RIP Girls

Today I felt brave and scared all at the same time. For weeks I have had a bottle of hair dye in my cupboard that has been calling my name, but the last time I dyed my own hair it came out the colour of rhubarb and I had to have it stripped and redyed...taking years of split ends to recover. So you can see why I was a bit weak in the knees to attempt this "great" feat.

The thought came a couple of weeks ago when I looked at my hair growth and thought that if I dyed my hair I could then go out in public without my wig on. "Cindy" and "Molly" have been there for me every day and I hesitated greatly at the thought of leaving them behind. I have been going wigless around the house but have only ventured outside to take the dog to pee and only in the wee hours of the morning or late at night.

Some people have shown up at the house and seen me sans wig but these sightings have been rare and more or less I was in a "I don't care mood". So I decided that if I was going to brave this venture of saying goodbye to the wigs I was not doing it alone.

I called my hairdresser.

I soon realized that it has been 10 months since I last sat in her chair and I felt like a kid on the first day of school. I woke up and thought about doing some early morning errands before my hair appointment but only ventured far enough to drop my husband off at a local car rental company.

Upon coming home, I was not expecting the veracious barking from my dog. He went all crazy dog as I walked up to the front door. Teeth barring and barking like mad as I told him to sit as I entered the door. He then realized it was me and went crazy excited jumping on me. I guess he has only seen me inside without my wig and the strange lady on the outside wasn't mommy. Silly puppy!

I then got ready and hopped in the car. I rolled down both front windows and let the breeze flow though my hair working up the courage to venture the day ahead. I kept checking the mirror as it felt like my hair was blowing all over the place, which if you could see my hair would make you laugh as it is ..at most...three fingers long.

I found a primo parking space given the fact that my hairdresser is downtown and the gay pride parade was going to start before my appointment was over. 80,000 people makes parking challenging..just sayin'.

As part of my hair cut ritual, I always bring my hairdresser a little Starbucks treat. Today I decided a Very Berry Hibiscus drink <cold> was the right choice. As I ventured down one of the busiest summer streets in my city I felt oddly strong with my wig free self and very grey/black hair.

I stepped into her salon and was immediately greeted with a hug and tears of joy to see me...have I mentioned I love my hairdresser?! She laughed over the fact that someone had put me in for foils and for the next two hours we laughed, cried and talked like I had only been gone for two weeks. It is amazing how much..and not so much...changes in 10 months.

I completely trust her and have never told her how to do my hair. She senses a need for change and knows that she can do whatever. She did ask me whether I felt bold and wanted to make a statement. Ahh no...I just don't want to look like a person who has HAD cancer and is growing out their hair.

I must admit when she took off the towel to revel red hair I took a deep breathe in. Only 2 hours ago my dog freaked out at me...now what will he do? She trimmed <yup..actual hair fell> and brushed and when she was finished I actually looked like a real live girl. My hair is short, there is no denying that it is not growing quickly BUT my hair looks almost intentional..no longer cancer patient-ish. I am so glad I came to her instead of doing it on my own.

I was excited to show off my new look so I texted <how 2012> some friends and before I knew it there was a group of us going to dinner and hanging out after at my "off with the wig" impromptu party. Sadly the last person to see my new do was my own husband who smiled and told me I looked great. Now to show the the world.

Squeeezzzeee

It is hard to believe it is time for a mammogram already. Last year was my first one and by now I feel like a pro, but I was wondering how/if they would do a mammogram on my right side...cause let's face it there is nothing there to squeeze. I thought about this a little too much the night before and spent half the night tossing and turning and the other half working myself up into a frenzy about "what ifs".

No more what ifs ...the day came.

I checked in and changed into the infamous johnny shirt and barely sat my butt in the waiting room before I was called....wow they are on time today <I on the other hand was 5 mins late>. I got into the room with Technician L and she asked me a couple of questions.

TL: So the last time you were here....pause
Me: I had a lump
TL: which they biopsied and then you had a right mastectomy?
Me: That pretty much sums it up <minus the whole, cancer chemo thing>
TL: Ok then let's get started

She started with the left side. I held onto the "holy F%Ck" bar, took a deep breath in and squeeze went the machine. She took her picture, rotated my breast and squeeze again and took a picture. This took all of about 5 mins.

Then came the right side.

Me: So how do you plan on doing this side
TL:hmmm they really cleaned you
Me: ahh yeah
TL: people always want to know how we do this

And here is me thinking...dah! <I know I am using the big words today>

So picture this
1. Take your armpit and jam it into the corner of the plate until it feels like it is touching the inside of your rib cage
2. Put your arm on the "holy F%Ck" bar
3. Lean your head and chin wayyyy back
4. Take note of how sexy you look
5. Let the machine squeeze down onto any flesh available
6 Hold your breathe
7. Take a picture

That's pretty much it...did it hurt? Not really just more uncomfortable
Did she get a picture? Yup it was about the size of half of my little finger thick

I went out into the waiting room and about 5 mins later I was cleared for take off. Well I must admit..this year was soooo much better than last year. I should get a gold star!

The Break Up

Time flies when you are having fun, or just not at the hospital constantly...I guess those are both the same thing. My much anticipated appointment with my radiation oncologist came and went..yup..you heard me.

I had waited for quite awhile for this appointment. Only to have it moved another 2 weeks. The day finally came to see what my future appointments held. I sat looking at the waiting room I looked at all of the people around me who were in various stages of their treatment and one who was filling out the initial paperwork. I thought..this chapter is closing and I am a better person for it. I do appreciate things more, I attempt to have more patience and try to enjoy each day as it comes.

Oh wait the nurse just called my name..off we go.

Nurse M: How are you feeling
Me: Still have the hot flashes..about 4-5 a day
Nurse: Anything else?
Me: Nope
Nurse: How are your bowels
<why does everyone want to discuss my poop..ok let's just get it out there...I fart and they are not always "gentle whispers"..I poop and yes sometimes it smells more than others..I can tell when I have had corn..THERE...it's all out there in cyber land now!>
Me: Normal <evil glare at husband just in case he decides to speak up..aka makes a smart ass remark>
Nurse: Any questions before I get Dr. R?
Me: Reconstruction?
Nurse: I will look and make sure the paperwork has been sent in. Change and Dr. R will be in shortly

And with that she disappeared...enter Dr. R

He does a quick exam feeling under each armpit. He mentioned I have scar tissue under my left arm pit...ahh Dr. R are you drinking? My surgery was on the right? No scar tissue just tight tendons. Still do my arm exercises each day to keep up the mobility.

He checks my lungs by me breathing in and out. Asks how my energy level was and tells me a couple things
1. I should be having 1000 mg of vitamin D daily <ok apparently me outside is not enough>
2. Walking is good so long as I am slightly winded by the end of the walk..ok I guess I need to pick up the pace
3. Eat a diet rich in fruits and vegetables...easy peasey
and that's it.

What do you mean that is it?
No blood work, no cat scans?
What if it comes back?
Basically he said he didn't want to see me until his retirement party.

Dr R just broke up with me and I am not sure how I feel about it.

I am elated that I am no longer considered a cancer patient but I have spent the past year of my life with these people and now they are onto someone who needs their attention more than a "healthy" person.BUT..on the flip side...I now feel a bit lost, sad and confused. Every book, person you talk to and movie always has a follow up after chemo and radiation. I know I was a superstar but......sniff

bye bye cancer centre you were great to me..but I have to go now...and celebrate!

Sticky Situation

So I have had the prosthetic for awhile now and have not yet used the "glue" that came with it. It has been hot here the last couple of days and friends of our decided to take their backyard science experiment <aka the pool> and get it ready for the season. I was only too happy to oblige in taking the first plunge.

After my flotation device experiment in Greece <yes I am still rubbing that trip in> I decided I would try the medical adhesive that comes with the prosthetic. My skin is well healed so I figured why not. I prepped the area with what looks and smells like an alcohol wipe. Then applied the adhesive around the edge. Now you are suppose to wait 3-5 minutes for the glue to set up. It is kind of like contact cement in this respect.
After about 4 minutes <thought I would wait half way> I touched the glue and realized that this is a one shot deal to get it right, as once it was stuck on it was not going to come off easily. So I paid close attention and stuck it on ..squeezing it in. So if the glue didn't work the suction power would. From a naked stand point the stuck on boob looks awkward. As "isn't" stays up and "is" hangs further down...I guess this may be my future as well and "is" may need a lift kit!
I finished putting my bathing suit on and thought..Damn..that works. It felt weird to have something glued to me as it almost felt like someone moving a band aid around on my skin. I hopped in the pool and spent the next hour flinging kids up, being jumped on and doing a "crab" walk through the pool. If the glue held out for this inaugural flight then it had endured one of the toughest tests.  KIDS!
When undressing, half of the boob was still stuck and half was peeling off, but over all I was impressed. I still had to wring it out but the glue was still sticky and I could just stick it back on. It did need the removal pad to take off all of the glue as even though the chlorine and kids did a number on it, it was still like peeling a very sticky band aid off of my skin and the removal pad was the easier way to go. They say that you can leave it on for 5 days but I think I will leave the glue for gardening a swimming adventures as the average day doesn't need it.
So if you are looking for a test subject, might I recommend three nine year old girls and one 2.5 year old boy. One of these kids is also the same one who had this conversation with me one night:
I walked though the front door
She looked at me
M: So do you have any hair yet
Me: Not enough yet
M: ok
and walked away to play with her friends...kids...honesty or nothing!