Turning 40. July 4, 2011

So the morning of my birthday, I call Dr. B only to find out he is still stuck out of the country and wont be back for another week. I explain the fact that I believe the lump has grown and is now painful. It is amazing how these words send everyone into a quicker reaction.

The next thing I knew I had the breast screening booking number and had been referred 2times BUT had an appointment for that week.

I had never had a mammogram but heard the years of stories from my mother telling me it is like having your boobs squashed to the point of screaming..then hold your breath. Seriously!

So in I go. July 7, 2011.

I am told to be there 1/2 hr before my appointment to register and it is a good thing because the waiting room is full. I get to the counter and I have a new person who cannot seem to find the ultrasound part of my appointment. She asks for help and another woman comes over and says "After her mammogram if she needs an ultrasound they will take her in so book her for both". What! So you don't need to have both appointments booked. Gotta love our medical system, where no one talks to each other.

I am then told to go down to the end of the hall where I put on a gown and robe. I get back to the main waiting room and look around to see a variety of woman sitting there. Some young and some old and I wonder "how many others are in my situation". What I also notice is how many women have put their gowns on backwards and all I can think is "thank god for the robes". I did not want to see national geographic show up..or should I say down.

Eventually my name is called and off I go down the hallway to a darkened room. Inside what looks like a Venus fly trap with a lite stock is waiting for me. The "stock" is actually lite up and the machine itself does not look like this is going to be pleasant.

The technician I had was great and was aware of my lump, filled out some forms and then we began. She forewarned me there would be 6 pictures in total. Normally there are 4 but because of my lump there would be an additional 2. Lucky me!

She then lead me to the machine, I dropped my robe and gown and put my hand on what I can only call the 'holy fuck bar'. Then she plops my breast on the machine gradually closes the paddle over it and goes behind her screen while tears well up in my eyes. I grip the bar for all I am worth ..hold my breath and think OMG...5 more times. Wrong! My breasts are dense and she couldn't get a clear picture, but will put it on manual and see what happens. What is going to happen is that I am going to pass out!

Luckily the manual setting worked and the good news is that I you don't have a lump in your breast it is clearly uncomfortable but not excruciating. If you do have a lump...bring kleenex.

You then go back to the waiting area where a whole new set of faces are staring at you and you think of a cattle call. How many are herding through here in a day. The report comes in and..Yes it appears I have lumps...wait...lump-S?

So off I go to the ultrasound where this time it goes much better as a new technician waves her magic wand around digging in only occasionally. Plus I think my breasts are still numb from round#1. She takes several pictures and then goes to check with the radiologist to make sure the pictures are to their satisfaction.

Next thing I know the radiologist and the ultrasound technician are now in the 8'x8' room with me on a table and the machine. He takes his turn at waving the wand around....no fairy dust is coming out....but he is having issues getting pictures. The next thing I know..knock, knock, knock, Dr ?. So now I have a Dr, Radiologist, technician, me, the table and the equipment in the room. This is not a clown car people! The Dr again...waves the magic wand which by this point I am ready to beat them with....stops ..and tells me "As you have probably heard, you have two solid masses and will need to have a core biopsy to determine if they are cancerous" and walks out the door with the radiologist......ok.....

Next the technician hands me a pamphlet -these people need to stop using clip art- and explains the core biopsy procedure. I am already cringing.

I call B after the procedure and he says "How was it". My only thought was picture this...take your penis, stretch it in all directions as far as it will go and them SLAM A BRICK ON IT!

Where did it come from. June 2011

Again I was doing my regular shower boob wash. Now don't get the wrong idea that I spend a lot of time in this area. It is literally a quick swipe with the soap. The soap went across my right breast and I thought "Was that a bump?".

I did a quick breast exam and thought "That definitely feels like a lump"...now what?

I checked it daily and after about two weeks, I mentioned it to B and had him feel the lump. Yup it was definitely a lump.

It is funny that until someone else feels the lump it was not real. Yes I found it, t felt like a lump to me but I am not one to rush off to the doctor every time I find something. I like to make sure it is going to be something before I go.

I called my doctor the next day to make an appointment, only to find out that my regular doctor had left the building...and province. WHAT! But "not to worry" Dr. B had taken over her practice and he was "lovely".

HE?...HE? Since I was a young woman I have always had a female doctor now I was about to meet a doctor for the first time and have to whip out my boob for him. I realize this was not a rational thought at this moment but I thought...I can do this after all my husband switched to a my doctor who is female...but wait he didn't have to show her his penis...breathe....make the appointment.

So off I went to meet my new doctor who doesn't speak the best of English..and sure enough I had to take off my top and show him "the girls". Most people meet and have a handshake. I handed my boob over. Hey how ya doin'.

He felt up and down, I sat up and laid down, he compared right to left and left to right and yes there was a lump. He would recommend a mammogram and ultrasound and I should hear in about two weeks about my appointment.

Ok thanks!

So two weeks went by and I thought...hmmm. So I called the office only to find out
1. Mammograms and ultrasounds take longer to book than two weeks. On average it is three-four months and they contact you a month before the appointment.
2. He wrote on my file a referral was needed but DIDN'T WRITE IT UP

WHAT!

SO now I needed to come in and see a different doctor to have them do up the referral..because did I mention my doctor went away until July 4th. So now I was going to have to go through the same procedure again.

SO off I went- touch, touch- Feel, feel-yup you have a lump. History in the family?nope. Ok then. She wrote up the referral ...watched her do it and she said it would take 3-4 months but she would back date the referral to the original appointment date.

Ok now we're getting somewhere.

Having a lump in your breast makes your mind go to all sorts of places from "it's just a lump" to "am I going to die?". My mother has a history of fibrocystic breasts so most of my brain believed this is what I had. Mom told me if I was that concerned I should call and see if I can just get a mammogram to put my mind at ease.

So I thought..I should call the doctor, but he is away until July. I called the next day to see if any appointment had been made and yes. October 5th was my date. In my mind that was a long way away. After talking it over with B and Mom I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I called the breast screening clinic and she typed in my health number and it came up that I had an appointment on October 5th. I told her I just wanted a mammogram and she recommended not breaking my other appointment as if I break the two it could be a long wait for the ultrasound...if you ever get this answer..ignore it as this is not true. I'll explain later. I also tried to go to the private MRI clinic as I was willing to pay for an ultrasound...but FYI they don't do ultrasounds on breasts.

Then I rolled over in bed one night a week later and OWW. What the hell was that. I looked on the sheets and there was nothing there..and thought--strange. I laid back down and again..OWW. So I felt my breast..I seem to be doing this a lot and getting nothing out of it. ...and the lump hurt when I pressed on it.

Since I was heading into the long weekend I decided t was only a couple of days away so I would wait until July 4th...which happened to be my birthday ....my 40th birthday.

Where it all started. May 2011.

I was the shower. I was doing the usual boob wash and as the soap slipped by my right breast and thought..hmmm that felt odd. I did a quick breast exam and felt something odd. It felt lumpy and dense and close to my chest. It was not a lump but more of a mass that felt "different". I compared both breasts and decided there was something that was out of whack but I was not concerned at all and decided to look it up on the internet.

After a little research I decided it was scar tissue. Well I do cough a lot and have had some bronchial problems when I was younger so it made sense. I dismissed what I felt and thought I would check it again after my next period.

Why?

I have decided to start writing this blog as part therapy and part information. Information not only for close friends and family but for anyone who is out there wondering. This is meant to be a detailed view of what I/we are going through, where I am in this disease and my highs and lows.

Right now I have only been diagnosed, but that part of the story will come a little later.

Be forewarned: I will be graphic, I will be sad, I will be honest and ....

I WILL SURVIVE!