The bear went over the mountain

When I was about four I decided to take my Paddington Bear and "climb" up the rungs of my dresser. That brilliant idea got me two black eyes and a dresser on top of me. You would think I could rack that up to lessons learned but I continued to try to climb the mountain, not physically- mentally.

I went to see my surgeon for my second year visit and we have an odd relationship. He is very blunt and matter of fact (just what you want in a surgeon) and I am a no holds barred kind of answer girl.

Dr.T: So I see no ring
Me: Yup
Dr.T: What happened there
Me: Life
Dr T: That happens a lot. So what are you going to do about it
Me: Nothing...yet. I am going to wait until after my surgery
Dr.T: You know you are more than a boob
Me: Yes but it helps to not have false advertising
Dr.T: Shakes his head

Even though I don't count my year two down until the end of March he counts year two from the date of diagnosis...ahhh what's a couple of months.

Lately I have been getting out more and doing lots of things. I have created my girlie dressing room, gone to a fancy martini party and have even ventured on a couple of first dates. I am not ready to venture into the romantic lane just yet but it is great to find out that men still find me attractive and greatly amusing. After having your self esteem pulled down to the bottom of the mountain it makes the climb more of an adventure and taking note of lessons learned. I am looking forward to getting to the top one step at a time. Sunshine mountain here I come!

Girl Time

Since I have decided to put the world of men on hold temporarily, I thought why not turn to women. Now don't start thinking things, I still like men. Having girlfriends is the best thing. The top 10 reasons why girlfriends are better right now

10. They don't care if I can cook, only that I know where the best cocktails are
9. They can make you laugh until your belly hurts by dumping a tire on their head
8. They will help and even promote you going into the woods during hunting season to chop down trees without an orange vest on as it would ruin your outfit
7. Impractical footwear is a given for any occasion
6. Boy watching is encouraged if not a mandatory event
5. Shopping is one of their favourite activities even if it is at Sobeys
4. Wine over whining is considered fun times
3. They feel your pain over a broken nail or a lost lip gloss
2. They also have bad hair days but have a drawer full of hair products to help
1. Girls, plain and simple, really do just want to have fun

Thank you to my closest besties

Donkey Riding

Eeek, have you looked around and seen what is out there...to date I mean. It has been a long time since I have been part of the game of the dating world and a lot has changed. Heaven forbid people meet in casual ways, now they want to date and review you on line. The pressure. If I don't have enough body issues currently, add rejection to your profile as another one.

Get back in the saddle again they say, sigh, the saddle seems too high. Maybe I will just sit back and polish the saddle while other go off riding.

Seriously, how do you even begin to THINK about the world of dating. Every time you turn around someone has a story about stalkers or just plain crazies coming out. I am too old to fix anyone and frankly if you have mommy or daddy issues...STAY AWAY. The thought hurts my head too much, I am going to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate until spring.

Decisions Decisions

Over the past month a lot of decisions have been made and my brain power has been maxed out. While my personal life has been in turmoil with my emotions stuck on the biggest roller coaster with way too many loops for me to hold my cookies, my work life has also been chaotic. Wondering whether or not I will be able to afford to keep working at my place of employment or will I have to find a job that pays more. On top of it all work was very busy and longer hours were needed.

I spent most nights coming home, walking my dog (who is always happy to see me) shoving in some food to stop the growlies and going to bed. I felt like I was in a constant state of zombie. Until I woke up one day and thought "alright you" decisions need to be made. I started making small decisions everyday to lead up to the bigger ones, like where was I going to live...kind of important. Stressing out over getting a mortgage on my own and attempting to move on with my life as a single took more courage than facing cancer. With cancer the decisions were really made for me. The decisions I now needed to make were not about life or death but about survival of my mental state.

The first big decision I made was about my body. What did I want it to look like? I stood one day in front of a full length mirror..NAKED! Which any woman knows is intimating on its own. I looked side to side. Tightened and loosened skin and thought what did I want to do about my boob job and what would be best for me. I decided a "lift kit" on the left side would bring the poor tired lonely one back to it rightful place. Right beside her new perky implant friend. Who would be constructed from my back muscle. I would say "so long" to my nubin' and just like that ...one major decision down.

Next I started bringing home boxes to pack up some things of my husbands and asked him to move out the piano that was a bone of contention for the past several years. After that, the decisions just kept rolling.

I woke up one morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. I started looking around at bare spots where possessions once were lovingly placed and thought..."they are just things". What really matters is that I am going to be alright.

Loosing your best friend

I said at the beginning of this blog that I would hold nothing back, well I lied. I have been going through something so painful I don't even know where to begin. I am loosing my best friend. My husband and I have separated.

While I will not spread the full details across the internet I will say that at our wedding his mother read a poem about always having enough in your life. I had more than enough in mine, but unfortunately B does not feel the same way and therefore has decided to move on.

I am grateful for the 13 wonderful years we had together, all of the laughter and love, the good times and even the bad. He was my comic relief and I his. I could not have gone through my cancer without his love and support, which is what makes this break so difficult. He is truly my best friend and it is too painful to hold that friendship close at this time in order to heal and move forward in my life.

We built a home and life together and it is hard to imagine that torn apart as it is hard not to see him everyday and tell him funny things that only he would get. Like a Massachusetts license plate. My mother actual put it the best way I can say it. "He loves you, just not enough for the next 30 years".

Please excuse my blog absence while my heart heals.

In a child's eyes

I am lucky to have the friends I do. Over the years I have "collected" a group who would do anything for me and I them and I love them all in different ways...but I must admit there are two "little people" who have stolen my heart.

I always thought I would have children or at least a child, but the laws of the universe decided otherwise for me. I have friends who have children and I have seen the good and bad sides of all of them. I am like an aunt who gets to go home at the end of the night when they are wound for sound and eyes all sleepy. So one could say I get the best of both worlds.

Connecting to girls was easy as I have been there and even though in times of ever changing technology, girls still like the same things. They like to be heard, preened over and generally loved with hugs and kisses. I have never been quite sure what to do with little boys though. I am not the rough and tumble sort and I have always been unsure of what to talk to them about.

So where am I going with this?

I have two friend R & J who have two children M & K. They are by no means perfect (sorry guys for that update!) but they are real and true to the core. R would get into trouble with me and never let our secret out -unless someone threatened her with bugs. J is a great house husband and someday we will get him books to learn how to expand that talent. Their daughter M is the best mix of girls gone wild and tomboy all rolled into one. She is part fish and part drama queen. K is the little avenger who has the biggest smile and tackle you hugs. He is a boy's boy through and through.

Every time I go to their house chaos has arrived before me(Yes, every time!). With a cat on death watch (for the past 10 years) and noise and toys from one end to the other, I never feel more at home when I am there. Whether it is playing in the pool, or howling at rock band (Death Pants is now on Mall tours), hanging out watching comedy shows or playing nerf darts to the death life is always fun. It might also have to do with the wine.

They may not be the perfect family but they are pretty perfect in my eyes. And lets face it, each time I arrive the kids run out the door or down the stairs to greet me, with their arms open wide for big hugs over the excitement that you have arrived. We always joke about the fact that if R & J ever died I would take the kids in a heartbeat....and I gladly would after all when you ask K what he is doing and he says "I want to give you a hug" with his 1000 watt smile...really...how could you ever say no?

Personal Boundaries

I have been waiting for my meeting with the Plastic Surgeon for what feels like FOREVER. So you would think I would be bright eyed and ready to go for my 8:10am appointment...well you would be wrong. I had trouble shaking the cobwebs from my brain and caffeine was not helping them. I rushed through the shower only to realize I was already running late. I am sure I committed about 20 traffic violations, plugged all of my change into the meter and ran like a mad women to his office. I literally sat down to catch my breathe at 8:20am and was immediately called in.

She was worried I was going to cancel and I was worried the police were on my tail from the Subaru I wanted to "cautiously bump". I was asked to fill out a form, which looked very familiar to others I had filled out, but hospital departments do not share. Next comes in intern A looking very young. He asks some basic questions like "When was your mastectomy". Half way through our conversation I realized I had skipped a year and it had been two years since my surgery...I guess time is moving along. He handed me a Johnny shirt (ties forward) and left to go consult with Dr. L. I got changed and got up on the examination table.

I looked at my toes and decided I needed a pedicure, probably should have shaved my legs, decided that if I grew 2 more inches my feet would actually touch the step stool...and where the hell were they.  Next thing I know in pops Dr L who introduces himself along with intern A and low and behold intern B! Dr L asks if I mind another intern and I am thinking that at this point the janitor could come in and I wouldn't care.

Dr L directs me towards the chair and Intern A and B sit on the examination table...I guess I should have done up the Johnny shirt as everyone is getting comfy. Dr L goes through 3 options which he believes would suit my case best.
Option A: Expander Implant (stick in a blow up balloon and fill it up over time)
Option B:Latissmus Dorsi Flap (Take a muscle from my back which apparently I rarely use and bring it forward and add an implant in to make the breast)
Option C: Tram Flap ( tummy tuck and boob in one)

I asked how many times he had made the spiel, with the interns snickering and Dr L smiling. "A lot" was his response...can't fool me. I figure if you are going to check me out I had better make sure you are my guy.

Each option has their pros and cons but Option B sounds best to me for my right side now what to do about the existing left side? I think it is odd that making the decision about what procedure to get with my right breast was easy but what to do with my existing breast is difficult.

Do I do a skin/nipple sparing surgery and have an implant put in. Do I get a mastectomy and make them even and get rid of any possible reoccurrence, or do I leave well enough alone. I have a bit of time to make this decision so I will weigh all of the options in my mind and come up with a plan.  So stay tuned on that one. Next came the sizing option, did I want bigger, smaller or current size. I decided my current size has done me well thus far so I guess I will continue.

Now came the examination part. If you ever had a fantasy about three men at the same time...then don't look now but it was not what you would imagine. I was lifted touched, maneuvered, described...had pictures taken of from all angles including showing my belly fat and nipple placement. Sexy oh yeah. What I did discover was that I have good nipple placement (you should have seen me when I had two..ahem) and not enough belly fat (stop, you will make me blush..but can you tell my pants that).

I was then given the opportunity to get dressed and ask if I had any questions or wanted to see pictures of other patients. I decided that for now I need to make up my mind based upon what is right for me as opposed to letting vanity take its course of worrying about scar lines.

Now I need to see my surgeon and have a left breast talk and then make my decision...yikes! I can't wait until I can show them off...watch out wet t-shirt contests!

What makes you happy

I recently read an article describing the 5 biggest regrets people have in their life. 5 Regrets I may not be at the end of my life yet, but I look back and I have very few regrets in my life and I feel that if I went back and changed them my life going forward would be different as well. I am lucky to have lots of love that surrounds me daily, I know who I am, and more importantly who I am not and I know what makes me happy in life. Here is jut a glimpse of things that make me happy:

1. My family. We may disagree but when the going gets tough I know they are there for me no matter what. The stories I could tell, but might be given the silent treatment for some of them. From my mother calling my father at work to blame him for events he could not control ie the cows on the highway to my middle brother and the stories he tells, he should have been a comedian or a politician. My extended family for the laughs we have had over poop..still wish they were about sex:)

2. Cartwheels and skipping. No matter how old I get, doing a cartwheel makes me feel like I am six years old again. This can also be felt with somersaults, skipping along or making bubbles in your milk.

3. Laying on my back and feeling the warmth of the sun. Lots of people complain about the heat but I am a sun worshipper all the way.

4. Laughter. I love the fits of laughing so hard that you try to stop only to start up again. Laughing until it hurts is the best.

5. Accomplishments. I may not have climbed Mount Everest, become the CEO of a company or found a cure for a disease, but I have been a good friend, wife, daughter, sister and fur baby momma for which I am proud. Being true to yourself is, in my opinion, your biggest accomplishment.

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,

it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann was an attorney turned philosopher-poet who live in Terre Haute, Ind. He spent his life wrestling with the realities of making a living and following his personal calling to a life of poetry, literature, and thought. He wrote A Prayer, which became a message of hope for thousands, but he is best known for Desiderata, which he wrote for himself, "because it counsels those virtues I felt myself most in need of." Max included this work as part of a personal Christmas greeting in 1933, and Desiderata's power and appeal have continued to reach out to and significantly affect readers ever since. He died in 1945.

In the swing of things

So a couple of my ladies and I have decided that retirement is <hopefully> not that far off and it is time to look towards the future. And what do most people do in retirement? Drink, eat, drive a golf cart/3 wheel bike around parks and golf.

So I guess it is time to take up golf since we know how to do the other pieces. We decided to go to the driving range a couple of times to see if we could actually hit the ball before making complete and utter asses of ourselves. Guess we should have thought about that before standing next to people who could hit the ball. I felt the breeze as my club went over the ball and spent a lot of time swatting away black flies. All in all I actually hit the ball quite a few times, even though some of them only rolled down the hill.

We decided golf lessons were needed. We hooked ourselves up with Don the golf guy. Don has a simple method to teaching golf and basically if you set yourself up right you will hit the ball. In the beginning we thought "easier said than done". After our first lesson we were thinking we had done well. After our second lesson DOGG was ecstatic (his actual word) about our progress.

While we are far from joining the PGA tour we might actually make it to a Par 3 course by Fall.

Some things to remember that we have learnt:
1. You may not need to wear golf shoes at the driving range but cute flip flops don't work either and cause the men folk to roll their eyes
2. You bend over to put the golf on the tee a lot so make sure your sports bra doesn't lift up over "the girls" and that your prosthetic is securely in place.
3. Hitting the ball into someone else's box is not an acceptable practice
4. If you don't practice in between lessons...it shows...!
5. There are a lot of "serious golfers" out there who shun the talk of my friends dating life openly...ahh they just wish she was interested in them
6. Using left handed clubs when you are right handed make things difficult but not impossible
7. Squealing from excitement when you hit the ball right causes you to be the centre of attention
8. WEAR BUG SCREEN...you cannot swat bugs with your irons, well you can you just wont kill anything
9. When it is hot out, a hat is good to avoid heat stroke
10. Always golf with close girl friends as they will laugh with you and at you all at the same time

Mixed Emotions

My father has gotten kidney stones almost every year for the past several years, but this is only the second time he has made it to the "blasting zone". Last week he came down at the crack of dawn and was almost home before I went to work. He was to come back a week later at a much more reasonable hour of the day for additional blasting. Yes he looked like he was starting his own beach with the amount of stones coming out of him.

I called down and they said he was in pre-op. So I ventured down to the hospital to go hang out with my momma in the waiting room for awhile. I have not driven to this hospital since my final sign off and had mixed feelings about walking through the doors. Poppa was on the tenth floor and chemo had been on the 11th. It felt odd as the elevator went up the floors.

I am excited to close this chapter in my life and move on and I think this elevator ride was a way to start the closure. Even though my dad had been in and out and the hospitals records had not been updated to show this by the time I got there, I am glad I went to the hospital. Sign off is one thing but closure is a whole other part of healing.

Ups and Downs

Life likes to throw you curve balls. It has been a while since I have taken the time to sit down and compile my thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been jumbled between home, work and looking out at the rainy weather isn't helping me either. Just when you think "what else can I handle", a ray of sunshine breaks through! 

I finally have my consultation appointment with my plastic surgeon. It is the best birthday present I could ask for and maybe I will be getting a boob job for Christmas! Ho Ho Hoooo!

In all of this craziness that is my life a moment of laughter came through:

The other day I decided I was going to mow the front lawn. It has been non stop raining lately and I saw a break in the rain and decided I had better get out there and mow it before it became a hay field. So I threw on a pair of shorts and a snug-ish t-shirt and off I went.

We have a "reel mower= manual" so stopping occasionally to talk to our neighbor and wave at one of our other neighbours gives me a moment to catch my breath. Finished the mowing and was a hot sweaty mess, so I went inside to take a shower and realized that my prosthetic was laying on the bed. I quickly look down and realized that I was currently the "one boob wonder". I guess if the neighbours had ever wondered about whether or not I had had surgery the rumor mill can stop. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself what would we all laugh at. sigh.

Changing focus

I think too much of life is focused on the negative, instead of looking around for the positives. I am no exception to this rule. It is easier to see the bad than the good, but it how you refocus your priorities that matter <personal opinion alert!>.

In my earlier life, I was very selfish as most twenty-somethings are. As I matured, I began to think of people around me and what would make them happy. Sometimes concentrating too hard on this and loosing myself in the midst. My forties were a wake up call. I started them with a diagnosis of cancer and then had to shift my priorities. I had to take time for me first and everything else second and further down the line.

I took each day as it came at me and found that I had a lot more peace within myself when I didn't focus on the negative around me but tried to find the positive. Sometimes it is easy to falter and go back into the woe is me attitude, but I have decided to take some advice from myself and make one positive step forward. Each day I will remind myself that no matter what life throws at me I can be thankful for something which brings me joy, happiness and/or peace. It doesn't have to be a monumental thing, it is about looking for something rather than letting it find you.

Today my joy is: watching my sleeping pup with his head on a pillow and not a care in the world. Looking at him gives me a feeling of joy and endless love.

There is always a reason

A long time ago I read the book the Celestine Prophecy which is basically about one mans journey to enlightenment. What has stuck with me from the book is that each person we meet has a message for us whether we take the time to find it out is a different story. Have you ever been thinking of someone that you haven't seen in years and then all of a sudden see them several times? Basically that is the jest. Nothing is a coincidence but it is what you make of the moment that determines your path.

What am I getting at?

There are good days and bad days. Lately I have been kind of in the dumps and today I had a conversation with a lady who has had breast cancer. She is one of my clients who makes me laugh with her exuberant nature. She is part of a paddling group and keeps encouraging me to come out after reconstruction. Normally we just have a friendly chat when she comes in but today she stayed longer and we spoke more about her "story". People have told me how strong willed I am and how they admire my attitude during my treatment. Well until you have met M you don't know bravery at all.

She went through her treatment almost 20 years ago. Had to have 3 surgeries to get rid of the cancer. Had cobalt treatment as she refused chemo..which makes chemo seem like a walk in the park. Since her surgeries she has had several more for other reasons, severe allergic reactions and recently a broken arm where she was in a cast from her shoulder to her wrist. During her remarkable story she was more worried with others around her while she did not seem to take pity on herself. She is single and is going through all of this with the help of a couple of close friends and a very positive attitude.

I believe M came and told me her story today to lift my spirits and realize that I am thankful for all of the love and support I have. Everyone has good and bad days and now when I get down I am going to think of M and realize that every cloud has a silver lining and mine is named Marilyn.

C is for cookie

I have been a good girl as of late. Watching what I eat and ensuring I am getting healthy doses of all of the cancer fighting foods to make sure that bitch don't come back. I have been walking more, and I have even gotten a yoga class going at work. Who would have thought?

I take a truckload of vitamins to the point where I feel like I am keeping the economy going. ....but every once in a while an urge creeps in...and bursts through my taste buds and dammit..I WANT A COOKIE!

I have never been one to deprive myself of something (my ass proves that point). So I am of the belief that if I want a cookie, I will have a cookie. One slight problem....we have no cookies in the house. My options are a) make a cookie b) go out and buy a cookie or c) no cookie for me.  Let's face it, option "c" was never on the table but it looked sad to only have two options. We are still trying to experience spring here and the thought of going out to get a cookie seemed ridiculous...so option "a" it was.

Since I am making the cookie I thought I would look for a "healthier" version to make as opposed to the normal yummy butter laden, sugar coated option. While I am always a fan of picture cookbooks - I like to know what the end result should look like- I decided to grab for my Looney Spoons book and came across two cookies which sounded pretty good but opted for the chocolate chip one because...ahh hello!- chocolate!

I mixed up the ingredients and had a sample of the batter(some one had to be the taster) and thought..these are pretty good. Rolled them into little balls and squashed them with a fork <I am not sure if this part makes me a bit sadistic but I do like squashing the cookies..reminds me of making mud pies as a child> and put them in the oven. After 10 mins I pulled them out and they didn't look a whole lot different than when I put them in.

I waited until they cooled down. I have burnt the roof of my mouth one too many times to eat them hot, and took one bite, which lead to another and I thought...for a little cookie they are satisfyingly delicious. So here is the recipe.

Cookies For Rookies-The Looney Spoons Collection

1 1/4 cups flour
1 cup oats
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/3 cup unsalted butter at room temperature
1/3 cup peanut butter
1 egg
1/3 cup mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Using a mixer, beat together brown sugar, butter, peanut butter and egg on low speed till well blended.  Add dry and chocolate chips and mix well.

Using a cookie scoop, scoop out dough 2 inches apart onto greased or lined cookie sheets.  Flatten with a fork to 1/4 inch thickness.  Bake about 7 minutes.  Watch to make sure cookies don't dry out and over bake.

I am already looking forward to the ginger cookie aka Option 2.

Happy Anniversay...to me

It is truly amazing what a difference a year makes. This time last year I was just as happy as I am today. The difference is I was heading into my last radiation treatment with my skin falling apart and today I am back together but still have a slight tan in the radiation region. Over the past year I have concentrated on a healthy mind and spirit and this coming year is going to be continuing but adding in the healthy body part.

I have had great support from my family and friends and strangely from people I have never known before. I am not an emotional person but I do have tears in my eyes as I think of all that I have been given in the past year and how truly lucky I am. Yes I have HAD cancer but I have one year down and many more to go.

I feel stronger than ever and have climbed to the top of the mountain. I have stood and paused for a moment to look out over the land and now I cannot wait for the next adventure to begin as I run towards the finish line.

High Maintenance Alert

I have never been one of "those girls" who spend hours primping and preening in front of the mirror. Now don't get me wrong, I am far from being no maintenance, but I would like to have thought of myself as low maintenance. Considering I used to get ready faster than my husband proves my point.

That has all gone to pot though. I used to have the basics in makeup. Now I am thinking of a way to organize my many pots of items that up until a year ago I never knew existed. Really..who uses cheek highlighter?  I am as fake as the come.

What used to take 5 minutes and under now takes close to 15 minutes..and this is just the makeup portion of the morning. By the time I draw on my eyebrows, make my skin look lifelike and my eyelashes look fuller<at least that is what the package says> and add a bit of lip gloss; I find myself pressed for time...and I still have to do my hair...and get dressed. Yes getting dressed has become a low priority, I am always happy when my socks match and I do not look like a wrinkled laundry heap.

I hate to admit it..but maybe I should have kept up the wig. There was a bit of freedom in taking two seconds to plop it on my head and off I would go. Now I am busy trying to fill in the bald spots on my head. My mother told me the other day that cancer ages you..boy she nailed that one...at the rate I am going, by the time I am 80 it is going to take the whole day just to get ready. Given the fact that I like to go to bed early, by the time I get dressed I may as well just put on my nightgown.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not willing to throw away the hair dye or razors and go completely mad..but maybe someday I will wake up and forget about my hair looking like I stuck my finger in a light socket...leave my prosthetic to rest for the day and go for a walk-- OK that actually made me laugh out loud. I am thankful my husband loves me through my vanity but am happy that he loves me because of it too. For you my dear I will draw my eyebrows in daily!

Vanity is hair

I know I have written a lot about hair, but when you go from having lots to none you become slightly obsessed. All my life I have fought with my hair (too thick, too curly) and to this day there has been no exception. I am here to testify <can I get a witness> that no matter what type of hair you have there is a solution out there, you just have to find it.

My hair is slowly growing back in but my eyebrows have stopped their growth. I actually had to get them waxed the other week. Not because they were unruly, quite the opposite. I actually was getting confused as to where I should pencil them in. I had hairs growing in places where I didn't want them. Isn't that always the way? They can't fill in at the ends..no they have to choose a space between my upper eyelid and brow. So a waxing I went. I actually have a brow shape now to help with the drawing...thank you Anastasia makeup!

Now to get personal. My body hair has kind of come back...with the exception of a "personal region". I figure lots of woman pay for what I now have naturally so I am ok with this. Let nature reign.~that might have been too much information, phfft!

The top of my hair has been looking sparse and the back of my head is looking like male pattern baldness. So I started venturing to other blogs and read up on what has and hasn't worked- or more like what I am and am not willing to try. What did I decide upon?

Biotin. It is a vitamin (H to be exact) which does a bunch of things like help follicle growth. The good news...can help your metabolism increase and promote hair growth...bad news...side affect is facial hair...but I will take my chances

Next I have perfected the comb over and hairspray combo. Mind you I think my husband is going to take out shares in hairspray and invest in a gas mask at the same time. Is it really my fault that he walks in just as I am in the hairspray fog?

And lastly, I have found a product on amazon called Toppik. I think it is basically flakes of hair dye that you sprinkle into the parts of your hair to give it a fuller appearance. I have only been using it a couple of days, so I have yet to master the back bald spot but so far I am impressed with the results. It says that it will not run but I still held my breath when a drop of melting snow hit my head and ran down. All I could think of was will my hair run down my face..the answer <thankfully> was no, but I am not sure I am ready to test it in a downpour --yet!

So for all of you out there trying to find ways to help your locks look more lush, straight or curly...join the millions of other women and get your fingers clicking through the web to find a product for you...may the hair gods be forever in your favour!

Sizing Up

All my life I wished for bigger boobs. When I was younger and a very late bloomer in the breast department, I was teased and called "Rosebud" for my lack of development. I would look at my mom and wonder why her double D's didn't happen for me. While other girls were getting training bras and some even getting real bras I sat longingly wondered when I would have a chance to have my bra strap slapped.

Well let me be the first to say bras are not all they are cracked up to wish for, let alone something to fill them. While I do not have (had) large breasts, I do OK. Actually after having a mastectomy was the first time I thought smaller breasts would be better for two reasons
1. V necks are no longer an option with the prosthetic
2. Less taken off

As I have gotten older (and wider) my breasts have continued to grow. Most women's breasts decrease in size when they have weight loss..but oh no..oddity alert...mine have stayed the same. Which is good and bad. Over the past year I have gone through some changes (ya think?) and you would think those changes are mainly over, but no! The breast Gods have decided to play a cruel joke on me and grant me my wish of increasing my breast size. This would be great...IF I HAD TWO!!!

Unfortunately only having one real and one plastic makes things difficult when the real one decides to grow...since the plastic one stays the same. This makes for a bit of a challenge getting dressed in the morning. Right now I have one which is normal looking and one that looks like it is deflating. It is hard to believe that one nonexistent boob can cause so much of an issue. Who knew that at the young age (hey the cancer dr.s called me young) of 41 that I would be stuffing my bra with what ever I can find to even things out. I thought about getting an inflatable boob but what if it breaks? Is looking like you are lactating worse or better than a boob fart?

I always try to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. After my latest phone call to the plastic surgeon to see where I am on "the list", I discovered that THIS June or July maybe my time..whoot whoot...new boob(ies) here we come....maybe I should consider two brand new ones because my guess is that after the reconstruction they don't upgrade you for free.