue, but no "dark fluid pockets" like before. There was one highlighted dot which kept appearing which she summed up as a possible inflamed lymph node or a fatty cyst which had several blood vessels coming off of it which was unusual but nothing to be concerned about.....big sigh of relief.

The report will go back to my doctor after they look at it closer but glad I can breathe a big exhale. The thought of cancer returning is always there and I am vigilant about checking parts of me to the point where I am sure it could be considered self molestation, but I am glad that this year is starting off on the right foot with good news.

2014-- we might just get along!

Out with the old

Well 2013 is now officially over and it has been a year of turmoil. Needless to say I am happy to kick that year to the curb and look forward to all of the good things 2014 has to bring. Some people choose to make New Years resolutions, which they seem to break or ignore a week in. So as per normal I will not be making any resolutions only a "to do" list for 2014.

1. Concentrate more. In 2013 my brain was a flutter and I found myself staring aimlessly into blank space on many occasions, no alcohol involved. So this year I will take the time to concentrate on things and focus more on tasks ahead.

2. Get my ohm on. I have several friends who do yoga or teach yoga so it only makes sense that I get back into a regular practice. Plus it will help with my flexibility and strength and overall health.

3. Friendship is key. Having girl friends has really helped me this past year. Laughing and being overly silly in a way that only girls understand has brought me lots of joy. I look forward to developing new friendships and maintaining my current ones with my besties. I am grateful for all of you from my sex and the city group to my extended family, you make me smile everyday.

4. Chill. I am a fairly relaxed person and I have relaxed a lot this past year on my "Martha ways". This year I would like to continue the relaxed approach realizing that the small things do not matter as much as the big picture.

5. #4 being said I am making an exception. To do small things for people that can make a big difference for them.

So 2014 is a year of fun, laughter and rebuilding my life. It is the year of the horse so I look forward to jumping on, kicking it in to high gear and galloping off into the unknown.