Day by day-Thursday

Day 2
OMG, today I don't feel like someone had a baseball bat....today someone ran over me and then backed up with an 18 wheeler. Ok let's try getting out of bed again...left arm under body, straighten arm...damn it just sunk 4" into the memory foam and now when it is bent I am barely off the pillow....think ...think...hmm the cat slept with me last night and he is not liking the look in my eyes ...I wonder if a cat can haul a lot....he quickly jumps off the bed.

Let's try the roll thing again...but I'll inch my way closer to the side of the bed....Do you know hard it is to inch yourself to the side of the bed when you cant move the top half of the right side of your body. I get almost to the edge and I hear B get out of bed....I lay there like I haven't been doing anything. He heaves me up and I wobble to the bathroom and then the chair...do the drain thing.

BUT today with the drains they are lighter in colour and stringy...I make the gagging motions and look away while B drains them and cleans them.  The stringy stuff is actually coming out of the drain....I think the room is spinning.....close your eyes and go to your happy place.....

Today my goal is to dress myself....I get most of the way there with the exception of being able to put my arm all the way into the sweatshirt. Again I spend most of the day sleeping, reading and doing my exercises while having my husband fead me. Tonight we curled up in "my" bed and had movie night...why haven't we always done this...oh yeah...

Biggest accomplishment: Almost dressing myself completely
Most thankful for: Bath in a bag

Day by day-Wednesday

Day 1
OMG, did someone hit me with a baseball bat. Drugs I need drugs. Ok drugs are in, now I attempt to get out of bed. It is amazing how you need the mobility of both arms or good abdominal muscles to get you easily out of bed. I have neither. I guess I could lie here and wait for B to get up...well that lasts all of about 2 seconds. I then look at the dog on the bed and think...I should have hooked his harness on him the night before so he could drag me out. Hindsight is always 20-20. I decided to sleep in the spare room for a couple of days so B could get some sleep and our bed is not big enough for him, my injured self, a dog, and a cat.

So how am I going to do this, roll to the left ...ok the 4" think memory foam is stopping me. Think. think. ok if I just slide my legs over to the side I can then turn them , giving me momentum and giddy up. I inch my legs over and then realize...damn...I am too far in the middle of the bed and my legs aren't long enough...think....lets try those abdominal muscles...oh shit they are connected further up to where the drains are connected which is connected to where my breast was. OUCH! I admit defeat. sigh.

B then wakes up comes over to the room...help! I get seated up..now what. I guess I didn't think this through. I wobble my way to the bathroom and then make it to a chair in the living room. I feel like I accomplished a marathon. Then I look at the drains...oh goody....they need to be emptied. <Have I mentioned how much I love my husband.> He goes and gets the measuring cups, sets up the paper chart, drains the two drains...while I sit there trying not to look or gag.

VON shows up to check on my bandages and to start my exercise routines. I wobble myself back to the bedroom <why did I get up?>. I pass my inspection and start on the exercises...I feel like I have never used my arm before...I literally get it a foot up the wall and I feel more than a "gentle pull"...come on!

I try to move it further and it is a no go. sigh...this defeat thing is already getting old.

I spend most of the day reading, sleeping and calling for help.

Biggest accomplishment: I pulled up my own pants <did I say how much I love my husband>
Most thankful for: my husband

D-Day or should I say -B Day

I surprising slept very well the night before the surgery but I was a bundle of nerves once I woke up. What to wear? I decided on a heavy sweatshirt and easy to pull on shorts as I could be sleeping in this for a while. We showed up on time <kind of>, registered and I go changed into the infamous Johnny Shirt..this time strings on the back. I met with the nurse who took my blood pressure and who asked a series of questions, all of which I responded no to. She looked at me suspiciously ..."So except for the cancer you are healthy". Seems like a contradiction of terms..but yup!

B and I were led upstairs to another waiting room and the floor still had the lights turned off .<Hello, anybody home?> Apparently the hospital is in a cut back rotation....great...all the staff is on board today for my surgery right? We then get the Ok- the doctors are ready- we are off again. At this point B and I have to separate and I continue down the hallway to a stretcher. ahhhh ....mommy.....

I am asked to lie there while they finish getting the operating room ready. I get comfy, get a hot blanket put over me and the next thing I know there is a line up of people beside me. I feel like the Dali Lama and I have just opened my door for visitors.

Visitor #1 is Dr. T.  Are you happy? <excuse me> You're not feeling depressed or anything? ahhh I see where you are going. No I am not depressed but let's just say this surgery will not make it on my highlight reel. This is the stage when I ask for drugs...I want a prescription because I am a wimp with pain! I don't deny it...give me drugs!

Visitor 2: The resident...who will give me the drugs.
Visitor 3 & 4: The anesthesiologists....real and student...student seems a little nervous...I hope I am not his first pin cushion
Visitor 5: The nurse liaison who then makes me repeat what visitors 2-4 have talked about and what I am here for

Once I pass the test, I am then brought into the chilly room and introduced to people 6-10...I hope I don't have to repeat names. I lay on the table and then gently pull my johnny shirt around my arm as to not expose my breasts. Seriously people? I know the moment I am out this thing is being whipped down to my knees. Why be modest now?

I lay back..watch the nervous anesthesiologist get an iv in my left hand ..a mask goes over my face and I do not remember the count down......

<time laspe 2 hrs and 20 mins>
Blink Blink....I gradually wake up and look around to see a large room full of about 10 spots. A nurse immediately comes over and asks me from 1-10 how much pain I am in...I say 7...before I know what is going on she is jabbing something into the IV drip and things get fuzzy and distant...my eyes close

This routine goes on for a little while <about 1hr> until I say I am ok to go to the next room where I will be sat up. I then notice I have two drains. I expected this but was still surprised to see them. This means my sentinel nodes are gone as well and I have had an axillary mastectomy. I am not surprised as I knew with the size of my tumors (3.4cm and 4cm) this was a high possibility but I was always hopeful that they wouldn't have to come out.

Side note: The day before I had radioactive material inserted into my nipple so they could literally use a metal detector<technical term geicometer-spelling not so sure of> to find the sentinel nodes,,,,sounds scarier than it actually was.

I stagger my way to the chair and I am wheeled off. Not really sure where I wheeled to as I was still quite drugged but I was delivered to a much smaller room with old fashion lazy boys and moved from the wheel chair over. Nurse 1 comes over to offer me liquid....yes please. Nurse 1 and 2 attempt to have a chat with me but I am happier to just fade in and out. After a while I decide ..ok...time to go home. Nurse 2 goes to get B and Nurse 1 attempts to get me dressed...this is the first time I see the bandage...wait..is the room suppose to spin like that. Cold cloth please.

2nd attempt at getting dressed goes much better and I get into the wheel chair. Now I have B, Nurse 1 & 2 asking me if I am sure I am ready to leave...get me the hell out of here! I am wheeled down to the front doors ever so cautiously by Porter G who is worried about my stomach turnings..and rightly so.

I do hang on and the breeze threw the front door feels like I am on the front of a sailboat,,,was going to say the Titanic..but that went down. Get in the car and we are off.

I lay in bed, needing help to do everything as I can barely move my arm or body, I am nauseous but never throw up. I am definitely not looking my best. VON comes in that night to check on me and then it is lights out. I only have to wake up B once during the night but sleep through most of it. Part 1 down. I wonder what tomorrow brings.

Twas the night before

I am sure most people spend the time before a mastectomy concentrating on getting mentally ready to loose a breast, I focused my time on how to regain it. Many people seem to have different options on how reconstructive surgery goes. Especially when it comes to the nipple region. I realize I have a long way to go before I get to this point but..hmm how do they make a nipple?

Apparently your natural nipple is made out of similar material as your earlobe, but then I would have a defunct earlobe or it can be made out of the labia. Yup I said it the "nether-region". Now I wondered why the labia? When my husband quickly responded.....so guys can find it!

Funny guy.

There is also the option of a "nipple tattoo". I think this would be a better option then cutting apart my body more...maybe I should get a full on chest tattoo to mask both breasts and make them indistinguishable between real and fake. It would give the technicians something to talk about when I do go for the next mammogram. On second thought this may not look too pretty when I'm 80. An array of fish and flowers may look like the tank of the wilted and dead.

I guess this will be one more decision to make down the road.

The doctor awaits

I have been "lucky" in the sense that my appointments have been quickly followed by another appointment. Thus, not allowing me much time to think. My appointment with the surgeon was scheduled for the week after my diagnoses. Of course I spent some time researching him and discovered that he specializes in breast cancer...so in my mind a good guy to have.

Unlike other parts of the hospital, where it is hurry up and wait, we arrive to a newly organized section. At least I hope it is newly organized as they were still debating about how to work the numbering system....not giving me a lot of confidence here ladies. Once their debate was over, a new file was created for me, where they continued to put more and more papers into...I don't think my record was this big from birth onward. They know it's just one boob right...how big is your file if it is two.

My husband was not missing this appointment due to the results of the last one. Plus I needed someone to help remember/understand some of the possible information I was about to be given. We were directed into a room that was a fair size. I disrobed and put on the johnny shirt. 

Side note: The Johnny shirt is a cruel piece of material. Different departments want you to put it on different ways. This so called shirt doesn't look good either way...one size does not fit all. Plus shirts don't go to mid-calf. If you put it on with the top tie facing forward it wants to choke you. If the tie goes in the back you have to be a contortionist to tie the bottom tie. I think "Johnny" was in an insane asylum...just saying I need to design something better.

Knock knock. <don't you always want to say ...come back in 5 minutes> A woman peeks her head around the corner and sees my husband. A shock look goes over he face <did I get the wrong room> then her gaze falls on me and she enters. She explains how the process will work.
- She is a resident <as in student>
-She will ask a series of questions
-She will do an examination
-She will report her findings to the doctor outside
-The doctor will come in, do an exam himself
-He will have a discussion with us about our next steps

Seems straight forward....

Step 1:Question Period
Dr J: So you know you have Invasive ductal carcinoma
Me: I do now <this is good in the scheme of things as from my neurotic googling I know this is the most common type>. You have to realize my doctor technically never told me I had cancer.
Dr. J <puzzled look>
Dr J: Do you have a family history of BC
Me: Not that I am aware of. My mother was adopted.
Dr: J: Do you smoke
Me: No
Dr J: How much do you drink
Me: Maybe 1 glass a week
Dr J: Have you noticed an increase in tiredness
Me: No
Dr J: Have you lost any weight
Me:sigh ...No
Dr J: Have you had a decrease in appetite
B:<belly laughter> NO!
<evil sideways glance from wife>
 
Step 2: Examination
I hop up on the table. I get groped on my right side then my left
Dr. J: Wow that tumor is quite large and you can feel the definition of the two
Now I probably should have responded with "why thank you" but thought this may be inappropriate.
A little more touch touch, poke poke and we were done. Then she left the room. <this sounds like some of my past relationships>

Step 3: dun dun dun..the Doctor enters
Again he does the touch touch, poke poke. Only he does a little extra and circles my breast around saying, "I don't think it has attached to the chest wall" <ok this is good> but it has attached to the skin. He then turns to Dr. J ..Do you know how I know it has attached. She has a blank look, I await with curiosity...how Dr. T..how? You can see the puckering when you press it inward.....oh yeah you can.

Dr. T: Ok that's it you can get up....wait...<how come I have all of this touching and no one has yet bought me dinner. >

I get up..contort myself with the shirt and sit back down. Dr. T turns to me and looks me straight in the eye.
"You have to have a mastectomy. The tumor is too large to have a lumpectomy. You will have chemo. It will be Tuesday and I will confirm the time"

GULP ..Today is Thursday. That is only 4 days away. He went on to explain some details but my mind had glazed over...all I heard was you are young <wait did he call me young> and therefore the cancers tend to be aggressive. You probably have noticed it growing rapidly....yes. Any questions? <Questions? No my mind is drawing a blank....might have something to do with the "system overload" sign blinking in front of me"

As he was writing a bunch of stuff on my chart he is questioning Dr J on some items. If I need to take out the sentinel nodes, which nerve can I cut?Pause..answer: incorrect. Questions 2: What nerve do I want to stay away from: Pause..answer: incorrect. <jokingly..but not really> I look him in the eye...You're doing the surgery ..right? Yes..Pause...answer. CORRECT!

They leave the room, I get dressed and try to take in the information but it is too much. Then Nurse L walks in..sees my face and proceeds with caution. Ok so your surgery is at 7:30am Tuesday morning...you have to be here for 6:30am.

WAIT>>>Dr. T just walked out the door how did it get scheduled so quickly? She hands me a folder and a series of books and ask if my family Dr gave me "THE" book.<Intelligent Patient Guide on Breast Cancer> Nope. I am thinking at this point I should switch doctors. Armed with an array of "light" reading she begins to explain each of the items she has given me along with what the drain I will need to take care of looks like. I am once again overwhelmed by the information I have been given and need to digest it. Did I hear the word drain?

She writes down my next appointment which is the next day for training??? Then directs us to the bowels of the hospital for blood work. My knees wobble. It will be less than a month from the time of my very first mammogram to having surgery. I am pretty sure this is the fast track!

I had planned to go back to work after this but after getting into my car I realized..."who am I kidding, I am not even sure I know how to get out of the parking lot at his moment" Breathe In. Breathe Out. You can do this!

To tell a tale

If anyone is in the position of having to tell people awful news that they were not expecting...you know. It is the hardest thing you ever feel you have to do. Telling our parents felt like ripping out our hearts. Telling friends wasn't any better. After the telling continued you would think it would get easier, but it does not.

While they are only three little words, they are the hardest to say. I have cancer.

What was even worse is that most people had no clue I had even found a lump.

Lesson learned: Secrets get you no where

During this tell-all period I had many breakdowns trying to wrap my head around the next step. I searched on line for answers but didn't find any that matched what I was going through. I figured after my last google "misunderstanding" I should stay away from the googles.

I also had a hard time coming to terms with what to call what I had. I didn't like the word sick as I have more than a cold. I didn't like the word illness as I think it is a negative word sounding death like. Disease sounds like someone else can catch it. Tumors make me think of Arnold Schwarzenegger. So I guess I have to stick with the actual word of Cancer.

Both of my parents have had cancer <different kind than me> and they both told me face to face.  I realize now how much courage that took. It is not bravery as you have no choice but to walk the road but it is courage of strength and will that gets you to the intersection.

I am most thankful for the love and support of family and friends as well as from the people I barely know. It is with courage that I walk this path but I am thankful to have an endless sea of people helping me stand tall.

The results are in

3:35pm Phone rings

J: Hello

Dr. B’s office: Hi J. your results have come in and I am wondering if you are available to come in on Monday

J: <the results are in…I thought I had another week> Actually I can come over today if you can fit me in

Dr. B’s office:hmmm let me see, how far away are you?

J: 10-15mins

Dr. B’s office:ok, come right now and I will fit you in. He is in walk-in today but we’ll squeeze you in

3:40pm

I quickly email my boss to let him know that I am leaving for the day. I text B. to let him know the results are in. Shut down my computer, I can barely think straight, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door. Hop in my car and I am off for what seemed like an extremely long ride. I cross over the bridge and out of nowhere I say out loud “Please don’t let it be cancer”.

Breathe in, breathe out.

3:53pm

I get to the Dr.’s office and register. The receptionist tells me it wont be long he is in with one patient and she will fit me n before the other.

I get a text from B asking if he wants me to have him there. Nah it will be a quick results of the fibrocystic disease. I will see you at home.

4:02pm

I am called into Dr. B’s office

4:03pm

Dr. B enters the office

Dr. B: How are you doing?

J: <laughing> I don’t know, you tell me.

Dr. B: Your results from your biopsy are in, they are written on this paper.

Dr. B.: Can you confirm this is your name and date of birth on the top.

<confirm what? He knows who I am…I don’t understand why I am confirming the information>

J: Yes.

<quickly scan the page before he starts talking, ok I see the spot of the lumps…

Dr. B: So you had two biopsies and they are both tumors.

…scan, scan, scan…look up

J: okkkk???

Dr B: So from this point the clinic will contact you and they will continue your treatment from here. You will now be in their care.

WAIT…their care. What am I missing?

Pause

J.: <slowly> Do I have cancer?

Dr B.: Yes

J: Are both tumors cancerous

Dr B: Yes, both are cancerous. Both are tumors

J: So what now?

Dr. B: You will be called by the clinic in two weeks and this is the only information I have.<He hand over the paper and I scan I for anything additional…nothing>

J: ok < I get up..stunned>

Dr. B: Good luck and let me know if you have any questions

4:08pm

Questions: What is he talking about. I open the door and I am confused which way to turn. I quickly walk out the front door to my car, get in, close the door. Tears stream down my face. 

I have cancer. I have CANCER. I HAVE CANCER.

I begin to sob uncontrollably. What should I do? Can I drive home? OMG I HAVE CANCER.  I start my car and begin the drive home. Tears will not stop streaming and my sobbing continues. I am a mess. I cannot believe the results. Am I going to die?

I drive in the driveway and B is not home but I know he will be here shortly. I run in the front door and the dog immediately knows something is wrong. He looks at me and my sobbing breaks out again. I get a face cloth and run cold water on it, trying to make the tears stop. They don’t.

I sit in the living room waiting for B to show up. He arrives minutes later, get out of his car, walks up the front path and sees me. Immediately he knows the answer to my results. Runs through the front door and hugs me. We sob uncontrollably for what feels like hours but is only minutes. Finally we pull it together enough for me to tell him what the doctor said. I do not know what kind of cancer I have, exactly what the next steps are or anything. All know is I have breast cancer. 

How am I going to tell my parents? I think they are at the cottage and I cannot tell them while they are there.

I need a glass of wine. Maybe two.

I did try to call my parents at home but they were, as suspected, at the cottage. I decided to wait until the next day to tell anyone else in hopes B and I could figure out how to tell people. To this point I had only told a couple of people that I had a lump, no big deal. How do I go from saying that to what is now the result? 

That night B and I went out for dinner as we had planned to do and strolled along the waterfront. Being in public helped me from crying, my eyes did water on occasion but I kept it fairly under control.

I am not sure why the overwhelming feeling of I have let everyone down” kept reoccurring for me as this was not something I had done to myself, or caused. I felt guilty as I was about to drastically change everyone‘s life close to me. 

That night B and I talked about a lot of things and cried ourselves to sleep. One step at a time was what we agreed to.

<whisper> I have cancer.

The Waiting Game

I was told it would take 10 business days before I was given the results of my biopsy. For the first two days my mind was fine as it concentrated more on the healing of where I was permanently inked. I was still sore from the procedure and decided Ibuprofen was my friend.

After to days the "googles" started setting in and I looked up the difference between fibrocystic disease and breast cancer.

Symptoms of Fibrocystic Breast Disease

• swollen and/or tender breasts
  
• possibility of one or more lumps
  
• pain level from minor to severe 

ok I have all of these symptoms...but what about that cancer word...

Signs and symptoms of breast cancer may include:

• A breast lump or thickening that feels different from the surrounding tissue
• Bloody discharge from the nipple
• Change in the size or shape of a breast
• Changes to the skin over the breast, such as dimpling
• Inverted nipple
• Peeling, scaling or flaking of the nipple or breast skin
• Redness or pitting of the skin over your breast, like the skin of an orange

and whew...I have only one of these, a lump. Plus my family has no history of this type of cancer. Ok breathe. How many more days of this do I have to wait? Seriously by the time my results are going to be in I am going to be a basket case where the ibprohen isn't going to cut it.

Play: Theme music from Jaws

So what do you wear to a core biopsy? I thought a skirt was the best solution as it "went with" the lovely hospital gown and would allow for comfort. Side Note: I am sure I am not the first person who thought about what to wear to a biospy.

Ok I was prepared. I read my brochure, did some research, knew what was involved. I can do this!

I get to the same place as the mammogram but was called to door number 1 as opposed to door number two. This room was bright and had a reclining chair...how bad could it be?

The technician gave me the run down
-We will put you in the chair
-Face you sideways
-Line you up to the mammogram machine
-Clamp down
.....ok I can already feel the pain. Wasn't their suppose to be freezing involved. I should have taken stronger drugs

- Then we will take a picture
-Insert the needle
-You will feel a slight tingle with the needle and then the area will be frozen
-We will then do the biospy taking 5 for each lump.
-Followed by 3 pictures
-and a mammogram

Ok can I pass out now. What they didn't tell me until now was that they would only be freezing the SPOT where the biopsy needle goes in NOT the whole breast.

The the doctor came in and explained the exact same run down only he got he to sign a waiver. Hmm if I accidentally kicked him is this in the waiver?

He then demonstrated what the sound of the machine would be like so I wouldn't jump. My mouth began to get dry and I don't remember the room starting to spin....

It sounded like an air compressed nail gun.

So then we began. The technician did all of the maneuvering to get me in. She barely put the clamp on and I wanted to scream for my mommy. We finally got adjusted and she said.."You can breathe". Like that was going to happen. After about 30 mins, my legs started to shake as I am not going to lie that while I didn't feel the biopsy needle I did feel everything else..aka my boob stretched across a metal plate that was squashed with a piece of plastic. My breast bone shoved into the metal plate like it was trying to become one with it.

After 45mins I hadn't gotten to the "picture part" yet and asked "how much longer poppa smurf"..about 10 more minutes...just hang on. WHERE WAS I GOING? I continued to close my eyes and hang on.

I have never felt such relief when they took off the clamp...until I looked around. This was the first time I have had my eyes open since they put me in the machine and I was surprised to see all of the blood. There was blood on me, there was blood all over the machine, on the paddles, on the prongs attached to the paddles. Good thing I am lying down!

I then get an ice pack and a towel. I look at the two new "tattoos" I now have. They inject you with dye in case you have to go for surgery it will act as a guide. My first tattoo and it is a dot...how sad.

I finally get my sea legs back after a couple of minutes and the technician has already decided she is not taking any chances and is going to wheel me into get the mammogram. I think she was worried about having to pick me up off of the floor...and I don't blame her as it was a possibility.

She the squeezed me into the dreaded mammography machine took three quick photos and said...whatever, they can see where the dye is. Did I mention this woman was great. Then she had to clean off that machine of my blood ...but it was just a couple of spots..

Then wheeled me back to door number one. Stuck the ice pack back on ...gave me a moment while she checked on the radiologist and voila...I was out of there.

Now I had planned to go back to work after this....but as I walked down the hall and wasn't quite sure my legs were going to make it...I thought not such a wise idea.Then when I got in my car and realized shit its a standard...this is going to hurt...that maybe I should have brought someone with me.

I was told I would have the results in 7-10 days

Now I wait.

Next Step

So I did a stupid thing and looked up what is involved in a dual core biopsy. I figured I was going to be clamped to a machine for 45mins I should at least have an idea of what it is going to do to me..right? WRONG.

I went on YouTube and watched a video of how it is done. This was my first mistake. It is one thing to be handed another clip art brochure which outlines the procedure, it is a whole other ballgame to actually look it up and see it.

Basically here is what it looks like....this is not for the squeamish

http://youtu.be/69cNo1h5pzc

I was told mine would be guided with a mammography machine but really...how different could it be? This already looked painful, could mine be any worse?