I have been back to work for just over two weeks and I am thankful when Friday roles around. I feel like I am 8, where I want to stay up past 9:30pm but my eyes and body work against me. I am tired at the end of each day and some night it is an effort to change into my pjs. The other night I stayed up until 11pm on a Saturday night and paid for it the next day. I spent the whole day in a fog and realized that I am still in need of my beauty sleep.
I went to see my oncologist today for what I thought would be my next schedule of appointments, only to learn that he is signing off on me. Since the radiation oncologist was the last to see me, he is the lucky winner of my future appointments. I feel kind of sad to leave Dr. R and Nurse H, but realize there are <unfortunately> many more to care for behind me. While my treatment is over my care is not. They both think I am crazy for going back to work so soon and not to push it....ahh did I mention how many steps I climbed in Greece??? Plus, let's face it..I am stubborn and didn't see the need to hang around the house when I could be at work earning money!
I am taking care of myself and attempting to exercise <shhh don't tell my body> and eat well. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I found a lump. When I was being diagnosed I thought the journey would take forever. Now when I look back it feels like it was a flash...almost..not real...almost. My eyelashes are growing and so is my hair. While neither is growing at any quick rate, I see changes for the good every day.
While waiting to see the doctor today I was getting frustrated with how late he was running. Then I discovered that he was late because a woman who is 36 years old, and has had breast cancer, both breasts removed and the cancer has returned to her lungs and liver, is now receiving more bad news; which she will have to go home and tell her 4 year old daughter. I thought to myself, relax, no need to rush, time is something I am lucky to have on my side. Tomorrow I get to wake up, knowing my body is getting better each day. I am loved beyond words from a large support network and feel blessed for everything I have. Others are not so lucky, but today...luck is on my side. I feel like a girl who has won the lottery...called LIFE!
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breast cancer. Show all posts
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
It's worth the climb
I was a little worried about my trip and all of the walking I would be doing. Would I be able to keep up, how would my energy level be by the end of the day and was I taking on too much and should have just sat on a beach somewhere instead?
It is funny how some of the smallest things are the things that never cross your mind and then cause you sudden panic. For instance. I was more worried about the walking and dragging others back and never even thought about wearing my wig on a plane ...overnight! I have taken naps wearing it and it did not look pretty when I woke up. It was twisted and all messed up. I realized this fact somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Which is probably why I didn't sleep a whole lot as I was worried that I would freak out those around me...thankfully an older gentleman did this for me when he thew up his dinner and red wine all over himself. I was trying to not gag and throw up while my husband kept asking me to look to see what was going on...from now on I get the window seat!~
Another instance came when I went through airport security and was randomly selected to be either patted down or go through the machine. Even though the customs agent comforted me that the machine does not emit regular radiation rays, I figured I had had enough radiation and opted for the pat down. Before she began I explained my wig, prosthetic and that I was still healing from radiation. She was wonderful and if I didn't know better I would say she gave me a massage and sent me on my way.
All in all, I did well at the walking...and there are A LOT of steps to climb. I took my time and stopped when I got out of breath. I was happy to find that others in my party felt the same on some of the climbs. I noticed an increase in my ability each day and by the end of the trip I found the steps easier to climb..not easy..just eas-ier. And when I thought I had no energy left I would look behind me, see the Asian bus tour pull up and know that I had better move my butt fast! It is amazing that energy suddenly finds you.
I even discovered that I never have to worry about drowning if I am wearing my prosthetic. My friend and I were trying to touch the bottom of the pool and she was able to touch with her tippy toe, but I could never get down far enough. Then I stopped and realized I was floating without needing to tread...I then went and showed my husband my new pool trick. hmmm..."squeeze the water out" he said ...I then sunk like a rock!
I am so glad that I took this trip to relax, enjoy and see a beautiful country. One more cross off on my bucket list. I also met a women <working at a spa of all places> who had had breast cancer and was now 10 years past her diagnosis. She gave me hope, knowledge and security in my future. It is great to find wonder it the most unusual of places.
It is funny how some of the smallest things are the things that never cross your mind and then cause you sudden panic. For instance. I was more worried about the walking and dragging others back and never even thought about wearing my wig on a plane ...overnight! I have taken naps wearing it and it did not look pretty when I woke up. It was twisted and all messed up. I realized this fact somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Which is probably why I didn't sleep a whole lot as I was worried that I would freak out those around me...thankfully an older gentleman did this for me when he thew up his dinner and red wine all over himself. I was trying to not gag and throw up while my husband kept asking me to look to see what was going on...from now on I get the window seat!~
Another instance came when I went through airport security and was randomly selected to be either patted down or go through the machine. Even though the customs agent comforted me that the machine does not emit regular radiation rays, I figured I had had enough radiation and opted for the pat down. Before she began I explained my wig, prosthetic and that I was still healing from radiation. She was wonderful and if I didn't know better I would say she gave me a massage and sent me on my way.
All in all, I did well at the walking...and there are A LOT of steps to climb. I took my time and stopped when I got out of breath. I was happy to find that others in my party felt the same on some of the climbs. I noticed an increase in my ability each day and by the end of the trip I found the steps easier to climb..not easy..just eas-ier. And when I thought I had no energy left I would look behind me, see the Asian bus tour pull up and know that I had better move my butt fast! It is amazing that energy suddenly finds you.
I even discovered that I never have to worry about drowning if I am wearing my prosthetic. My friend and I were trying to touch the bottom of the pool and she was able to touch with her tippy toe, but I could never get down far enough. Then I stopped and realized I was floating without needing to tread...I then went and showed my husband my new pool trick. hmmm..."squeeze the water out" he said ...I then sunk like a rock!
I am so glad that I took this trip to relax, enjoy and see a beautiful country. One more cross off on my bucket list. I also met a women <working at a spa of all places> who had had breast cancer and was now 10 years past her diagnosis. She gave me hope, knowledge and security in my future. It is great to find wonder it the most unusual of places.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Packing Up
As a celebration to end cancer and to get away from it all, we have booked a trip to GREECE. It is at the top of my bucket list and can't wait to head out to see the crystal blue waters and white and blue buildings...not to mention that we are looking forward to eating <and drinking> our way through the mainland and islands. So needless to say this will be my last post for a couple of weeks.
Packing up is quite the challenge. Normally, we are throw everything in a bag and hope for the best kind of people. BUT this time I had to
1. rifle through my clothes to see what would work- this can be depressing on the best of days but now realize I will need to buy some new work wardrobe pieces
2. Buy new bathing suits that hide the prosthetic- most women want to bear their breasts while sun bathing..me ..not so much..I am more trying to hide my nubbin'
3.Think about how to wash "cindy", bring "molly" as backup just is case Cindy gets caught on fire from the flaming cheese-note to self do not order anything saganaki
4. Pack the back up boob in case the prosthetic bothers me- that should be fun at customs should they question it...do I whip out the prosthetic or whip off the wig?
5. Then there is the regular packing for hot and cold- and hot flashes -
6. And lastly print tickets, bring all current electronics <how do people with babies do it> oh yeah and remember our clothes- ahh the small details
To everyone...we love you, but don't miss us too much:) We'll be having a great time, will email when we can and lastly OPA!
Packing up is quite the challenge. Normally, we are throw everything in a bag and hope for the best kind of people. BUT this time I had to
1. rifle through my clothes to see what would work- this can be depressing on the best of days but now realize I will need to buy some new work wardrobe pieces
2. Buy new bathing suits that hide the prosthetic- most women want to bear their breasts while sun bathing..me ..not so much..I am more trying to hide my nubbin'
3.Think about how to wash "cindy", bring "molly" as backup just is case Cindy gets caught on fire from the flaming cheese-note to self do not order anything saganaki
4. Pack the back up boob in case the prosthetic bothers me- that should be fun at customs should they question it...do I whip out the prosthetic or whip off the wig?
5. Then there is the regular packing for hot and cold- and hot flashes -
6. And lastly print tickets, bring all current electronics <how do people with babies do it> oh yeah and remember our clothes- ahh the small details
To everyone...we love you, but don't miss us too much:) We'll be having a great time, will email when we can and lastly OPA!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Feeling Up
My skin is almost back to normal and has a lovely smooth feeling with a side of tan-ish. Let's face it, I am a VERY white girl and the radiation has caused me to have the darkest tan I have ever had, even if it is in one square foot and I had to have cancer to get it.
I have also gone to get my prosthetic as well. It was a bit weird when the lady who made it was explaining how to care for it. She squeezed it, showed me how to wash it, apply it <yes it can stick to you for 5 days with medical adhesive> and remove it. All the while I am thinking-sick as I am- am I being felt up from a distance? It is awkward, to say the least, watching someone manipulate a replication of your breast.
While it doesn't feel natural it is a pretty good replication and what I expect an implant to feel like. The colour and nipple came out well and the form is good in my regular bras. I have also begun wearing it for a couple of hours each day to get used to it. It is not heavy but it is heavier than the "sock" I have been wearing and I am still healing on my scar line...and not to mention that new skin is itchy!
The true test was when I went to dinner at my parents last weekend and my mother told me that my left side was hanging down a bit...I looked down and then back at her and said..."But that's my real one" to which my lovely endearing mother replied "Maybe they can give you a lift".
Ahh I can feel the love.
I have also gone to get my prosthetic as well. It was a bit weird when the lady who made it was explaining how to care for it. She squeezed it, showed me how to wash it, apply it <yes it can stick to you for 5 days with medical adhesive> and remove it. All the while I am thinking-sick as I am- am I being felt up from a distance? It is awkward, to say the least, watching someone manipulate a replication of your breast.
While it doesn't feel natural it is a pretty good replication and what I expect an implant to feel like. The colour and nipple came out well and the form is good in my regular bras. I have also begun wearing it for a couple of hours each day to get used to it. It is not heavy but it is heavier than the "sock" I have been wearing and I am still healing on my scar line...and not to mention that new skin is itchy!
The true test was when I went to dinner at my parents last weekend and my mother told me that my left side was hanging down a bit...I looked down and then back at her and said..."But that's my real one" to which my lovely endearing mother replied "Maybe they can give you a lift".
Ahh I can feel the love.
Friday, April 6, 2012
To hell and back
When people talk about having been through cancer they talk about the war they have been through. While I cannot relate to our troops I can relate to a war on my body and I have the battle scars to prove it. It is one week since the end of my radiation and my skin still continues to peel. Some in new spots, some in old spots. Under my armpit it has peeled down to what looks like the dermis layer -very gross- and was all weepy and not pretty smelling after the day.
I am back to having showers and find the water running down the front is soothing. I am also soaking the skin at night aka taking a bath and find that each day that my skin is not as painful as the day before. I can wear a bra for the day but have developed an appeal for the freedom of not wearing one. I think I might have been a nudist in a former life...although I am sure my neighbours appreciate my clothed self...not to mention my family and friends.
I think I am close to the end of the peeling stage and still slap a mixture of flamazine, hydro cortisone and lubriderm on various areas as my chest and armpit as they are all at various stages.
As I look at my hands, I wonder where my pretty nails have gone. Instead I am left with `tiger lines`` and what looks like I have slammed several of my fingers in a car door. It looks like my nails are going to peel off in layers as they grow out but at least it doesn`t look like they are going to fall off...my toes are another story.
I have been watching my toes, as a chemo side effect is loosing nails...as opposed to being THAT bored. I am sad to say that one of my big toes is not going to win. While the other one might not look so pretty it is nothing that some nail polish cannot disguise. I am just hoping the other one will hang on until after my pedicure and trip..else my sandal days may cause some unusual foot staring.
My ``root`` vein is still hanging around like an unwanted friend but it is not as apparent as it use to be and the blown out vein lines are fading each day. They now look the colour of a week old bruise.
In all of this it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining but there are some: my real hair is growing in...even in the bald patches. Mind you some of it looks like pubic hair but I guess beggars can`t be choosers. I now have one eyelash on its way in and if you look reallllly close you can see some eyebrows too. But the biggest news is that the hot flashes have started to decrease...whoot whoot! I have gone from having 15-20 a day -so basically soaked the whole day and feeling like I peed myself- to 6-10 a day and only slightly damp!
I went out last night and had a glass of wine with dinner, only had one hot flash during the concert and came home with energy to spare...watch out world...I`M COMING BACK!
I am back to having showers and find the water running down the front is soothing. I am also soaking the skin at night aka taking a bath and find that each day that my skin is not as painful as the day before. I can wear a bra for the day but have developed an appeal for the freedom of not wearing one. I think I might have been a nudist in a former life...although I am sure my neighbours appreciate my clothed self...not to mention my family and friends.
I think I am close to the end of the peeling stage and still slap a mixture of flamazine, hydro cortisone and lubriderm on various areas as my chest and armpit as they are all at various stages.
As I look at my hands, I wonder where my pretty nails have gone. Instead I am left with `tiger lines`` and what looks like I have slammed several of my fingers in a car door. It looks like my nails are going to peel off in layers as they grow out but at least it doesn`t look like they are going to fall off...my toes are another story.
I have been watching my toes, as a chemo side effect is loosing nails...as opposed to being THAT bored. I am sad to say that one of my big toes is not going to win. While the other one might not look so pretty it is nothing that some nail polish cannot disguise. I am just hoping the other one will hang on until after my pedicure and trip..else my sandal days may cause some unusual foot staring.
My ``root`` vein is still hanging around like an unwanted friend but it is not as apparent as it use to be and the blown out vein lines are fading each day. They now look the colour of a week old bruise.
In all of this it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining but there are some: my real hair is growing in...even in the bald patches. Mind you some of it looks like pubic hair but I guess beggars can`t be choosers. I now have one eyelash on its way in and if you look reallllly close you can see some eyebrows too. But the biggest news is that the hot flashes have started to decrease...whoot whoot! I have gone from having 15-20 a day -so basically soaked the whole day and feeling like I peed myself- to 6-10 a day and only slightly damp!
I went out last night and had a glass of wine with dinner, only had one hot flash during the concert and came home with energy to spare...watch out world...I`M COMING BACK!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Hell hath no fury
I may not be a woman scorned but I am definitely now a woman who is scorched!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Time Flies
I cannot believe I only have 4 more treatments of radiation left; unfortunately, my skin may say otherwise. I think going everyday <and trying to find the best parking spot> has made the time fly by. I am thankful that I am a short drive to the hospital as I am sure anyone living further out may not feel the same way.
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Hair Envy
In life I have not wanted for much. Nor have I been the kind of person to covet what others have...until now. I find myself sitting in the hospital waiting room and staring at other people's hair. Yup you guessed it <I am sure the title helped> I have "hair envy".
Each day I look closely at my eyelashes and eyebrows for any sight of growth. My head still has the fuzzies but no sign of "real" hair. Unfortunately, each day I have been disappointed. I haven't spent much time googling things throughout my journey but the other day I did google how long before my hair grows. The common consensus is that it starts growing 6 weeks after your last chemo and within two months you will have 1 inch of growth. Which means that I should have almost an inch of hair growth...and obviously I am going to be the exception to the rule.
I am sure my hair follicles are still dizzy with the chemo drugs that coursed through my veins as I still have "war wounds" visible from the chemo injections. So in the meantime, I decided it was time to switch things up and get a new wig. I have decided to call her Cindy. It may not be real hair but it is kind of fun to be able to switch up the styles so easily without having to wait during the growing out stage. Now if I could only find a way to encourage my real hair to grow...maybe it needs fertilizer...you would think that with all of the shit I have been through, it would be growing out of control.
Each day I look closely at my eyelashes and eyebrows for any sight of growth. My head still has the fuzzies but no sign of "real" hair. Unfortunately, each day I have been disappointed. I haven't spent much time googling things throughout my journey but the other day I did google how long before my hair grows. The common consensus is that it starts growing 6 weeks after your last chemo and within two months you will have 1 inch of growth. Which means that I should have almost an inch of hair growth...and obviously I am going to be the exception to the rule.
I am sure my hair follicles are still dizzy with the chemo drugs that coursed through my veins as I still have "war wounds" visible from the chemo injections. So in the meantime, I decided it was time to switch things up and get a new wig. I have decided to call her Cindy. It may not be real hair but it is kind of fun to be able to switch up the styles so easily without having to wait during the growing out stage. Now if I could only find a way to encourage my real hair to grow...maybe it needs fertilizer...you would think that with all of the shit I have been through, it would be growing out of control.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Call me Flasher
Well radiation has begun and I am a whole 4 days in and already feel like a veteran at the process. The first day was a little intimidating as I didn't know what to expect. I registered at reception and changed into a Johnny shirt <ties to the back> and robe. Attempted to put my clothes in a locker which were all filled and then decided to stuff them in a bag I had brought instead. Sat in the waiting room for what felt like forever and then my name was called.
I followed Technician A into a doorway that had a control room on the left and then rounded around a hallway to reveal the radiation room. I took off my robe and undid the ties of my Johnny shirt and laid on the "bed". It is actually a hard plastic slab with another hard plastic piece on top of it. There is a metal curve pillow to put your head, comfort is obviously their main concern. I took my arm out of the Johnny shirt and rested it above on what looked like two stirrup holders. From there it actually felt like I was getting a pap test with the move up, move down scenario playing out. <sorry to the men who have never had this lovely experience>
Once I was lined up, out came the fancy measuring tools..yup a ruler. The lights were turned off and I realized there was a laser level above and beside me. The table moved up and down until the markings matched. Then they marked where my tattoos were. The second technician talked throughout the process to let me know what was going on. I felt like a flasher as every two seconds as the constantly whipped my shirt open and closed to ensure I hadn't moved. Then they left the room.
A machine that looks like the bottom part of a microscope started to rotate over my head and position itself above my chest with a paddle looking piece moving to my back. The one over my head/chest had a orb hat contained a series of metal bars which started shifting into a programmed pattern which for me consisted of two dashes and something that looked like half a mouse followed by two dashes. Two buzzing nosies went off <which I later learnt were the xrays> then both technicians came back in made sure I was still lined up and left the room again. Again more buzzing noises and the machine moved sideways. In came the technicians and told me I was doing great...ahhh I am just lying here.
On and off with the lights..yup still lined up...trust me I wasn't moving. Hell, I was barely breathing. They told me the radiation therapy would now begin and what felt like about a minute later I was being told to relax my arm and the table was being lowered. I was finished. It took about half an hour from start to finish but it felt like about 10 minutes. I got changed and went home and that was that. One down 24 more to go.
Day 2 was a little different. I had one of the same technicians and one new one <well..new to me>. I was told that every second day I would have this rubber pad placed on me as it brings the radiation closer to the surface. In order to keep the pad in place they used this advance technology...called masking tape to tape me down. I literally looked like I was in Gulliver's travels with long strips of masking tape from one side of me to the other. I joked that these pictures had better not show up on facebook....I am not sure they got the joke..I guess that is more of a day 10 joke.
It didn't feel any different and I was in and out in 20 minutes, but I realized that the wait time to get into this room could be long as they were a half hour behind schedule. The good part <if it can be called that> is that when you register it tells you how far behind each of the rooms are. Kind of like the wait times being posted a Disney..except the group of people is less and the lineup isn't as entertaining. A room filled with people in Johnny shirts..some of which need to be longer (much) and bigger is not something you want to see at anytime of the day.
I kept hearing people say they had one more treatment or were finished today ...sigh...but hey, I am at the point where I only have 21 more to go.
I followed Technician A into a doorway that had a control room on the left and then rounded around a hallway to reveal the radiation room. I took off my robe and undid the ties of my Johnny shirt and laid on the "bed". It is actually a hard plastic slab with another hard plastic piece on top of it. There is a metal curve pillow to put your head, comfort is obviously their main concern. I took my arm out of the Johnny shirt and rested it above on what looked like two stirrup holders. From there it actually felt like I was getting a pap test with the move up, move down scenario playing out. <sorry to the men who have never had this lovely experience>
Once I was lined up, out came the fancy measuring tools..yup a ruler. The lights were turned off and I realized there was a laser level above and beside me. The table moved up and down until the markings matched. Then they marked where my tattoos were. The second technician talked throughout the process to let me know what was going on. I felt like a flasher as every two seconds as the constantly whipped my shirt open and closed to ensure I hadn't moved. Then they left the room.
A machine that looks like the bottom part of a microscope started to rotate over my head and position itself above my chest with a paddle looking piece moving to my back. The one over my head/chest had a orb hat contained a series of metal bars which started shifting into a programmed pattern which for me consisted of two dashes and something that looked like half a mouse followed by two dashes. Two buzzing nosies went off <which I later learnt were the xrays> then both technicians came back in made sure I was still lined up and left the room again. Again more buzzing noises and the machine moved sideways. In came the technicians and told me I was doing great...ahhh I am just lying here.
On and off with the lights..yup still lined up...trust me I wasn't moving. Hell, I was barely breathing. They told me the radiation therapy would now begin and what felt like about a minute later I was being told to relax my arm and the table was being lowered. I was finished. It took about half an hour from start to finish but it felt like about 10 minutes. I got changed and went home and that was that. One down 24 more to go.
Day 2 was a little different. I had one of the same technicians and one new one <well..new to me>. I was told that every second day I would have this rubber pad placed on me as it brings the radiation closer to the surface. In order to keep the pad in place they used this advance technology...called masking tape to tape me down. I literally looked like I was in Gulliver's travels with long strips of masking tape from one side of me to the other. I joked that these pictures had better not show up on facebook....I am not sure they got the joke..I guess that is more of a day 10 joke.
It didn't feel any different and I was in and out in 20 minutes, but I realized that the wait time to get into this room could be long as they were a half hour behind schedule. The good part <if it can be called that> is that when you register it tells you how far behind each of the rooms are. Kind of like the wait times being posted a Disney..except the group of people is less and the lineup isn't as entertaining. A room filled with people in Johnny shirts..some of which need to be longer (much) and bigger is not something you want to see at anytime of the day.
I kept hearing people say they had one more treatment or were finished today ...sigh...but hey, I am at the point where I only have 21 more to go.
Monday, February 13, 2012
The war rages on
I have been finished my last chemo treatment for almost two weeks now. I continued with my "cocktail" of continuous drugs, massage and laying low; which worked and again I didn't have nearly as much discomfort as I did the first time on this drug. What I did have more this this time was complete exhaustion. I was so tired, but each time I went to lay down my brain started to get up and running, to the point where I was about ready to bang it against the headboard....shut up I need sleep!
The stupidest things would pop into my head; like, how many Spanish words do I know...let's just say you know it is going to be a short conversation when it starts with quesadilla. So I must admit that ativan and I have occasionally gotten acquainted as it doesn't put me to sleep, but it does make the gears in my brain turn off.
I did not come through this round unscathed. My skin is peeling off like a snakes second skin. I have a red spot where my vein is rejecting the drug, my right hand is swollen-but no more and no less than the past times...and I lost my taste for almost two weeks. For a girl who enjoys cooking and food this was the hardest part. Watermelon is my friend- going in anyways.
I have also noticed some odd things that I didn't before. My nails are extremely dry and actually have bands on them like tree growth. One band for each chemo round. I have also noticed that people notice me crying but didn't know that I had no eyelashes or eyebrows...good to have long wig bangs and wear glasses. Although right now my body is in a state or not knowing if chemo is coming again or not as my face has suddenly started to break out. Seriously...3 pimples in one day...my mouth is still splitting from dryness and I am still wondering if I will loose a couple toenails. But I guess if that is the worst I come out of this with, then I guess I am doing OK.
My energy level is up and I can walk more that to the fridge without getting winded. I try to get out for daily walks but the sometimes frigid weather makes me shrink back inside the house in hopes that Spring will suddenly appear...but one long look from my dog makes me bundle up like the abominal snowman and off I go.
So while the battle between the chemo drugs and my body rages on, I at least feel now like I am on the winning side and can see the end in sight...right before they burn me!
The stupidest things would pop into my head; like, how many Spanish words do I know...let's just say you know it is going to be a short conversation when it starts with quesadilla. So I must admit that ativan and I have occasionally gotten acquainted as it doesn't put me to sleep, but it does make the gears in my brain turn off.
I did not come through this round unscathed. My skin is peeling off like a snakes second skin. I have a red spot where my vein is rejecting the drug, my right hand is swollen-but no more and no less than the past times...and I lost my taste for almost two weeks. For a girl who enjoys cooking and food this was the hardest part. Watermelon is my friend- going in anyways.
I have also noticed some odd things that I didn't before. My nails are extremely dry and actually have bands on them like tree growth. One band for each chemo round. I have also noticed that people notice me crying but didn't know that I had no eyelashes or eyebrows...good to have long wig bangs and wear glasses. Although right now my body is in a state or not knowing if chemo is coming again or not as my face has suddenly started to break out. Seriously...3 pimples in one day...my mouth is still splitting from dryness and I am still wondering if I will loose a couple toenails. But I guess if that is the worst I come out of this with, then I guess I am doing OK.
My energy level is up and I can walk more that to the fridge without getting winded. I try to get out for daily walks but the sometimes frigid weather makes me shrink back inside the house in hopes that Spring will suddenly appear...but one long look from my dog makes me bundle up like the abominal snowman and off I go.
So while the battle between the chemo drugs and my body rages on, I at least feel now like I am on the winning side and can see the end in sight...right before they burn me!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Cry Me A River
It took me awhile to get over the whole hair loss thing but Molly <my wig> made it a much easier transition. I just wish they had a Molly for my eyes. I have lost most of my eyebrows, not that I had many to begin with and all but two of my eyelashes.
I have never had bushy eyebrows and my "bangs" are long so no one notices their absence. I have also been wearing my glasses all of the time instead of contacts so I thought I would be all good with no one really noticing the lack of eyelashes. This theory would work if I would stop crying.
I never really thought about the fact that your eyelashes block and dirt and debris from getting into your eyes, as it happens automatically. Plus I do not make it a habit of standing in wind storms, so I thought..I'm good. Little did I know that a change in temperature can cause a non-eyelashed eye to water.
Due to the fact that I have no eyelashes, the way my body has decided to cope, and flush things away is with tears. This really isn't a problem unless you are say...oh I don't know...out walking your dog and wind hits you. Which is pretty easy to do in January in WINTER. Every time I take the dog for a walk, I am sure my neighbours think I am a basket case <like they need another reason> as by the time I get back to the house, my nose is red from sniffing and tears are streaming down my face faster than I can wipe them away.
Today I was "visiting" at work and they were painting, my boss is just casually talking with me about his upcoming wedding when all of a sudden I got a whiff of the paint fumes and my eyes started to water. Not wanting to appear like a sap <or demented> I try to casually wipe the mound of water forming in my eyes away, well as I was doing this I must have had a little something on my finger; hence causing the mound of water to start streaming down my face. As anyone knows...if a man sees you crying, he will think of anything to get away....fast. I had to quickly explain..that it is because I don't have eyelashes! I am not sure if he believed me, but luckily I am not a sentimental person...so I think I am good as he did come back a while later and I kept it together.
I wish I could say that I have figured out a way to make this stop but I believe I will have to wait to grow a pair...of eyeslashes...come on April!
I have never had bushy eyebrows and my "bangs" are long so no one notices their absence. I have also been wearing my glasses all of the time instead of contacts so I thought I would be all good with no one really noticing the lack of eyelashes. This theory would work if I would stop crying.
I never really thought about the fact that your eyelashes block and dirt and debris from getting into your eyes, as it happens automatically. Plus I do not make it a habit of standing in wind storms, so I thought..I'm good. Little did I know that a change in temperature can cause a non-eyelashed eye to water.
Due to the fact that I have no eyelashes, the way my body has decided to cope, and flush things away is with tears. This really isn't a problem unless you are say...oh I don't know...out walking your dog and wind hits you. Which is pretty easy to do in January in WINTER. Every time I take the dog for a walk, I am sure my neighbours think I am a basket case <like they need another reason> as by the time I get back to the house, my nose is red from sniffing and tears are streaming down my face faster than I can wipe them away.
Today I was "visiting" at work and they were painting, my boss is just casually talking with me about his upcoming wedding when all of a sudden I got a whiff of the paint fumes and my eyes started to water. Not wanting to appear like a sap <or demented> I try to casually wipe the mound of water forming in my eyes away, well as I was doing this I must have had a little something on my finger; hence causing the mound of water to start streaming down my face. As anyone knows...if a man sees you crying, he will think of anything to get away....fast. I had to quickly explain..that it is because I don't have eyelashes! I am not sure if he believed me, but luckily I am not a sentimental person...so I think I am good as he did come back a while later and I kept it together.
I wish I could say that I have figured out a way to make this stop but I believe I will have to wait to grow a pair...of eyeslashes...come on April!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tattin' it up
So the first tattoo I ever had was two dots from my core biopsy; which they cut off. My second tattoo is four dots, about the size of a pen tip...sad I KNOW!
How did I get these four dots? Well these are my radiation markers to be used to line me up for the process..wish I could say I got them in a more exciting way..but ..sigh..not so much.
I was quite surprised that I got in to an appointment so soon after my first meeting with the radiation oncologist, but I figured they had a space and I was there to fill it. As per normal, I was slightly late for my appointment, as I spent about 10 minutes roaming around our lovely hospital parking lot with a bunch of other cars before I decided...screw this and found a spot on the street. My tardiness was ok as the doctors/therapists were running behind as well.
I registered at the desk and then waited...what?...it is the first place that I didn't have to take a number first. I sat in a room half filled with people in Johnny shirts and the other half must have been "supporters".
BUT...I did wait 20 minutes before my name was called, and sadly I was the first person to leave the room in that period. I thought, well they are just going to get me changed and then back out I will go...but I was incorrect and was lead to a room down the hallway by one of the therapists. Now I should point out this is a radiation therapist as opposed to one who you lay down on the couch for and tell them all your woes. These therapists lay you on a machine and zap you!
She explained the process which I was about to go through, told me about discounted parking and left the room while I got changed into a johnny shirt..actually 2 -one on with ties in the back and one with ties in the front..guess this department doesn't have robes. As I was finished changing in comes Dr R who is wondering how I am doing and if I have any questions. Nope, let's get this party started.
I am led across the hallway with all of my clothes bundled in my arms and wearing my johnny shirt, knee high socks and dress shoes...maybe I should have thought about this part when getting dressed this morning as this was not the fashion statement I was going for. In the room there are three people <women> all of whom are busy getting the cat scan machine ready for me. They ask me to lay down on the bed...ahh...I am holding a bunch of clothes, my jacket and my purse...oh yeah...just put those over there....I assumed she meant the ledge as opposed to a machine which looked semi important. Then I took off my shoes and laid on the bed.
They asked if I wanted a hot blanket as the room is freezing! Yes please for my legs. This is when Therapist A says..oh I should have told you that you could have left your pants on...NOW YOU TELL ME. I disrobe and take my arms out of the johnny shirt. All three survey the scar and decide how they are going to go about this. The oldest of the three states "When I used to do this we would mark it here" WAIT...what is that word "used to"? I got the impression really quickly that they are not used to seeing breast patients who have had lymph nodes removed as they debated quite some time over how to include that part of the scar. They made a plan of attack and measured me up, made some markings and placed on the wire tape <which had a series of triangle cutouts which looked like arrows>. They eyed up my one breast and "matched" it to the other side. Then outlined the scar...needless to say there was a lot of this tape on me. I looked like a package that said "This way up".
Dr. R came in to survey the outline and ended up ripping half of it off and making the area bigger...ahh...my original breast was not that big..but thanks?! They then attempted to align me...but it was easier when I just said "I'm not aligned...let me just move"..sometimes it is easier to just do it yourself. Then they pressed the magic button and sent me through the cat scan a couple of times. Once they were satisfied with the line up, they came out with transparencies. Two in fact, and drew the outline of the tape and the scar. Is is sad that your scar doesn't fit on one 8.5x11 sheet?
After they were satisfied with their "template" they took off the tape, injected me with a needle filled with ink in four spots and I was done. They left the big room and went into the little room while I got changed..and then came out and took my picture. Apparently I will get an ID tag to let the therapists know that they have the right person. Ok I am sure there are not lots of people out there willing to take my spot but do what you need to do. They told me that my radiation was scheduled to begin in three weeks...ahh ...issue. I still have one more chemo. "You do?" ...did I mention I am not feeling very confident right now? They went out of the room and came back...ok we've rescheduled you until Feb 23rd...that makes more sense.
So the bad news in all of this is that my second tattoo is four little dots and the good news is that I will be finished this phase two weeks earlier than anticipated. That I can handle!
How did I get these four dots? Well these are my radiation markers to be used to line me up for the process..wish I could say I got them in a more exciting way..but ..sigh..not so much.
I was quite surprised that I got in to an appointment so soon after my first meeting with the radiation oncologist, but I figured they had a space and I was there to fill it. As per normal, I was slightly late for my appointment, as I spent about 10 minutes roaming around our lovely hospital parking lot with a bunch of other cars before I decided...screw this and found a spot on the street. My tardiness was ok as the doctors/therapists were running behind as well.
I registered at the desk and then waited...what?...it is the first place that I didn't have to take a number first. I sat in a room half filled with people in Johnny shirts and the other half must have been "supporters".
BUT...I did wait 20 minutes before my name was called, and sadly I was the first person to leave the room in that period. I thought, well they are just going to get me changed and then back out I will go...but I was incorrect and was lead to a room down the hallway by one of the therapists. Now I should point out this is a radiation therapist as opposed to one who you lay down on the couch for and tell them all your woes. These therapists lay you on a machine and zap you!
She explained the process which I was about to go through, told me about discounted parking and left the room while I got changed into a johnny shirt..actually 2 -one on with ties in the back and one with ties in the front..guess this department doesn't have robes. As I was finished changing in comes Dr R who is wondering how I am doing and if I have any questions. Nope, let's get this party started.
I am led across the hallway with all of my clothes bundled in my arms and wearing my johnny shirt, knee high socks and dress shoes...maybe I should have thought about this part when getting dressed this morning as this was not the fashion statement I was going for. In the room there are three people <women> all of whom are busy getting the cat scan machine ready for me. They ask me to lay down on the bed...ahh...I am holding a bunch of clothes, my jacket and my purse...oh yeah...just put those over there....I assumed she meant the ledge as opposed to a machine which looked semi important. Then I took off my shoes and laid on the bed.
They asked if I wanted a hot blanket as the room is freezing! Yes please for my legs. This is when Therapist A says..oh I should have told you that you could have left your pants on...NOW YOU TELL ME. I disrobe and take my arms out of the johnny shirt. All three survey the scar and decide how they are going to go about this. The oldest of the three states "When I used to do this we would mark it here" WAIT...what is that word "used to"? I got the impression really quickly that they are not used to seeing breast patients who have had lymph nodes removed as they debated quite some time over how to include that part of the scar. They made a plan of attack and measured me up, made some markings and placed on the wire tape <which had a series of triangle cutouts which looked like arrows>. They eyed up my one breast and "matched" it to the other side. Then outlined the scar...needless to say there was a lot of this tape on me. I looked like a package that said "This way up".
Dr. R came in to survey the outline and ended up ripping half of it off and making the area bigger...ahh...my original breast was not that big..but thanks?! They then attempted to align me...but it was easier when I just said "I'm not aligned...let me just move"..sometimes it is easier to just do it yourself. Then they pressed the magic button and sent me through the cat scan a couple of times. Once they were satisfied with the line up, they came out with transparencies. Two in fact, and drew the outline of the tape and the scar. Is is sad that your scar doesn't fit on one 8.5x11 sheet?
After they were satisfied with their "template" they took off the tape, injected me with a needle filled with ink in four spots and I was done. They left the big room and went into the little room while I got changed..and then came out and took my picture. Apparently I will get an ID tag to let the therapists know that they have the right person. Ok I am sure there are not lots of people out there willing to take my spot but do what you need to do. They told me that my radiation was scheduled to begin in three weeks...ahh ...issue. I still have one more chemo. "You do?" ...did I mention I am not feeling very confident right now? They went out of the room and came back...ok we've rescheduled you until Feb 23rd...that makes more sense.
So the bad news in all of this is that my second tattoo is four little dots and the good news is that I will be finished this phase two weeks earlier than anticipated. That I can handle!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Holy Hot Flash Batman
I have always know what hot flashes were. As early as I can remember I can picture my mother standing outside in her nightgown in the middle of winter. Thinking my mother was fortunate to have periods where she was warm was apparently a grave misunderstanding on my part.
I am one of "those people" who in the middle of summer will have a blanket over me just to take the chill off; while others around me are in shorts and a tank top. So when I was told that a possible side effect was hot flashes I thought "bring them on"...finally I will be warm. What I was not anticipating was the degree in which they occur.
When you go to a Thai restaurant they forewarn you that dishes are one chili hot (mild) up to four chilies hot (bum burner)...well hot flashes kind of work the same way. Sometimes I just get a mild wave..just to warm you and other times I feel like I need to strip off and dance naked in the snow. I wonder what the neighbours would say?
I also wish there was a way to gauge when they came on and to what "chili" level they would be. I have discovered dressing in layers is probably the way to go and I am glad it is winter as the 4 chili ones would be brutal in the summer.
Here is my hot flash guide:
One Chili- This is just a mild wave of heat. It causes a slight perspiration line on the top of your lip and only warms your face. These tend to come in waves of three or four and are just enough to annoy you as opposed to warm you.
Two Chilies- I tend to get these after eating spicy food or while all bundled up waiting for my husband to still put on his shoes. Not only does the perspiration line occur but you feel like to want to lift your wig up a bit just to let some of the steam out. This one often causes sweat along your brow and lip line..sometimes extending to the back of your neck. These can be cooled down quickly with a couple of quick pulls to your shirt acting as a body fan or a cool cloth to the back of your neck.
Three Chilies- When I first started getting these it was usually the day or so after chemo but "oh lucky me" <sarcasm> kept having them. These usually occur when I am cuddled up with the hot water bottle, cat and dog in bed. This requires a quick pull down of the covers, flipping the cat off the bed and sending the dog into a barking fit. My face gets flushed as though I have drank one too many bottles of wine and my back is sweating. After flinging the hot water bottle off the bed and flapping the sheets like I am trying to take off, some relief of cool air usually sets in and all goes back to normal.
Four Chilies- This one is red hot and I feel sorry for anyone with in a 50' radius of me. These are brutal and I normally experience these day 3 and 4 after chemo and always in the middle of the night when I am/was sound asleep. This is full out war! To conquer this battle..flip all sheets off the bed...sorry to my poor husband..turn the ceiling fan onto high.
As you know animals usually sense a natural disaster and are gone way before the sheets go flying. Once Arctic temperatures are sufficiently felt, you realize you are soaked completely through your pajamas and then you begin to freeze. You cannot get the fan off and sheets up fast enough. You think about changing the wet pajamas but begin to shiver and try to curl into your husband to steal any heat that maybe remaining on him. Only he moves away as your are ice cold and wet and not to mention ...trying to sleep. You find the semi-warm hot water bottle and sheepishly look at your husband only to have him grab the bottle, grumble and go refresh it. This one takes a good half hour until the rest of the night to recover as does all things surrounding. The cat comes back after an hour or so but treads lightly...the dog decides that his bed is a safer, and a less disturbing option and the husband, as wonderful as he is...is probably thinking about the spare room bed.
I am one of "those people" who in the middle of summer will have a blanket over me just to take the chill off; while others around me are in shorts and a tank top. So when I was told that a possible side effect was hot flashes I thought "bring them on"...finally I will be warm. What I was not anticipating was the degree in which they occur.
When you go to a Thai restaurant they forewarn you that dishes are one chili hot (mild) up to four chilies hot (bum burner)...well hot flashes kind of work the same way. Sometimes I just get a mild wave..just to warm you and other times I feel like I need to strip off and dance naked in the snow. I wonder what the neighbours would say?
I also wish there was a way to gauge when they came on and to what "chili" level they would be. I have discovered dressing in layers is probably the way to go and I am glad it is winter as the 4 chili ones would be brutal in the summer.
Here is my hot flash guide:
One Chili- This is just a mild wave of heat. It causes a slight perspiration line on the top of your lip and only warms your face. These tend to come in waves of three or four and are just enough to annoy you as opposed to warm you.
Two Chilies- I tend to get these after eating spicy food or while all bundled up waiting for my husband to still put on his shoes. Not only does the perspiration line occur but you feel like to want to lift your wig up a bit just to let some of the steam out. This one often causes sweat along your brow and lip line..sometimes extending to the back of your neck. These can be cooled down quickly with a couple of quick pulls to your shirt acting as a body fan or a cool cloth to the back of your neck.
Three Chilies- When I first started getting these it was usually the day or so after chemo but "oh lucky me" <sarcasm> kept having them. These usually occur when I am cuddled up with the hot water bottle, cat and dog in bed. This requires a quick pull down of the covers, flipping the cat off the bed and sending the dog into a barking fit. My face gets flushed as though I have drank one too many bottles of wine and my back is sweating. After flinging the hot water bottle off the bed and flapping the sheets like I am trying to take off, some relief of cool air usually sets in and all goes back to normal.
Four Chilies- This one is red hot and I feel sorry for anyone with in a 50' radius of me. These are brutal and I normally experience these day 3 and 4 after chemo and always in the middle of the night when I am/was sound asleep. This is full out war! To conquer this battle..flip all sheets off the bed...sorry to my poor husband..turn the ceiling fan onto high.
As you know animals usually sense a natural disaster and are gone way before the sheets go flying. Once Arctic temperatures are sufficiently felt, you realize you are soaked completely through your pajamas and then you begin to freeze. You cannot get the fan off and sheets up fast enough. You think about changing the wet pajamas but begin to shiver and try to curl into your husband to steal any heat that maybe remaining on him. Only he moves away as your are ice cold and wet and not to mention ...trying to sleep. You find the semi-warm hot water bottle and sheepishly look at your husband only to have him grab the bottle, grumble and go refresh it. This one takes a good half hour until the rest of the night to recover as does all things surrounding. The cat comes back after an hour or so but treads lightly...the dog decides that his bed is a safer, and a less disturbing option and the husband, as wonderful as he is...is probably thinking about the spare room bed.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Beam me up
The next phase in this lovely process for me is radiation. I went to my consultation appointment with hopes of 3 weeks of radiation but in my mind, I knew that it was probably going to be 5 weeks. I was told to arrive at 10:15am but my appointment was at 10:45am and to expect to be in the appointment for an hour.
There were not may questions I had at this point as I have been thinking after surgery and chemo, radiation has to be the "easy part". After all, all I have to do is lay there, I can do that! So we showed up, grabbed a number, checked in and sat and waited...and waited...and waited. At about 10:45am we were called, again the first time meeting Nurse M and she makes me stand on a scale..seriously...these people are not going out for congeniality awards. She then escorts us to a room in some serious need of an update and asks about my current ailments. I am thinking how much time is this appointment?
I run through the latest issues I have has with this chemo, aching muscles <not joints>, loss of taste, diarrhea, peeling skin and swollen right hand, loss of most of my eyelashes and eyebrows....it's been a daily joy ride. Nurse M has a sense of humor <yeah> and we laugh the whole way through..really at this point it has become a daily laughter on what will happen tomorrow....
She says Dr R will be by in about 15 minutes...45 minutes later in walks Dr R. Who then asks if I have any immediate questions..nope...am I on any medication besides the chemo drugs..nope...ok exam time. Put the Johnny shirt on with ties to the back....everyone wants this thing on a different way.
He checks my neck, and I breathe in and out while he checks my lungs...then does and inspection of my scar as well as my left breast. He asks "are you having reconstruction?"...yes..."hmmm..that changes my approach" ...????
Apparently my wanting reconstruction means he will have to zap me with a lower dose over a longer period. I will have 25 rounds on my chest wall and 16 rounds on my lymphnodes above my chest wall. It will be sessions of 10mins over 5 weeks. This is a large commitment but it takes my risk of recurrence from 20% to 5% and I like those odds...95% of it never coming back sounds much better than 80%.
He seemed a little pensive and then said "You seem very relaxed". I am thinking...what is the appropriate response because I think "Hey man, I have found out I had cancer, had a breast taken off and am going through chemotherapy...I am thinking not much more can phase me"..but reply politely <how strange> with it is what it is....then he turns to B and asks him how he is doing..."fine, I see this stuff all the time in my profession".
On a side note, this doctor started several positive support groups and I think he was disappointed that we were not going to be his latest participants. Don't get me wrong, I think support groups are useful but there are times when I get tired of talking about myself <hard to believe> so the last thing I want to do is hear other stories...let me get through this and then maybe....
Dr R left after he said he would see me back in about a month for a run through and final consultation before the radiation began <4-5 weeks after my last chemo>.
Nurse M returned with a consent form for me to sign explaining that I was aware of the side effects..
-Scarring on the lung <permanent>
-Sun burn <temporary>
-Aching of ribs <temporary>
-Fatigue <temporary>
She handed me some reading material and we were off. I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did in the actual appointment but I think this is how my radiation is going to go as well.
There were not may questions I had at this point as I have been thinking after surgery and chemo, radiation has to be the "easy part". After all, all I have to do is lay there, I can do that! So we showed up, grabbed a number, checked in and sat and waited...and waited...and waited. At about 10:45am we were called, again the first time meeting Nurse M and she makes me stand on a scale..seriously...these people are not going out for congeniality awards. She then escorts us to a room in some serious need of an update and asks about my current ailments. I am thinking how much time is this appointment?
I run through the latest issues I have has with this chemo, aching muscles <not joints>, loss of taste, diarrhea, peeling skin and swollen right hand, loss of most of my eyelashes and eyebrows....it's been a daily joy ride. Nurse M has a sense of humor <yeah> and we laugh the whole way through..really at this point it has become a daily laughter on what will happen tomorrow....
She says Dr R will be by in about 15 minutes...45 minutes later in walks Dr R. Who then asks if I have any immediate questions..nope...am I on any medication besides the chemo drugs..nope...ok exam time. Put the Johnny shirt on with ties to the back....everyone wants this thing on a different way.
He checks my neck, and I breathe in and out while he checks my lungs...then does and inspection of my scar as well as my left breast. He asks "are you having reconstruction?"...yes..."hmmm..that changes my approach" ...????
Apparently my wanting reconstruction means he will have to zap me with a lower dose over a longer period. I will have 25 rounds on my chest wall and 16 rounds on my lymphnodes above my chest wall. It will be sessions of 10mins over 5 weeks. This is a large commitment but it takes my risk of recurrence from 20% to 5% and I like those odds...95% of it never coming back sounds much better than 80%.
He seemed a little pensive and then said "You seem very relaxed". I am thinking...what is the appropriate response because I think "Hey man, I have found out I had cancer, had a breast taken off and am going through chemotherapy...I am thinking not much more can phase me"..but reply politely <how strange> with it is what it is....then he turns to B and asks him how he is doing..."fine, I see this stuff all the time in my profession".
On a side note, this doctor started several positive support groups and I think he was disappointed that we were not going to be his latest participants. Don't get me wrong, I think support groups are useful but there are times when I get tired of talking about myself <hard to believe> so the last thing I want to do is hear other stories...let me get through this and then maybe....
Dr R left after he said he would see me back in about a month for a run through and final consultation before the radiation began <4-5 weeks after my last chemo>.
Nurse M returned with a consent form for me to sign explaining that I was aware of the side effects..
-Scarring on the lung <permanent>
-Sun burn <temporary>
-Aching of ribs <temporary>
-Fatigue <temporary>
She handed me some reading material and we were off. I spent more time waiting for something to happen than I did in the actual appointment but I think this is how my radiation is going to go as well.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Thunder Rolls
My family has never shied away from any conversation, least of all the topic of poop. It never seems to fail that at every dinner someone brings up the topic of poop in some manner. Just once I wish this wasn't the case but I can't control it...which leads me to today's blog.
During this time I felt like my bowels were being controlled by someone else. I was beginning to think an army had taken over my internal workings and were directing the flow. There must have been a renegade General in there as he was pushing everything through..I could just imagine him yelling "Everybody out..move it move it"...'cause that is what was going on. Literally. I would eat and then that was it...to the bathroom I would run. As for the drug running through my system I am sure the General had the lower ranks scrubbing every part of me as half my face was numb. From below my right eye to the bottom of my chin had no feeling. I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen which I wish were from too many sit ups but sooooo not the case.
To add insult to injury I developed a red irritation on a 2" spot on my right hand and a couple of spots on my left which had small blisters on them. My right hand was swollen so I took a couple of ibuprofen to try to get the swelling down and watched as the skin dried out and began to peel...did I mention my face beginning to peel?
After a couple of days my taste buds started to return as I was getting pretty tired of grapes, smoothies, watermelon and tomatoes...but at least I could taste those. It felt like I had pieces of oatmeal in my mouth which I can only imagine were pieces of skin cells sloughing off...yeah me!
The bright side? If I must come up with something I guess I can look at the skin peeling as exfoliation and the fact that I could taste some things was better than not tasting anything. Plus I was able to get in for several massages and have already booked some for after the next chemo....but really....I would rather wallow in my own self pity, bitch about the "guess what happened today" and crawl under the covers and not come out until mid February when this chemo shit <see there I go talking about it> is over...come on February!
During this time I felt like my bowels were being controlled by someone else. I was beginning to think an army had taken over my internal workings and were directing the flow. There must have been a renegade General in there as he was pushing everything through..I could just imagine him yelling "Everybody out..move it move it"...'cause that is what was going on. Literally. I would eat and then that was it...to the bathroom I would run. As for the drug running through my system I am sure the General had the lower ranks scrubbing every part of me as half my face was numb. From below my right eye to the bottom of my chin had no feeling. I had sharp pains in my lower abdomen which I wish were from too many sit ups but sooooo not the case.
To add insult to injury I developed a red irritation on a 2" spot on my right hand and a couple of spots on my left which had small blisters on them. My right hand was swollen so I took a couple of ibuprofen to try to get the swelling down and watched as the skin dried out and began to peel...did I mention my face beginning to peel?
After a couple of days my taste buds started to return as I was getting pretty tired of grapes, smoothies, watermelon and tomatoes...but at least I could taste those. It felt like I had pieces of oatmeal in my mouth which I can only imagine were pieces of skin cells sloughing off...yeah me!
The bright side? If I must come up with something I guess I can look at the skin peeling as exfoliation and the fact that I could taste some things was better than not tasting anything. Plus I was able to get in for several massages and have already booked some for after the next chemo....but really....I would rather wallow in my own self pity, bitch about the "guess what happened today" and crawl under the covers and not come out until mid February when this chemo shit <see there I go talking about it> is over...come on February!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
D is for DAMN!
Docetaxel is my latest drug in the cocktail elixir of round 4. It is the only drip for the next three rounds. I had been prepared for the many side effects of this one but thought I would hold off judgement as I had gone through the first ones without many side effects. Chemo takes place on a Wednesday and then within 24-36 hours after the fact I was to get an injection of Neulasta. It is meant to help increase your immune system but can also cause muscle and joint pain.
So in I go for chemo with my "tree root" vein which they are unable to use. They heat up my hand with a warm blanket and then go searching for another vein source. Nurse K thinks she has one, but doesn't get in...then tries again on the underside of my arm...ok THAT hurts...but does not succeed. She calls over Nurse W <as they only poke you 2x before getting someone else...they are kind like that>. Nurse W searches all over, heats me up again and then goes in...nope...sigh..but the 4th time is a charm and we're off. Sometimes this drug can cause an allergic reaction when then inject it so they sit with you for a bit to ensure everything is all good. And for once I am doing well..no coughing fits, no numbness in fingers and toes all good. I sit quietly observing all around me while my husband is up observing a gentlemen next to us get injected through a port. Sick husband!
After an hour they do the flush and off I go. Well that was nothing! The next morning I wake up a little tired but I am pleased that I am not hitting the 1/2 hour wall like the first three rounds. I am a bit tired but I can push through this one. Then comes the injection, you have the option of having VON come into do this but my husband is a trained professional so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him inject me. I have never used any type of illegal drug in my life and now I am being injected with a $2000 legal drug...kind of seems off..maybe I should have tried some cheaper stuff first..but I am a girl with expensive taste. The needle was like a skin scratch and I felt some fluid move but within a minute you would never have known it was done. <Injected into my side stomach...lots of fat layers to hide the pain> Unlike my arm, which now looked like a pin cushion full of bruises and injection sites. Good job hunny!
I did start taking the ibuprofen and got the prescription done up for the Tylenol 3s but wasn't sure I needed them as this chemo seemed to be going well. Then I woke up the next morning and felt like I was getting the flu. Every muscle in my body felt like it was seizing and it felt like my cough was coming back. Although it was hard to tell as the acid reflux came back with a vengeance during the night and felt like it had burned my throat. Maybe I was getting the flu...I took a shower and massaged my muscles and felt good..I then got out of the shower and all things seized again..oh..ooh..did I mention this was Christmas Eve.
I went out and did some errands which turned out to be faster than anticipated, given the day, and came home. I started feeling really tired and decided to lay down..the only problem with this was that everywhere ached, so after an hour of fighting with positions I got up, took a bath and wrapped some presents. I tried to have a drink but it burnt my throat even more and I just gave up. Damn it ...it was Christmas and I was going to suck it up. We went out a friends house but after an hour of trying to move around to get comfortable and drinking water I thought..maybe we should go home...I walked through the door and went to bed with a hot water bottle. Not that this did any good as I flip flopped the whole night trying to find one place that was comfortable, only to discover there were none to be found. Although my husband did roll over to me and said..I'm a little cold...do you think you could have a hot flash right about now...seriously? Do you want the Christmas tree shoved up your ass? Actually I was a little chilled too but did not wish for the hot flashes.
The next day between the pill popping, a couple of baths massaging the pain, the acid reflux continuation and the hot flashes I was thinking MERRY F%^KING CHRISTMAS! I did manage to move around the house as small step walking seem to help..avoid stairs though..they hurt...got dressed..occasionally found myself staring at walls ...I made it to Christmas dinner. I was lucky as I only had to show up...not that I was much fun...two large hot flashes and tunnel vision later, my taste bud seem to have gone out of whack as well...I was only too happy to get home to bed....I think I got about an hours sleep as I had constant hot flashes that lasted almost 3 hours.
At one point I thought I should take my temperature but decided that would not get an accurate reading..then I thought..should I go to emergency as this is cannot be normal...but did I ...no...I laid there soaking through my pajamas, occasionally getting up to walk around but got cold...and went back to bed. The next two days I laid as low as I could. I was ready to have a full mental breakdown but kept thinking..this has to change at some point right? It can't last for three weeks..can it? I was due to go to a family function but decided this was not my best decision and family understands.
Also on day 5-6 my taste buds flared up to 3x their normal size and everything I ate had no flavour and tasted like sawdust...oh did I mention the insane diarrhea..yup...keeps getting better and better. I am one attractive lady!
On day 6 I decided I should get a massage. Someone rubbing me with heat and oil for an hour was a good thing. I was lucky to get in on such short notice and I took it as a good sign. The moment I got on the table and the large heating pad was put on was the first moment of relief I felt in 6 days. I have not gone for a massage since before my surgery as I wasn't sure how to approach the situation, but being in constant pain for 6 days makes you get over any inhibitions or embarrassment you have. I just flat out told L that I was going to take off my wig, I am in chemo, I only have one breast and please help me. L was great and she wasn't phased at all. She got the extra big heating pad, extra pillows to help prop me up so I laid flat and we laughed and giggled for an hour about our crazy dog stories. <She wins those ones>, Afterwards I got up and for the first time in many days I walked without pain. Why had I waited so long? How long will this last? When is the next available appointment?
And the good news is that I have found McDonald's banana-strawberry fruit smoothies are a relief to my mouth. I don't care if they have sugar in them...being able to "eat" something with flavour overrides this. I will try to make another massage appointment with in the next two days as L is booked, need to buy smoothie supplies...oh and did I mention that a hemroid has decided to flare up and the sides of my mouth have cracked...fun times....I think I should buy a pharamcy as I seem to be there often enough!
So in I go for chemo with my "tree root" vein which they are unable to use. They heat up my hand with a warm blanket and then go searching for another vein source. Nurse K thinks she has one, but doesn't get in...then tries again on the underside of my arm...ok THAT hurts...but does not succeed. She calls over Nurse W <as they only poke you 2x before getting someone else...they are kind like that>. Nurse W searches all over, heats me up again and then goes in...nope...sigh..but the 4th time is a charm and we're off. Sometimes this drug can cause an allergic reaction when then inject it so they sit with you for a bit to ensure everything is all good. And for once I am doing well..no coughing fits, no numbness in fingers and toes all good. I sit quietly observing all around me while my husband is up observing a gentlemen next to us get injected through a port. Sick husband!
After an hour they do the flush and off I go. Well that was nothing! The next morning I wake up a little tired but I am pleased that I am not hitting the 1/2 hour wall like the first three rounds. I am a bit tired but I can push through this one. Then comes the injection, you have the option of having VON come into do this but my husband is a trained professional so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and let him inject me. I have never used any type of illegal drug in my life and now I am being injected with a $2000 legal drug...kind of seems off..maybe I should have tried some cheaper stuff first..but I am a girl with expensive taste. The needle was like a skin scratch and I felt some fluid move but within a minute you would never have known it was done. <Injected into my side stomach...lots of fat layers to hide the pain> Unlike my arm, which now looked like a pin cushion full of bruises and injection sites. Good job hunny!
I did start taking the ibuprofen and got the prescription done up for the Tylenol 3s but wasn't sure I needed them as this chemo seemed to be going well. Then I woke up the next morning and felt like I was getting the flu. Every muscle in my body felt like it was seizing and it felt like my cough was coming back. Although it was hard to tell as the acid reflux came back with a vengeance during the night and felt like it had burned my throat. Maybe I was getting the flu...I took a shower and massaged my muscles and felt good..I then got out of the shower and all things seized again..oh..ooh..did I mention this was Christmas Eve.
I went out and did some errands which turned out to be faster than anticipated, given the day, and came home. I started feeling really tired and decided to lay down..the only problem with this was that everywhere ached, so after an hour of fighting with positions I got up, took a bath and wrapped some presents. I tried to have a drink but it burnt my throat even more and I just gave up. Damn it ...it was Christmas and I was going to suck it up. We went out a friends house but after an hour of trying to move around to get comfortable and drinking water I thought..maybe we should go home...I walked through the door and went to bed with a hot water bottle. Not that this did any good as I flip flopped the whole night trying to find one place that was comfortable, only to discover there were none to be found. Although my husband did roll over to me and said..I'm a little cold...do you think you could have a hot flash right about now...seriously? Do you want the Christmas tree shoved up your ass? Actually I was a little chilled too but did not wish for the hot flashes.
The next day between the pill popping, a couple of baths massaging the pain, the acid reflux continuation and the hot flashes I was thinking MERRY F%^KING CHRISTMAS! I did manage to move around the house as small step walking seem to help..avoid stairs though..they hurt...got dressed..occasionally found myself staring at walls ...I made it to Christmas dinner. I was lucky as I only had to show up...not that I was much fun...two large hot flashes and tunnel vision later, my taste bud seem to have gone out of whack as well...I was only too happy to get home to bed....I think I got about an hours sleep as I had constant hot flashes that lasted almost 3 hours.
At one point I thought I should take my temperature but decided that would not get an accurate reading..then I thought..should I go to emergency as this is cannot be normal...but did I ...no...I laid there soaking through my pajamas, occasionally getting up to walk around but got cold...and went back to bed. The next two days I laid as low as I could. I was ready to have a full mental breakdown but kept thinking..this has to change at some point right? It can't last for three weeks..can it? I was due to go to a family function but decided this was not my best decision and family understands.
Also on day 5-6 my taste buds flared up to 3x their normal size and everything I ate had no flavour and tasted like sawdust...oh did I mention the insane diarrhea..yup...keeps getting better and better. I am one attractive lady!
On day 6 I decided I should get a massage. Someone rubbing me with heat and oil for an hour was a good thing. I was lucky to get in on such short notice and I took it as a good sign. The moment I got on the table and the large heating pad was put on was the first moment of relief I felt in 6 days. I have not gone for a massage since before my surgery as I wasn't sure how to approach the situation, but being in constant pain for 6 days makes you get over any inhibitions or embarrassment you have. I just flat out told L that I was going to take off my wig, I am in chemo, I only have one breast and please help me. L was great and she wasn't phased at all. She got the extra big heating pad, extra pillows to help prop me up so I laid flat and we laughed and giggled for an hour about our crazy dog stories. <She wins those ones>, Afterwards I got up and for the first time in many days I walked without pain. Why had I waited so long? How long will this last? When is the next available appointment?
And the good news is that I have found McDonald's banana-strawberry fruit smoothies are a relief to my mouth. I don't care if they have sugar in them...being able to "eat" something with flavour overrides this. I will try to make another massage appointment with in the next two days as L is booked, need to buy smoothie supplies...oh and did I mention that a hemroid has decided to flare up and the sides of my mouth have cracked...fun times....I think I should buy a pharamcy as I seem to be there often enough!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Look Good Feel Good
There is a program at my local hospital <check yours as they seem to be everywhere> called the Look Good, Feel Good Program. This program teaches skin care and makeup for women <or I suppose some men out there> going through cancer. As one of the wonderful <sarcasm alert> things that the chemo drugs do to you is dry out your skin. At times I can put on what feels like 10 lbs of cream and 2 seconds later it looks like I haven't put any on.
I booked this appointment weeks in advance - it books quickly- as I felt that I should wait until I had a couple rounds of chemo under my belt so I looked more "cancerish". I arrived a couple minutes early but found out quickly that I was the last to arrive...anyone who knows me, knows this is normal for me. I was quickly ushered to a seat and the next thing I know a box of items is being unloaded in front of me. It seems like the never ending box of all new and well known products. All products in the box are based upon skin tone and all alcohol free..good for dry skin.
The class lasted for about 2 hours and we started by all taking off our makeup. Any woman knows that this has to be a very secure environment to bare it all in front of 9 other strangers. I wasn't sure what to expect from this class as I didn't know anyone who had gone to it, but I do recommend it. Did they teach me anything I didn't know...not really but the product I scored was unreal.
In the box:
- 2 skin toners
- 1 box of makeup remover wipes
- 1 face cream
- 1 sunscreen
- 1 under eye toner
- 2 hand/body creams
- 1 foundation press powder
- 2 liquid foundations
- 1 eyeliner
- 1 eye shadow compact <4 colours>
- 1 blush
- 1 mascara
- 1 brow pencil
- 1 lip liner
- 3 lipsticks
- 1 lip gloss
- 1 lip conditioner
I felt like Christmas came early and while in the end I may not use all of the products given I did look good and feel great when I left there. After a while the group loosened up and shared stories but this soon lead to the "great wig debate". Apparently, most women prefer scarves to wigs and our group was all about the wigs. I like taking the path less traveled..the scenery is always better.
It was fun to see a variety of wigs and these too are available to borrow for FREE...my favorite word..free. It was also great to see a group of women from a variety of backgrounds, ethnicity's, stages of cancer and ages all come together and laugh about something none of us have any control over. It made me realize how many of us there are out there and how thankful I am to have the hospital I go to in my area. A big shout out here to all of the volunteers who make this process a little easier.
I booked this appointment weeks in advance - it books quickly- as I felt that I should wait until I had a couple rounds of chemo under my belt so I looked more "cancerish". I arrived a couple minutes early but found out quickly that I was the last to arrive...anyone who knows me, knows this is normal for me. I was quickly ushered to a seat and the next thing I know a box of items is being unloaded in front of me. It seems like the never ending box of all new and well known products. All products in the box are based upon skin tone and all alcohol free..good for dry skin.
The class lasted for about 2 hours and we started by all taking off our makeup. Any woman knows that this has to be a very secure environment to bare it all in front of 9 other strangers. I wasn't sure what to expect from this class as I didn't know anyone who had gone to it, but I do recommend it. Did they teach me anything I didn't know...not really but the product I scored was unreal.
In the box:
- 2 skin toners
- 1 box of makeup remover wipes
- 1 face cream
- 1 sunscreen
- 1 under eye toner
- 2 hand/body creams
- 1 foundation press powder
- 2 liquid foundations
- 1 eyeliner
- 1 eye shadow compact <4 colours>
- 1 blush
- 1 mascara
- 1 brow pencil
- 1 lip liner
- 3 lipsticks
- 1 lip gloss
- 1 lip conditioner
I felt like Christmas came early and while in the end I may not use all of the products given I did look good and feel great when I left there. After a while the group loosened up and shared stories but this soon lead to the "great wig debate". Apparently, most women prefer scarves to wigs and our group was all about the wigs. I like taking the path less traveled..the scenery is always better.
It was fun to see a variety of wigs and these too are available to borrow for FREE...my favorite word..free. It was also great to see a group of women from a variety of backgrounds, ethnicity's, stages of cancer and ages all come together and laugh about something none of us have any control over. It made me realize how many of us there are out there and how thankful I am to have the hospital I go to in my area. A big shout out here to all of the volunteers who make this process a little easier.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
EI..EI..Ohh
I am not sure how other people do it but this whole EI thing is crazy!
My office does not have short term disability and since it was highly recommended <and enforced by my oncologist and surgeon> to not work during the chemo and radiation process, I agreed to take the time off. To be honest, my surgeon was willing to sign me off after my surgery. But let's face it, I am not a good stay at home person so the 6 months I was taking off would be more than enough for me.
So I worked up until my first day of chemo which happen to fall on a Wednesday. So on Wednesday morning I filed my EI report and dropped off the necessary paperwork to a local office. I was told with an illness/injury claim the waiting period was 28 days. 28 DAYS! I at least knew my last day for awhile and had time to prepare/save..but if you injure yourself tomorrow and live pay cheque to pay cheque what then?
I was also told that the benefits would only last for 15 weeks..so me taking 6 months didn't exactly add up. My work does have long term disability but I figured that the difference in the time between EI ending and me going back to work wasn't worth the hassle of applying for it. Apparently <only from what I hear> that insurance for LT disability is not easy to get and takes several months of "fighting" to prove you are sick. At this time I think of people with terminal cancer or people with families and think ...Yikes what resources do they have! This could financially ruin people.
My work insurance does have a critical illness clause which I didn't know about until they told me. It is a percentage of your salary that you get as a one time payment. The process does not begin until 90 days after your diagnosis and will not be paid out until after your EI claim ends but it is nice to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am also thankful that I am on B's medical insurance. While my medications are not obscene (about $100-$150 per month) I am glad that I only have to pay the filling fee, as this is an expense which I do not need to pay while I am in the "waiting period" of EI.
So I waited about 3 weeks and received my password to login and file a report online. I did this honestly and told them that while my employer put down that my last day worked was the 18th they paid me for the additional three days in the pay period. After I spent the next 20 minutes filling out the initial report it kicked me out and told me my report was not complete and to call a 1-800 number. When I did I was "helped" by a very rude person with no common sense. < I would have peed in his cornflakes too!>
First he told me that my first problem was that I worked 2 days and I need to have 5 consecutive days where I am sick. So I asked "Are you telling me I need to be sick on a Friday as opposed to a Tuesday?" This made no sense to me...and he replied yes??? First scolding for actually working as I should have played hooky. He also told me that I would need to have my ROE adjusted as my work put down my last day for which I was paid was incorrect. I asked if he could adjust this on his end as it was noted in the boxes below that they had paid me for a full week but had made a slight error in one box. His question was "Why would your employer pay you for a full week when you only worked two days"..which I responded "because they are nice and care about me". Apparently, to him this was in the realm of nonexistent. He wanted me to call and ask my employer if they had indeed paid me for a full week...URGH why would I lie?? I hung up the phone fuming.
I waited 5 minutes and called back. Luckily I got someone who was VERY helpful and just moved my start date back a couple of days and common sense actually did not elude him. He made a couple of quick adjustments to my claim and I had to go back in the following week to complete a one week report but all was good. So all I had to do now was sit and wait another 3 weeks to be paid. This is where our system is messed up. If you are legit sick you get 15 weeks but if you don't feel like working after you have been laid off you can take your full 52 weeks...what am I missing here? Apparently sanity.
My office does not have short term disability and since it was highly recommended <and enforced by my oncologist and surgeon> to not work during the chemo and radiation process, I agreed to take the time off. To be honest, my surgeon was willing to sign me off after my surgery. But let's face it, I am not a good stay at home person so the 6 months I was taking off would be more than enough for me.
So I worked up until my first day of chemo which happen to fall on a Wednesday. So on Wednesday morning I filed my EI report and dropped off the necessary paperwork to a local office. I was told with an illness/injury claim the waiting period was 28 days. 28 DAYS! I at least knew my last day for awhile and had time to prepare/save..but if you injure yourself tomorrow and live pay cheque to pay cheque what then?
I was also told that the benefits would only last for 15 weeks..so me taking 6 months didn't exactly add up. My work does have long term disability but I figured that the difference in the time between EI ending and me going back to work wasn't worth the hassle of applying for it. Apparently <only from what I hear> that insurance for LT disability is not easy to get and takes several months of "fighting" to prove you are sick. At this time I think of people with terminal cancer or people with families and think ...Yikes what resources do they have! This could financially ruin people.
My work insurance does have a critical illness clause which I didn't know about until they told me. It is a percentage of your salary that you get as a one time payment. The process does not begin until 90 days after your diagnosis and will not be paid out until after your EI claim ends but it is nice to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am also thankful that I am on B's medical insurance. While my medications are not obscene (about $100-$150 per month) I am glad that I only have to pay the filling fee, as this is an expense which I do not need to pay while I am in the "waiting period" of EI.
So I waited about 3 weeks and received my password to login and file a report online. I did this honestly and told them that while my employer put down that my last day worked was the 18th they paid me for the additional three days in the pay period. After I spent the next 20 minutes filling out the initial report it kicked me out and told me my report was not complete and to call a 1-800 number. When I did I was "helped" by a very rude person with no common sense. < I would have peed in his cornflakes too!>
First he told me that my first problem was that I worked 2 days and I need to have 5 consecutive days where I am sick. So I asked "Are you telling me I need to be sick on a Friday as opposed to a Tuesday?" This made no sense to me...and he replied yes??? First scolding for actually working as I should have played hooky. He also told me that I would need to have my ROE adjusted as my work put down my last day for which I was paid was incorrect. I asked if he could adjust this on his end as it was noted in the boxes below that they had paid me for a full week but had made a slight error in one box. His question was "Why would your employer pay you for a full week when you only worked two days"..which I responded "because they are nice and care about me". Apparently, to him this was in the realm of nonexistent. He wanted me to call and ask my employer if they had indeed paid me for a full week...URGH why would I lie?? I hung up the phone fuming.
I waited 5 minutes and called back. Luckily I got someone who was VERY helpful and just moved my start date back a couple of days and common sense actually did not elude him. He made a couple of quick adjustments to my claim and I had to go back in the following week to complete a one week report but all was good. So all I had to do now was sit and wait another 3 weeks to be paid. This is where our system is messed up. If you are legit sick you get 15 weeks but if you don't feel like working after you have been laid off you can take your full 52 weeks...what am I missing here? Apparently sanity.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Wigging Out
The loss of my hair has not only been emotionally painful but physically as well. I knew the day was inevitable but still shed many tears over what I would look like bald. Each day after chemo I pulled my fingers through my hair to see if today was the day. I was always overwhelmed with relief when I realized I was "safe" for another day.
I think <no expert here> that the hair loss portion of chemotherapy is more traumatic for women than men. Women make a ritual out of their hair and I am no exception. I love going to my hairdresser, curling up reading magazines by the fire in the winter with the best hot chocolate and a glass of wine in the summer. L and I would laugh and giggle for the whole two hours. When it came time for what both of us assumed would be my last appointment for awhile we were an emotional wreck. We even started with a glass of wine to get our emotions under control. I had decided to cut my hair short in anticipation of my future. My hair had not been long in a long time but I went from shoulder length to a pixie cut. I did love my new do but it was a constant reminder of what was to come.
After my first round of chemo I went to a wig consultant as I had heard it could take 7-10 days to get one in and you lose your hair approx 14 days after chemo so there was no time to waste. I called around and discovered there was a huge difference in what services were provided with the wig as well as the price. I choose a place that was more expensive but it offered a full consultation, the wig, stand, shampoo and conditioner and styling.
Now the real vs synthetic. I opted for synthetic only due to cost. I could not justify $1000-2000 for a real hair wig which I was hoping to have for only 6 months. There are different types of caps and this is where the wigs are separated, get what is most comfortable and you feel will not come off. I went for the "Cadillac" version of the cap. It is full mesh cap with rubber pads and tightens in the back. It fit my head and there was no chance that thing was coming off. Overall choosing a wig is pretty basic. Pick the cap, pick the length and pick the colour. Hence the reason choosing someone who can style it makes all the difference.
The chemo school did forewarn me that when hair loss was about to occur it would feel like a too tight pony tail. What they didn't tell me is that it would feel like 500 too tight pony tails. On day 10 after chemo my head was really sensitive to the point where it hurt to wash it. Laying my head on a pillow was by no means soothing and I was thinking at this point a geisha pillow would come in handy.
I think this is your body's way of coming to terms with hair loss. By day 12, I was thinking we were going to need new plumbing. My hair, even as short as it was, was coming out in droves. Everywhere I looked there was hair on the floor around me. I took the dog for a walk and there were streams of hair coming out from my head. So much so that I checked my head a lot during this time to ensure no bald spots were occurring.
I called D to find out where my wig was and made an appointment for day 14. I have always had fine hair but a ton of it. You have over 100,000 hairs on your head and I was losing about 10 at a time. If I ran my fingers through my hair it looked like I had cut a chunk out. I figured at this rate I would be bald by day 14.
On day 13 I did not run my fingers through my hair as I was in conserve my hair mode. I didn't go anywhere but I did wash it but admittedly did not brush it. I started to, but I was brushing out more hair than I think was on my head. I then decided I was ready for my hair to be gone. I had come to terms with it and knew that <unfortunately> thousands of other woman had been in this same place before me.
Now I might talk the talk, but getting in the car to go to my wig appointment was a whole other ballgame. It was like going to meet my maker and the 50 steps from the car to the front door took many long deep breaths. B had come with me and I had already decided he would be the first to see my head shaved. I couldn't see it happen. D was awesome and when I told her I couldn't watch she understood.
She spun me around and began cutting <she cuts your hair to 1/8" long as the wig and a newly bald head would be too sensitive together>. She even took the effort to move any cut hair away from falling on the cape. When she was done B looked at me and said...you have good shaped head. D massaged my head with a tingly product which felt great and soothing. It was the least painful my head had been in days. It was a relief.
She left the room and B said..it doesn't look bad. I turned my head slightly to the mirror and did a quick peek...was he crazy! Quick, turn my head back. Won't be doing that again for awhile. Bravery is not my forte.
Once the wig was on D spun me back..well that looked pretty good. She parted it, shaped and styled it. Wow this thing actually looks like hair!
That night I took off "Molly" and stared in the mirror. I was more than hair. I had gone through so much in a short period of time and come through it in what I term as easily. This was one more hurdle that I had crossed over. It was <in my mind> the high jump of hurdles. From now on I am on the healing side of this crazy cancer thing. Now quick put a hat on because my head is freezing!
I think <no expert here> that the hair loss portion of chemotherapy is more traumatic for women than men. Women make a ritual out of their hair and I am no exception. I love going to my hairdresser, curling up reading magazines by the fire in the winter with the best hot chocolate and a glass of wine in the summer. L and I would laugh and giggle for the whole two hours. When it came time for what both of us assumed would be my last appointment for awhile we were an emotional wreck. We even started with a glass of wine to get our emotions under control. I had decided to cut my hair short in anticipation of my future. My hair had not been long in a long time but I went from shoulder length to a pixie cut. I did love my new do but it was a constant reminder of what was to come.
After my first round of chemo I went to a wig consultant as I had heard it could take 7-10 days to get one in and you lose your hair approx 14 days after chemo so there was no time to waste. I called around and discovered there was a huge difference in what services were provided with the wig as well as the price. I choose a place that was more expensive but it offered a full consultation, the wig, stand, shampoo and conditioner and styling.
Now the real vs synthetic. I opted for synthetic only due to cost. I could not justify $1000-2000 for a real hair wig which I was hoping to have for only 6 months. There are different types of caps and this is where the wigs are separated, get what is most comfortable and you feel will not come off. I went for the "Cadillac" version of the cap. It is full mesh cap with rubber pads and tightens in the back. It fit my head and there was no chance that thing was coming off. Overall choosing a wig is pretty basic. Pick the cap, pick the length and pick the colour. Hence the reason choosing someone who can style it makes all the difference.
The chemo school did forewarn me that when hair loss was about to occur it would feel like a too tight pony tail. What they didn't tell me is that it would feel like 500 too tight pony tails. On day 10 after chemo my head was really sensitive to the point where it hurt to wash it. Laying my head on a pillow was by no means soothing and I was thinking at this point a geisha pillow would come in handy.
I think this is your body's way of coming to terms with hair loss. By day 12, I was thinking we were going to need new plumbing. My hair, even as short as it was, was coming out in droves. Everywhere I looked there was hair on the floor around me. I took the dog for a walk and there were streams of hair coming out from my head. So much so that I checked my head a lot during this time to ensure no bald spots were occurring.
I called D to find out where my wig was and made an appointment for day 14. I have always had fine hair but a ton of it. You have over 100,000 hairs on your head and I was losing about 10 at a time. If I ran my fingers through my hair it looked like I had cut a chunk out. I figured at this rate I would be bald by day 14.
On day 13 I did not run my fingers through my hair as I was in conserve my hair mode. I didn't go anywhere but I did wash it but admittedly did not brush it. I started to, but I was brushing out more hair than I think was on my head. I then decided I was ready for my hair to be gone. I had come to terms with it and knew that <unfortunately> thousands of other woman had been in this same place before me.
Now I might talk the talk, but getting in the car to go to my wig appointment was a whole other ballgame. It was like going to meet my maker and the 50 steps from the car to the front door took many long deep breaths. B had come with me and I had already decided he would be the first to see my head shaved. I couldn't see it happen. D was awesome and when I told her I couldn't watch she understood.
She spun me around and began cutting <she cuts your hair to 1/8" long as the wig and a newly bald head would be too sensitive together>. She even took the effort to move any cut hair away from falling on the cape. When she was done B looked at me and said...you have good shaped head. D massaged my head with a tingly product which felt great and soothing. It was the least painful my head had been in days. It was a relief.
She left the room and B said..it doesn't look bad. I turned my head slightly to the mirror and did a quick peek...was he crazy! Quick, turn my head back. Won't be doing that again for awhile. Bravery is not my forte.
Once the wig was on D spun me back..well that looked pretty good. She parted it, shaped and styled it. Wow this thing actually looks like hair!
That night I took off "Molly" and stared in the mirror. I was more than hair. I had gone through so much in a short period of time and come through it in what I term as easily. This was one more hurdle that I had crossed over. It was <in my mind> the high jump of hurdles. From now on I am on the healing side of this crazy cancer thing. Now quick put a hat on because my head is freezing!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The days following
Believe me when I say the "chemo fog" they talk about is true. The week following my first round of chemo, I could not put full sentences together. It was as if all the neurons were misfiring and making any life changing decisions during this period is not recommended. I got half way through making dinner and forgot what I was making...not good when dealing with open flames.
Napping is also recommended. Don't get me wrong I am a girl who has always loved her naps but things are different now. I felt like Wile. E. Coyote when he hits the wall, slides down it and decides...this is a good place to nap. I was good in half hour stints. Then I would hit the wall and have to sit down...I was good to go in about 10 minutes and this is when you realize...I guess something is definitely going on and my body is trying to cope.
To top it off, acid reflux has found its way to my body. I have never had any heartburn or acid reflux in my life...yes this keeps getting better. I have found that I am able to keep this under control with a slight amount of food..literally a couple pieces of carrot or a piece of cheese and it goes away. Although a piece of cheese is not overly appealing at 2am so I have opted for animal crackers during this time. Gotta keep the kid in me going after all. Plus water is your best friend....keep drinking it...the constant bathroom breaks suck but at least it keeps away the dryness in your mouth.
Then there are the drugs. I only have to take them for a couple of days which is good because one of the steroids makes me looked sunburned and alcohol during this time is meant to be eliminated...and this is probably when you want it the most. After the first week was over, my body, mind and spirit started coming back. The fog lifted and my energy level came back and for the next two weeks it was like nothing was going on.
I didn't get any mouth sores, but did find myself in the first week biting the inside of my mouth..but I blame that on the fog. I also didn't get the aching joints or some of the other side effects so all in all one week out of three to be down isn't so bad..right...?
I did check my hair each day to see if it was falling out. On the 12th day after chemo I started noticing strands of hair coming out...but that is another story for another day.
Stay tuned.
Napping is also recommended. Don't get me wrong I am a girl who has always loved her naps but things are different now. I felt like Wile. E. Coyote when he hits the wall, slides down it and decides...this is a good place to nap. I was good in half hour stints. Then I would hit the wall and have to sit down...I was good to go in about 10 minutes and this is when you realize...I guess something is definitely going on and my body is trying to cope.
To top it off, acid reflux has found its way to my body. I have never had any heartburn or acid reflux in my life...yes this keeps getting better. I have found that I am able to keep this under control with a slight amount of food..literally a couple pieces of carrot or a piece of cheese and it goes away. Although a piece of cheese is not overly appealing at 2am so I have opted for animal crackers during this time. Gotta keep the kid in me going after all. Plus water is your best friend....keep drinking it...the constant bathroom breaks suck but at least it keeps away the dryness in your mouth.
Then there are the drugs. I only have to take them for a couple of days which is good because one of the steroids makes me looked sunburned and alcohol during this time is meant to be eliminated...and this is probably when you want it the most. After the first week was over, my body, mind and spirit started coming back. The fog lifted and my energy level came back and for the next two weeks it was like nothing was going on.
I didn't get any mouth sores, but did find myself in the first week biting the inside of my mouth..but I blame that on the fog. I also didn't get the aching joints or some of the other side effects so all in all one week out of three to be down isn't so bad..right...?
I did check my hair each day to see if it was falling out. On the 12th day after chemo I started noticing strands of hair coming out...but that is another story for another day.
Stay tuned.
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