It took me awhile to get over the whole hair loss thing but Molly <my wig> made it a much easier transition. I just wish they had a Molly for my eyes. I have lost most of my eyebrows, not that I had many to begin with and all but two of my eyelashes.
I have never had bushy eyebrows and my "bangs" are long so no one notices their absence. I have also been wearing my glasses all of the time instead of contacts so I thought I would be all good with no one really noticing the lack of eyelashes. This theory would work if I would stop crying.
I never really thought about the fact that your eyelashes block and dirt and debris from getting into your eyes, as it happens automatically. Plus I do not make it a habit of standing in wind storms, so I thought..I'm good. Little did I know that a change in temperature can cause a non-eyelashed eye to water.
Due to the fact that I have no eyelashes, the way my body has decided to cope, and flush things away is with tears. This really isn't a problem unless you are say...oh I don't know...out walking your dog and wind hits you. Which is pretty easy to do in January in WINTER. Every time I take the dog for a walk, I am sure my neighbours think I am a basket case <like they need another reason> as by the time I get back to the house, my nose is red from sniffing and tears are streaming down my face faster than I can wipe them away.
Today I was "visiting" at work and they were painting, my boss is just casually talking with me about his upcoming wedding when all of a sudden I got a whiff of the paint fumes and my eyes started to water. Not wanting to appear like a sap <or demented> I try to casually wipe the mound of water forming in my eyes away, well as I was doing this I must have had a little something on my finger; hence causing the mound of water to start streaming down my face. As anyone knows...if a man sees you crying, he will think of anything to get away....fast. I had to quickly explain..that it is because I don't have eyelashes! I am not sure if he believed me, but luckily I am not a sentimental person...so I think I am good as he did come back a while later and I kept it together.
I wish I could say that I have figured out a way to make this stop but I believe I will have to wait to grow a pair...of eyeslashes...come on April!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tattin' it up
So the first tattoo I ever had was two dots from my core biopsy; which they cut off. My second tattoo is four dots, about the size of a pen tip...sad I KNOW!
How did I get these four dots? Well these are my radiation markers to be used to line me up for the process..wish I could say I got them in a more exciting way..but ..sigh..not so much.
I was quite surprised that I got in to an appointment so soon after my first meeting with the radiation oncologist, but I figured they had a space and I was there to fill it. As per normal, I was slightly late for my appointment, as I spent about 10 minutes roaming around our lovely hospital parking lot with a bunch of other cars before I decided...screw this and found a spot on the street. My tardiness was ok as the doctors/therapists were running behind as well.
I registered at the desk and then waited...what?...it is the first place that I didn't have to take a number first. I sat in a room half filled with people in Johnny shirts and the other half must have been "supporters".
BUT...I did wait 20 minutes before my name was called, and sadly I was the first person to leave the room in that period. I thought, well they are just going to get me changed and then back out I will go...but I was incorrect and was lead to a room down the hallway by one of the therapists. Now I should point out this is a radiation therapist as opposed to one who you lay down on the couch for and tell them all your woes. These therapists lay you on a machine and zap you!
She explained the process which I was about to go through, told me about discounted parking and left the room while I got changed into a johnny shirt..actually 2 -one on with ties in the back and one with ties in the front..guess this department doesn't have robes. As I was finished changing in comes Dr R who is wondering how I am doing and if I have any questions. Nope, let's get this party started.
I am led across the hallway with all of my clothes bundled in my arms and wearing my johnny shirt, knee high socks and dress shoes...maybe I should have thought about this part when getting dressed this morning as this was not the fashion statement I was going for. In the room there are three people <women> all of whom are busy getting the cat scan machine ready for me. They ask me to lay down on the bed...ahh...I am holding a bunch of clothes, my jacket and my purse...oh yeah...just put those over there....I assumed she meant the ledge as opposed to a machine which looked semi important. Then I took off my shoes and laid on the bed.
They asked if I wanted a hot blanket as the room is freezing! Yes please for my legs. This is when Therapist A says..oh I should have told you that you could have left your pants on...NOW YOU TELL ME. I disrobe and take my arms out of the johnny shirt. All three survey the scar and decide how they are going to go about this. The oldest of the three states "When I used to do this we would mark it here" WAIT...what is that word "used to"? I got the impression really quickly that they are not used to seeing breast patients who have had lymph nodes removed as they debated quite some time over how to include that part of the scar. They made a plan of attack and measured me up, made some markings and placed on the wire tape <which had a series of triangle cutouts which looked like arrows>. They eyed up my one breast and "matched" it to the other side. Then outlined the scar...needless to say there was a lot of this tape on me. I looked like a package that said "This way up".
Dr. R came in to survey the outline and ended up ripping half of it off and making the area bigger...ahh...my original breast was not that big..but thanks?! They then attempted to align me...but it was easier when I just said "I'm not aligned...let me just move"..sometimes it is easier to just do it yourself. Then they pressed the magic button and sent me through the cat scan a couple of times. Once they were satisfied with the line up, they came out with transparencies. Two in fact, and drew the outline of the tape and the scar. Is is sad that your scar doesn't fit on one 8.5x11 sheet?
After they were satisfied with their "template" they took off the tape, injected me with a needle filled with ink in four spots and I was done. They left the big room and went into the little room while I got changed..and then came out and took my picture. Apparently I will get an ID tag to let the therapists know that they have the right person. Ok I am sure there are not lots of people out there willing to take my spot but do what you need to do. They told me that my radiation was scheduled to begin in three weeks...ahh ...issue. I still have one more chemo. "You do?" ...did I mention I am not feeling very confident right now? They went out of the room and came back...ok we've rescheduled you until Feb 23rd...that makes more sense.
So the bad news in all of this is that my second tattoo is four little dots and the good news is that I will be finished this phase two weeks earlier than anticipated. That I can handle!
How did I get these four dots? Well these are my radiation markers to be used to line me up for the process..wish I could say I got them in a more exciting way..but ..sigh..not so much.
I was quite surprised that I got in to an appointment so soon after my first meeting with the radiation oncologist, but I figured they had a space and I was there to fill it. As per normal, I was slightly late for my appointment, as I spent about 10 minutes roaming around our lovely hospital parking lot with a bunch of other cars before I decided...screw this and found a spot on the street. My tardiness was ok as the doctors/therapists were running behind as well.
I registered at the desk and then waited...what?...it is the first place that I didn't have to take a number first. I sat in a room half filled with people in Johnny shirts and the other half must have been "supporters".
BUT...I did wait 20 minutes before my name was called, and sadly I was the first person to leave the room in that period. I thought, well they are just going to get me changed and then back out I will go...but I was incorrect and was lead to a room down the hallway by one of the therapists. Now I should point out this is a radiation therapist as opposed to one who you lay down on the couch for and tell them all your woes. These therapists lay you on a machine and zap you!
She explained the process which I was about to go through, told me about discounted parking and left the room while I got changed into a johnny shirt..actually 2 -one on with ties in the back and one with ties in the front..guess this department doesn't have robes. As I was finished changing in comes Dr R who is wondering how I am doing and if I have any questions. Nope, let's get this party started.
I am led across the hallway with all of my clothes bundled in my arms and wearing my johnny shirt, knee high socks and dress shoes...maybe I should have thought about this part when getting dressed this morning as this was not the fashion statement I was going for. In the room there are three people <women> all of whom are busy getting the cat scan machine ready for me. They ask me to lay down on the bed...ahh...I am holding a bunch of clothes, my jacket and my purse...oh yeah...just put those over there....I assumed she meant the ledge as opposed to a machine which looked semi important. Then I took off my shoes and laid on the bed.
They asked if I wanted a hot blanket as the room is freezing! Yes please for my legs. This is when Therapist A says..oh I should have told you that you could have left your pants on...NOW YOU TELL ME. I disrobe and take my arms out of the johnny shirt. All three survey the scar and decide how they are going to go about this. The oldest of the three states "When I used to do this we would mark it here" WAIT...what is that word "used to"? I got the impression really quickly that they are not used to seeing breast patients who have had lymph nodes removed as they debated quite some time over how to include that part of the scar. They made a plan of attack and measured me up, made some markings and placed on the wire tape <which had a series of triangle cutouts which looked like arrows>. They eyed up my one breast and "matched" it to the other side. Then outlined the scar...needless to say there was a lot of this tape on me. I looked like a package that said "This way up".
Dr. R came in to survey the outline and ended up ripping half of it off and making the area bigger...ahh...my original breast was not that big..but thanks?! They then attempted to align me...but it was easier when I just said "I'm not aligned...let me just move"..sometimes it is easier to just do it yourself. Then they pressed the magic button and sent me through the cat scan a couple of times. Once they were satisfied with the line up, they came out with transparencies. Two in fact, and drew the outline of the tape and the scar. Is is sad that your scar doesn't fit on one 8.5x11 sheet?
After they were satisfied with their "template" they took off the tape, injected me with a needle filled with ink in four spots and I was done. They left the big room and went into the little room while I got changed..and then came out and took my picture. Apparently I will get an ID tag to let the therapists know that they have the right person. Ok I am sure there are not lots of people out there willing to take my spot but do what you need to do. They told me that my radiation was scheduled to begin in three weeks...ahh ...issue. I still have one more chemo. "You do?" ...did I mention I am not feeling very confident right now? They went out of the room and came back...ok we've rescheduled you until Feb 23rd...that makes more sense.
So the bad news in all of this is that my second tattoo is four little dots and the good news is that I will be finished this phase two weeks earlier than anticipated. That I can handle!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Holy Hot Flash Batman
I have always know what hot flashes were. As early as I can remember I can picture my mother standing outside in her nightgown in the middle of winter. Thinking my mother was fortunate to have periods where she was warm was apparently a grave misunderstanding on my part.
I am one of "those people" who in the middle of summer will have a blanket over me just to take the chill off; while others around me are in shorts and a tank top. So when I was told that a possible side effect was hot flashes I thought "bring them on"...finally I will be warm. What I was not anticipating was the degree in which they occur.
When you go to a Thai restaurant they forewarn you that dishes are one chili hot (mild) up to four chilies hot (bum burner)...well hot flashes kind of work the same way. Sometimes I just get a mild wave..just to warm you and other times I feel like I need to strip off and dance naked in the snow. I wonder what the neighbours would say?
I also wish there was a way to gauge when they came on and to what "chili" level they would be. I have discovered dressing in layers is probably the way to go and I am glad it is winter as the 4 chili ones would be brutal in the summer.
Here is my hot flash guide:
One Chili- This is just a mild wave of heat. It causes a slight perspiration line on the top of your lip and only warms your face. These tend to come in waves of three or four and are just enough to annoy you as opposed to warm you.
Two Chilies- I tend to get these after eating spicy food or while all bundled up waiting for my husband to still put on his shoes. Not only does the perspiration line occur but you feel like to want to lift your wig up a bit just to let some of the steam out. This one often causes sweat along your brow and lip line..sometimes extending to the back of your neck. These can be cooled down quickly with a couple of quick pulls to your shirt acting as a body fan or a cool cloth to the back of your neck.
Three Chilies- When I first started getting these it was usually the day or so after chemo but "oh lucky me" <sarcasm> kept having them. These usually occur when I am cuddled up with the hot water bottle, cat and dog in bed. This requires a quick pull down of the covers, flipping the cat off the bed and sending the dog into a barking fit. My face gets flushed as though I have drank one too many bottles of wine and my back is sweating. After flinging the hot water bottle off the bed and flapping the sheets like I am trying to take off, some relief of cool air usually sets in and all goes back to normal.
Four Chilies- This one is red hot and I feel sorry for anyone with in a 50' radius of me. These are brutal and I normally experience these day 3 and 4 after chemo and always in the middle of the night when I am/was sound asleep. This is full out war! To conquer this battle..flip all sheets off the bed...sorry to my poor husband..turn the ceiling fan onto high.
As you know animals usually sense a natural disaster and are gone way before the sheets go flying. Once Arctic temperatures are sufficiently felt, you realize you are soaked completely through your pajamas and then you begin to freeze. You cannot get the fan off and sheets up fast enough. You think about changing the wet pajamas but begin to shiver and try to curl into your husband to steal any heat that maybe remaining on him. Only he moves away as your are ice cold and wet and not to mention ...trying to sleep. You find the semi-warm hot water bottle and sheepishly look at your husband only to have him grab the bottle, grumble and go refresh it. This one takes a good half hour until the rest of the night to recover as does all things surrounding. The cat comes back after an hour or so but treads lightly...the dog decides that his bed is a safer, and a less disturbing option and the husband, as wonderful as he is...is probably thinking about the spare room bed.
I am one of "those people" who in the middle of summer will have a blanket over me just to take the chill off; while others around me are in shorts and a tank top. So when I was told that a possible side effect was hot flashes I thought "bring them on"...finally I will be warm. What I was not anticipating was the degree in which they occur.
When you go to a Thai restaurant they forewarn you that dishes are one chili hot (mild) up to four chilies hot (bum burner)...well hot flashes kind of work the same way. Sometimes I just get a mild wave..just to warm you and other times I feel like I need to strip off and dance naked in the snow. I wonder what the neighbours would say?
I also wish there was a way to gauge when they came on and to what "chili" level they would be. I have discovered dressing in layers is probably the way to go and I am glad it is winter as the 4 chili ones would be brutal in the summer.
Here is my hot flash guide:
One Chili- This is just a mild wave of heat. It causes a slight perspiration line on the top of your lip and only warms your face. These tend to come in waves of three or four and are just enough to annoy you as opposed to warm you.
Two Chilies- I tend to get these after eating spicy food or while all bundled up waiting for my husband to still put on his shoes. Not only does the perspiration line occur but you feel like to want to lift your wig up a bit just to let some of the steam out. This one often causes sweat along your brow and lip line..sometimes extending to the back of your neck. These can be cooled down quickly with a couple of quick pulls to your shirt acting as a body fan or a cool cloth to the back of your neck.
Three Chilies- When I first started getting these it was usually the day or so after chemo but "oh lucky me" <sarcasm> kept having them. These usually occur when I am cuddled up with the hot water bottle, cat and dog in bed. This requires a quick pull down of the covers, flipping the cat off the bed and sending the dog into a barking fit. My face gets flushed as though I have drank one too many bottles of wine and my back is sweating. After flinging the hot water bottle off the bed and flapping the sheets like I am trying to take off, some relief of cool air usually sets in and all goes back to normal.
Four Chilies- This one is red hot and I feel sorry for anyone with in a 50' radius of me. These are brutal and I normally experience these day 3 and 4 after chemo and always in the middle of the night when I am/was sound asleep. This is full out war! To conquer this battle..flip all sheets off the bed...sorry to my poor husband..turn the ceiling fan onto high.
As you know animals usually sense a natural disaster and are gone way before the sheets go flying. Once Arctic temperatures are sufficiently felt, you realize you are soaked completely through your pajamas and then you begin to freeze. You cannot get the fan off and sheets up fast enough. You think about changing the wet pajamas but begin to shiver and try to curl into your husband to steal any heat that maybe remaining on him. Only he moves away as your are ice cold and wet and not to mention ...trying to sleep. You find the semi-warm hot water bottle and sheepishly look at your husband only to have him grab the bottle, grumble and go refresh it. This one takes a good half hour until the rest of the night to recover as does all things surrounding. The cat comes back after an hour or so but treads lightly...the dog decides that his bed is a safer, and a less disturbing option and the husband, as wonderful as he is...is probably thinking about the spare room bed.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
When the wrecking ball finds you
I have been tired to the point of exhaustion before but no one can ever prepare you for what it feels like to be the wall on the other side of wrecking ball hurtling at you. Today was the first day I woke up and felt like I didn't need any pain medication, yeah I was on the other side. I felt like I had been couped up for days and even though the weather was not cooperating ..it is winter...I decided that the dog and I needed to go for a walk and get some fresh air.
I bundled myself up with a happy puppy beside me. I think if his tail went in circles any faster he would have taken off. And out the door we went...brrr...ok it issss... winter I remind myself and it was not really that cold, but when you've had a hot water bottle and heating pad on you for four days, -1 seems chilly. The roads were a bit icy and occasionally the dog and I did a little "accidental" Fred Astaire tapping but we got in the swing of things. My poor dog was walking at a much slower pace than he is used to with me <and that is a lot slower than my 6'+ husband walks> and looked as though he was going to take a nap and wait while I caught up. So I pushed ahead and picked up the pace to where is he was trotting along..by the end of our walk I felt like I could crawl in bed and have a nap but no I was going to fight through this. Side note: they do advise to push through a little tiredness.
I get inside and get a glass of water, plan the weeks menu and decide to go to the grocery store. I easily got all of of the items I was looking for within 10 minutes and then remembered ..shit! We need a calendar. I realize it is the 17th of January but YOU have to realize two procrastinators living together is not always the best plan..good intentions..but not the best at getting things done. So after wandering around for 20 minutes and looking at a variety of other items in hopes the calendars would just appear, I decided to ask someone. Maybe choosing a grocery store the size of a football field was my brightest plan either.
She was a middle aged women who was on the heavier side but who knew she had so much get up and go. I sooo should have choose the young guy labelling. She got on her walkie talky and gestured for me to follow her all the way to the back of the store...slow down...I have a cart and aisles to maneuver...then as it turns out where she was told to go was not the case, so all the way to the front of the store..nope not there...by this point I feel like I could crawl in the children's seat in the cart..if only someone would push me.
She looks at me with sympathetic eyes and says..I know where I saw them....only 500' away and 10 aisles to weave through. Sad as it may sound but the calendars could have been Disney ones and I would have bought them..instead my choices were Monet and Outhouses. I thought the clash between the two was funny so I bought one of each. Now to the checkout.
My feet were so slow moving by the time I got out through the checkout that I considered bumping the man out of the courtesy wheelchair and taking over...aiyeeea...but least I made it to the car took a deep breathe..lugged in the groceries and hit the bed....ahhhh so that's what the wrecking ball feels like.
I bundled myself up with a happy puppy beside me. I think if his tail went in circles any faster he would have taken off. And out the door we went...brrr...ok it issss... winter I remind myself and it was not really that cold, but when you've had a hot water bottle and heating pad on you for four days, -1 seems chilly. The roads were a bit icy and occasionally the dog and I did a little "accidental" Fred Astaire tapping but we got in the swing of things. My poor dog was walking at a much slower pace than he is used to with me <and that is a lot slower than my 6'+ husband walks> and looked as though he was going to take a nap and wait while I caught up. So I pushed ahead and picked up the pace to where is he was trotting along..by the end of our walk I felt like I could crawl in bed and have a nap but no I was going to fight through this. Side note: they do advise to push through a little tiredness.
I get inside and get a glass of water, plan the weeks menu and decide to go to the grocery store. I easily got all of of the items I was looking for within 10 minutes and then remembered ..shit! We need a calendar. I realize it is the 17th of January but YOU have to realize two procrastinators living together is not always the best plan..good intentions..but not the best at getting things done. So after wandering around for 20 minutes and looking at a variety of other items in hopes the calendars would just appear, I decided to ask someone. Maybe choosing a grocery store the size of a football field was my brightest plan either.
She was a middle aged women who was on the heavier side but who knew she had so much get up and go. I sooo should have choose the young guy labelling. She got on her walkie talky and gestured for me to follow her all the way to the back of the store...slow down...I have a cart and aisles to maneuver...then as it turns out where she was told to go was not the case, so all the way to the front of the store..nope not there...by this point I feel like I could crawl in the children's seat in the cart..if only someone would push me.
She looks at me with sympathetic eyes and says..I know where I saw them....only 500' away and 10 aisles to weave through. Sad as it may sound but the calendars could have been Disney ones and I would have bought them..instead my choices were Monet and Outhouses. I thought the clash between the two was funny so I bought one of each. Now to the checkout.
My feet were so slow moving by the time I got out through the checkout that I considered bumping the man out of the courtesy wheelchair and taking over...aiyeeea...but least I made it to the car took a deep breathe..lugged in the groceries and hit the bed....ahhhh so that's what the wrecking ball feels like.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The strange and unusal
As mentioned before my hand swelled a bit with this last round...OK a lot. It seems that this, of all of the things I had, concerned my oncologist the most as he did not like the fact it was on the top side of my hand on the side I had the mastectomy. They (Nurse H and Dr R) kind of freaked me out with thoughts of blood clots and possible a cat scan should it occur again. I am to watch for any swelling in the arm (possible lymphedema beginning) and if my hand swells this time round I am to call them as they may want to give me a water pill first to see if that takes it down. I thought the numb face and loss of taste would raise concerns but nope..the red hand was the kicker.
And believe it or not, I have little hairs beginning to grown on the top of my head..not on the sides only the top. They are not in multitudes but at least there is more than a week ago so maybe this hair growth thing will start earlier than anticipated. I can only hope on this one. It is still too early in their growth to see what colour/texture they are going to be, but so far they look brown which is much better than the possibility of grey...stay tuned on this one. I have also got a long brown curly wig to play to my alter ego..but right now I look like a drag queen with it on so styling is a must...appointment booked with D on Monday.
So I had chemo number 5 yesterday and besides the poke of three times to get the IV in all went smooth. If you don't count the two hours it took to get my drug from pharmacy to the chemo floor by a porter....so my one hour timeline increased to three. So next round, the nurse will just inject and leave me as I had two round of this doxetaxol with no issues so that is the good news. Now if I can only arrange not to be seated next to the women who used her cell phone..soo not allowed in this ward... and recorded a book while I was trying to read. It is hard when the rooms are in constant patient rotation to choose your next door neighbour.
I have been a good girl this time and have been taking my ibuprofen and have added claritin into the mix as well as this seems to help people with the muscle/joint pain...but I will let you know on that one as I don't seem to have this until I have the neulasta..which I just had injected so tomorrow will tell the tale of how well this cockatil worked this time.
I have also been concentrating on drinking lots of cold liquid in hopes of minimizing the swelling and loss of taste this time round, but again...only time will tell on this one. So while I wait I am eating yummy stuff in case I have 4 days of watermelon and smoothies. At least that is my rationale...screw the scale.
And believe it or not, I have little hairs beginning to grown on the top of my head..not on the sides only the top. They are not in multitudes but at least there is more than a week ago so maybe this hair growth thing will start earlier than anticipated. I can only hope on this one. It is still too early in their growth to see what colour/texture they are going to be, but so far they look brown which is much better than the possibility of grey...stay tuned on this one. I have also got a long brown curly wig to play to my alter ego..but right now I look like a drag queen with it on so styling is a must...appointment booked with D on Monday.
So I had chemo number 5 yesterday and besides the poke of three times to get the IV in all went smooth. If you don't count the two hours it took to get my drug from pharmacy to the chemo floor by a porter....so my one hour timeline increased to three. So next round, the nurse will just inject and leave me as I had two round of this doxetaxol with no issues so that is the good news. Now if I can only arrange not to be seated next to the women who used her cell phone..soo not allowed in this ward... and recorded a book while I was trying to read. It is hard when the rooms are in constant patient rotation to choose your next door neighbour.
I have been a good girl this time and have been taking my ibuprofen and have added claritin into the mix as well as this seems to help people with the muscle/joint pain...but I will let you know on that one as I don't seem to have this until I have the neulasta..which I just had injected so tomorrow will tell the tale of how well this cockatil worked this time.
I have also been concentrating on drinking lots of cold liquid in hopes of minimizing the swelling and loss of taste this time round, but again...only time will tell on this one. So while I wait I am eating yummy stuff in case I have 4 days of watermelon and smoothies. At least that is my rationale...screw the scale.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Beam me up
The next phase in this lovely process for me is radiation. I went to my consultation appointment with hopes of 3 weeks of radiation but in my mind, I knew that it was probably going to be 5 weeks. I was told to arrive at 10:15am but my appointment was at 10:45am and to expect to be in the appointment for an hour.
There were not may questions I had at this point as I have been thinking after surgery and chemo, radiation has to be the "easy part". After all, all I have to do is lay there, I can do that! So we showed up, grabbed a number, checked in and sat and waited...and waited...and waited. At about 10:45am we were called, again the first time meeting Nurse M and she makes me stand on a scale..seriously...these people are not going out for congeniality awards. She then escorts us to a room in some serious need of an update and asks about my current ailments. I am thinking how much time is this appointment?
I run through the latest issues I have has with this chemo, aching muscles <not joints>, loss of taste, diarrhea, peeling skin and swollen right hand, loss of most of my eyelashes and eyebrows....it's been a daily joy ride. Nurse M has a sense of humor <yeah> and we laugh the whole way through..really at this point it has become a daily laughter on what will happen tomorrow....
She says Dr R will be by in about 15 minutes...45 minutes later in walks Dr R. Who then asks if I have any immediate questions..nope...am I on any medication besides the chemo drugs..nope...ok exam time. Put the Johnny shirt on with ties to the back....everyone wants this thing on a different way.
He checks my neck, and I breathe in and out while he checks my lungs...then does and inspection of my scar as well as my left breast. He asks "are you having reconstruction?"...yes..."hmmm..that changes my approach" ...????
Apparently my wanting reconstruction means he will have to zap me with a lower dose over a longer period. I will have 25 rounds on my chest wall and 16 rounds on my lymphnodes above my chest wall. It will be sessions of 10mins over 5 weeks. This is a large commitment but it takes my risk of recurrence from 20% to 5% and I like those odds...95% of it never coming back sounds much better than 80%.
He seemed a little pensive and then said "You seem very relaxed". I am thinking...what is the appropriate response because I think "Hey man, I have found out I had cancer, had a breast taken off and am going through chemotherapy...I am thinking not much more can phase me"..but reply politely <how strange> with it is what it is....then he turns to B and asks him how he is doing..."fine, I see this stuff all the time in my profession".
On a side note, this doctor started several positive support groups and I think he was disappointed that we were not going to be his latest participants. Don't get me wrong, I think support groups are useful but there are times when I get tired of talking about myself <hard to believe> so the last thing I want to do is hear other stories...let me get through this and then maybe....
Dr R left after he said he would see me back in about a month for a run through and final consultation before the radiation began <4-5 weeks after my last chemo>.
Nurse M returned with a consent form for me to sign explaining that I was aware of the side effects..
-Scarring on the lung <permanent>
-Sun burn <temporary>
-Aching of ribs <temporary>
-Fatigue <temporary>
She handed me some reading material and we were off. I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did in the actual appointment but I think this is how my radiation is going to go as well.
There were not may questions I had at this point as I have been thinking after surgery and chemo, radiation has to be the "easy part". After all, all I have to do is lay there, I can do that! So we showed up, grabbed a number, checked in and sat and waited...and waited...and waited. At about 10:45am we were called, again the first time meeting Nurse M and she makes me stand on a scale..seriously...these people are not going out for congeniality awards. She then escorts us to a room in some serious need of an update and asks about my current ailments. I am thinking how much time is this appointment?
I run through the latest issues I have has with this chemo, aching muscles <not joints>, loss of taste, diarrhea, peeling skin and swollen right hand, loss of most of my eyelashes and eyebrows....it's been a daily joy ride. Nurse M has a sense of humor <yeah> and we laugh the whole way through..really at this point it has become a daily laughter on what will happen tomorrow....
She says Dr R will be by in about 15 minutes...45 minutes later in walks Dr R. Who then asks if I have any immediate questions..nope...am I on any medication besides the chemo drugs..nope...ok exam time. Put the Johnny shirt on with ties to the back....everyone wants this thing on a different way.
He checks my neck, and I breathe in and out while he checks my lungs...then does and inspection of my scar as well as my left breast. He asks "are you having reconstruction?"...yes..."hmmm..that changes my approach" ...????
Apparently my wanting reconstruction means he will have to zap me with a lower dose over a longer period. I will have 25 rounds on my chest wall and 16 rounds on my lymphnodes above my chest wall. It will be sessions of 10mins over 5 weeks. This is a large commitment but it takes my risk of recurrence from 20% to 5% and I like those odds...95% of it never coming back sounds much better than 80%.
He seemed a little pensive and then said "You seem very relaxed". I am thinking...what is the appropriate response because I think "Hey man, I have found out I had cancer, had a breast taken off and am going through chemotherapy...I am thinking not much more can phase me"..but reply politely <how strange> with it is what it is....then he turns to B and asks him how he is doing..."fine, I see this stuff all the time in my profession".
On a side note, this doctor started several positive support groups and I think he was disappointed that we were not going to be his latest participants. Don't get me wrong, I think support groups are useful but there are times when I get tired of talking about myself <hard to believe> so the last thing I want to do is hear other stories...let me get through this and then maybe....
Dr R left after he said he would see me back in about a month for a run through and final consultation before the radiation began <4-5 weeks after my last chemo>.
Nurse M returned with a consent form for me to sign explaining that I was aware of the side effects..
-Scarring on the lung <permanent>
-Sun burn <temporary>
-Aching of ribs <temporary>
-Fatigue <temporary>
She handed me some reading material and we were off. I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did in the actual appointment but I think this is how my radiation is going to go as well.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Thunder Rolls
My family has never shied away from any conversation, least of all the topic of poop. It never seems to fail that at every dinner someone brings up the topic of poop in some manner. Just once I wish this wasn't the case but I can't control it...which leads me to today's blog.
During this time I felt like my bowels were being controlled by someone else. I was beginning to think an army had taken over my internal workings and were directing the flow. There must have been a renegade General in there as he was pushing everything through..I could just imagine him yelling "Everybody out..move it move it"...'cause that is what was going on. Literally. I would eat and then that was it...to the bathroom I would run. As for the drug running through my system I am sure the General had the lower ranks scrubbing every part of me as half my face was numb. From below my right eye to the bottom of my chin had no feeling. I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen which I wish were from too many sit ups but sooooo not the case.
To add insult to injury I developed a red irritation on a 2" spot on my right hand and a couple of spots on my left which had small blisters on them. My right hand was swollen so I took a couple of ibuprofen to try to get the swelling down and watched as the skin dried out and began to peel...did I mention my face beginning to peel?
After a couple of days my taste buds started to return as I was getting pretty tired of grapes, smoothies, watermelon and tomatoes...but at least I could taste those. It felt like I had pieces of oatmeal in my mouth which I can only imagine were pieces of skin cells sloughing off...yeah me!
The bright side? If I must come up with something I guess I can look at the skin peeling as exfoliation and the fact that I could taste some things was better than not tasting anything. Plus I was able to get in for several massages and have already booked some for after the next chemo....but really....I would rather wallow in my own self pity, bitch about the "guess what happened today" and crawl under the covers and not come out until mid February when this chemo shit <see there I go talking about it> is over...come on February!
During this time I felt like my bowels were being controlled by someone else. I was beginning to think an army had taken over my internal workings and were directing the flow. There must have been a renegade General in there as he was pushing everything through..I could just imagine him yelling "Everybody out..move it move it"...'cause that is what was going on. Literally. I would eat and then that was it...to the bathroom I would run. As for the drug running through my system I am sure the General had the lower ranks scrubbing every part of me as half my face was numb. From below my right eye to the bottom of my chin had no feeling. I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen which I wish were from too many sit ups but sooooo not the case.
To add insult to injury I developed a red irritation on a 2" spot on my right hand and a couple of spots on my left which had small blisters on them. My right hand was swollen so I took a couple of ibuprofen to try to get the swelling down and watched as the skin dried out and began to peel...did I mention my face beginning to peel?
After a couple of days my taste buds started to return as I was getting pretty tired of grapes, smoothies, watermelon and tomatoes...but at least I could taste those. It felt like I had pieces of oatmeal in my mouth which I can only imagine were pieces of skin cells sloughing off...yeah me!
The bright side? If I must come up with something I guess I can look at the skin peeling as exfoliation and the fact that I could taste some things was better than not tasting anything. Plus I was able to get in for several massages and have already booked some for after the next chemo....but really....I would rather wallow in my own self pity, bitch about the "guess what happened today" and crawl under the covers and not come out until mid February when this chemo shit <see there I go talking about it> is over...come on February!
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