So...yesterday should have been the final hurrah but due to a broken down machine, I have been extended by one day. I realize it is only one day -which I did try to get out of- but mentally that one extra day was draining. I had set my sights on being done on a particular day and when that day came and went it was hard to swallow. But today is the day and if the machine breaks down today it better be really broken, else I may have a baseball bat in hand to make sure it doesn`t come back up. I am done and mentally checked out from this whole cancer thing.
My skin is also crying ``uncle`` as it is peeling, weeping and not so pretty looking. I have flamazine to put on it has gone past the top layers of skin. You know it looks bad when the doctor shrinks back going ohhh.
My husband and I have decided that after I am finished this last treatment that we will end this ordeal the same way we started. Having dinner at a really nice restaurant. Only this time I will have a drink and no tears. Only big happy smiles and maybe a jig. Cheers!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Hell hath no fury
I may not be a woman scorned but I am definitely now a woman who is scorched!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Time Flies
I cannot believe I only have 4 more treatments of radiation left; unfortunately, my skin may say otherwise. I think going everyday <and trying to find the best parking spot> has made the time fly by. I am thankful that I am a short drive to the hospital as I am sure anyone living further out may not feel the same way.
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Hair Envy
In life I have not wanted for much. Nor have I been the kind of person to covet what others have...until now. I find myself sitting in the hospital waiting room and staring at other people's hair. Yup you guessed it <I am sure the title helped> I have "hair envy".
Each day I look closely at my eyelashes and eyebrows for any sight of growth. My head still has the fuzzies but no sign of "real" hair. Unfortunately, each day I have been disappointed. I haven't spent much time googling things throughout my journey but the other day I did google how long before my hair grows. The common consensus is that it starts growing 6 weeks after your last chemo and within two months you will have 1 inch of growth. Which means that I should have almost an inch of hair growth...and obviously I am going to be the exception to the rule.
I am sure my hair follicles are still dizzy with the chemo drugs that coursed through my veins as I still have "war wounds" visible from the chemo injections. So in the meantime, I decided it was time to switch things up and get a new wig. I have decided to call her Cindy. It may not be real hair but it is kind of fun to be able to switch up the styles so easily without having to wait during the growing out stage. Now if I could only find a way to encourage my real hair to grow...maybe it needs fertilizer...you would think that with all of the shit I have been through, it would be growing out of control.
Each day I look closely at my eyelashes and eyebrows for any sight of growth. My head still has the fuzzies but no sign of "real" hair. Unfortunately, each day I have been disappointed. I haven't spent much time googling things throughout my journey but the other day I did google how long before my hair grows. The common consensus is that it starts growing 6 weeks after your last chemo and within two months you will have 1 inch of growth. Which means that I should have almost an inch of hair growth...and obviously I am going to be the exception to the rule.
I am sure my hair follicles are still dizzy with the chemo drugs that coursed through my veins as I still have "war wounds" visible from the chemo injections. So in the meantime, I decided it was time to switch things up and get a new wig. I have decided to call her Cindy. It may not be real hair but it is kind of fun to be able to switch up the styles so easily without having to wait during the growing out stage. Now if I could only find a way to encourage my real hair to grow...maybe it needs fertilizer...you would think that with all of the shit I have been through, it would be growing out of control.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Itchy and Scratchy
I am 12 treatments in of radiation (half way) and have developed small water blisters on my upper part of my chest. I would love to scratch them to pieces but know this will only complicate things. I feel like a kid who has chicken pox and should tape oven mitts on my hands to prevent the scratching.
The urge sometimes to scratch is high. So instead I look like Napoleon and lay my hand over the area in hopes it will calm down. This is not an act to perform in public though..just sayin'.
I have been using Lubriderm for sensitive skin but I think it is time to move onto something with some medication in it as I still have 13 more treatments to go through. At the rate I am going, I will have weeping skin by the end of this..again did I mention how attractive this process is. Just when you think, this isn't so bad..whammo!
I see the doctor tomorrow..supposedly.. as up until now I haven't had any reason to actually see him so he has not come out to play. They forewarned me that it would be around my third week before anything would happen and boy are they right. One day my skin was slightly tanned with a ting of red and the next it had little bumps on it. Then those bumps became itchy ..I am blaming it on the rubber pad days which brings the radiation to the surface and causes my skin to get more red on those days.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am half way through this cycle and I would rather do this than the last three cycles of chemo any day. So wish me luck as I go through the next two weeks looking like I have scabies with my hand in my shirt and hoping my husband doesn't buy a shirt which reads "I'm NOT with Scratchy".
The urge sometimes to scratch is high. So instead I look like Napoleon and lay my hand over the area in hopes it will calm down. This is not an act to perform in public though..just sayin'.
I have been using Lubriderm for sensitive skin but I think it is time to move onto something with some medication in it as I still have 13 more treatments to go through. At the rate I am going, I will have weeping skin by the end of this..again did I mention how attractive this process is. Just when you think, this isn't so bad..whammo!
I see the doctor tomorrow..supposedly.. as up until now I haven't had any reason to actually see him so he has not come out to play. They forewarned me that it would be around my third week before anything would happen and boy are they right. One day my skin was slightly tanned with a ting of red and the next it had little bumps on it. Then those bumps became itchy ..I am blaming it on the rubber pad days which brings the radiation to the surface and causes my skin to get more red on those days.
I have to keep reminding myself that I am half way through this cycle and I would rather do this than the last three cycles of chemo any day. So wish me luck as I go through the next two weeks looking like I have scabies with my hand in my shirt and hoping my husband doesn't buy a shirt which reads "I'm NOT with Scratchy".
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Study me
I have a friend who ironically is writing a thesis on why women do/do not return to work after dealing with breast cancer. I am proud to say I was her first interview and happy to help her out. I was unsure of what questions she would ask and where her focus would be. After 30 minutes and a couple of tears later we were done.
It still surprises me how after all I have been through, that talking about my diagnosis and remembering when I told people that I had breast cancer is what brings out emotion in me. Having the surgery, chemo and now radiation doesn't really phase me as I have seen many others do the same, but how you receive your diagnosis and tell people is very personal. Everyone in this case is different. Some people are open from the beginning, others take a while and I am sure others never tell. How you decide to do it is one of the few things YOU actually get to decide in this crazy process.
I was fortunate that my work was understanding and compassionate about my situation. I know of others who were not so fortunate and I can understand why woman change jobs or just do not go back to work at all.
Having breast cancer is humbling.
Yes there are many things out there which can help you through, prosthesis, wigs, makeup..etc but in general people know your situation. The average person passing you on the street wouldn't know the difference about me but everyone at my work knows differently. I am lucky that I am able to laugh about my boob that tends to move around, that Molly <my wig> always looks the same <except when I get too close to the stove> and that I have faced my cancer head on and there is no going back. I am also lucky to not only have a large support group, but within that group contains my coworkers and employer.
I wish for a future when more people are able to share their stories so that we can make a change in the stigma that goes along with the word cancer. I wish that we would hear more stories about survivors as opposed to people who have passed and most of all I wish for a future where cancer is no longer a common diagnosis.
It still surprises me how after all I have been through, that talking about my diagnosis and remembering when I told people that I had breast cancer is what brings out emotion in me. Having the surgery, chemo and now radiation doesn't really phase me as I have seen many others do the same, but how you receive your diagnosis and tell people is very personal. Everyone in this case is different. Some people are open from the beginning, others take a while and I am sure others never tell. How you decide to do it is one of the few things YOU actually get to decide in this crazy process.
I was fortunate that my work was understanding and compassionate about my situation. I know of others who were not so fortunate and I can understand why woman change jobs or just do not go back to work at all.
Having breast cancer is humbling.
Yes there are many things out there which can help you through, prosthesis, wigs, makeup..etc but in general people know your situation. The average person passing you on the street wouldn't know the difference about me but everyone at my work knows differently. I am lucky that I am able to laugh about my boob that tends to move around, that Molly <my wig> always looks the same <except when I get too close to the stove> and that I have faced my cancer head on and there is no going back. I am also lucky to not only have a large support group, but within that group contains my coworkers and employer.
I wish for a future when more people are able to share their stories so that we can make a change in the stigma that goes along with the word cancer. I wish that we would hear more stories about survivors as opposed to people who have passed and most of all I wish for a future where cancer is no longer a common diagnosis.
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