Empty Nest

It is hard to believe that it has been close to a year since my whole ordeal began. In what time it would take to have a baby I found a lump, had surgery, did chemo and radiation, had a vacation and I am now back to work. I guess time does fly even when you are not having fun.

The odd thing is that you need to go back to normal. If I can even remember what normal is. Normal feels like a lifetime ago. Meanwhile, my body has changed in appearance but my attitude has not. Guess that should be put on the wish list for "slightly altered". Going back to a conversation that doesn't involve how I am feeling, looking or when my next appointment is...is...well..odd to say the least.

People still ask how I am doing when they first see me after awhile, but quickly move past. I am not adverse to talking about my cancer experience..obviously..but I am glad there are more <and better> things to talk about and look forward to. Like singing to Glee Karaoke and wondering if the neighbours will call to shut us down, planting and replanting the same poor perennials until I find their "forever home", waking up to a snoring husband, puppy and cat..knowing they are all content even if I can't sleep, laughing like idiots with my family until your belly hurt or someone pees their pants- you know who you are -and still forever trying to find the best molasses ginger cookie.

While I will never forget my experience, and I personally am reminded of my having cancer on a daily basis, I have gone back to days where the C word is is a rarity as opposed to a continuous conversation. I have moved on. My days now consist of daily tasks and chores, summer time fun and lots of laughter. So sorry for you cancer, but you are no longer my child to care for. I am done with you. I am kicking you out the door, and I am looking forward to being an empty nester.

Saddle Up

I have been back to work for just over two weeks and I am thankful when Friday roles around. I feel like I am 8, where I want to stay up past 9:30pm but my eyes and body work against me. I am tired at the end of each day and some night it is an effort to change into my pjs. The other night I stayed up until 11pm on a Saturday night and paid for it the next day. I spent the whole day in a fog and realized that I am still in need of my beauty sleep.

I went to see my oncologist today for what I thought would be my next schedule of appointments, only to learn that he is signing off on me. Since the radiation oncologist was the last to see me, he is the lucky winner of my future appointments. I feel kind of sad to leave Dr. R and Nurse H, but realize there are <unfortunately> many more to care for behind me. While my treatment is over my care is not. They both think I am crazy for going back to work so soon and not to push it....ahh did I mention how many steps I climbed in Greece??? Plus, let's face it..I am stubborn and didn't see the need to hang around the house when I could be at work earning money!

I am taking care of myself and attempting to exercise <shhh don't tell my body> and eat well. I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I found a lump. When I was being diagnosed I thought the journey would take forever. Now when I look back it feels like it was a flash...almost..not real...almost. My eyelashes are growing and so is my hair. While neither is growing at any quick rate, I see changes for the good every day.

While waiting to see the doctor today I was getting frustrated with how late he was running. Then I discovered that he was late because a woman who is 36 years old, and has had breast cancer, both breasts removed and the cancer has returned to her lungs and liver, is now receiving more bad news; which she will have to go home and tell her 4 year old daughter. I thought to myself, relax, no need to rush, time is something I am lucky to have on my side. Tomorrow I get to wake up, knowing my body is getting better each day. I am loved beyond words from a large support network and feel blessed for everything I have. Others are not so lucky, but today...luck is on my side. I feel like a girl who has won the lottery...called LIFE!

It's worth the climb

I was a little worried about my trip and all of the walking I would be doing. Would I be able to keep up, how would my energy level be by the end of the day and was I taking on too much and should have just sat on a beach somewhere instead?

It is funny how some of the smallest things are the things that never cross your mind and then cause you sudden panic. For instance. I was more worried about the walking and dragging others back and never even thought about wearing my wig on a plane ...overnight! I have taken naps wearing it and it did not look pretty when I woke up. It was twisted and all messed up. I realized this fact somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Which is probably why I didn't sleep a whole lot as I was worried that I would freak out those around me...thankfully an older gentleman did this for me when he thew up his dinner and red wine all over himself. I was trying to not gag and throw up while my husband kept asking me to look to see what was going on...from now on I get the window seat!~

Another instance came when I went through airport security and was randomly selected to be either patted down or go through the machine. Even though the customs agent comforted me that the machine does not emit regular radiation rays, I figured I had had enough radiation and opted for the pat down. Before she began I explained my wig, prosthetic and that I was still healing from radiation. She was wonderful and if I didn't know better I would say she gave me a massage and sent me on my way.

All in all, I did well at the walking...and there are A LOT of steps to climb. I took my time and stopped when I got out of breath. I was happy to find that others in my party felt the same on some of the climbs. I noticed an increase in my ability each day and by the end of the trip I found the steps easier to climb..not easy..just eas-ier. And when I thought I had no energy left I would look behind me, see the Asian bus tour pull up and know that I had better move my butt fast! It is amazing that energy suddenly finds you.

I even discovered that I never have to worry about drowning if I am wearing my prosthetic. My friend and I were trying to touch the bottom of the pool and she was able to touch with her tippy toe, but I could never get down far enough. Then I stopped and realized I was floating without needing to tread...I then went and showed my husband my new pool trick. hmmm..."squeeze the water out" he said ...I then sunk like a rock!

I am so glad that I took this trip to relax, enjoy and see a beautiful country. One more cross off on my bucket list. I also met a women <working at a spa of all places> who had had breast cancer and was now 10 years past her diagnosis. She gave me hope, knowledge and security in my future. It is great to find wonder it the most unusual of places.

Packing Up

As a celebration to end cancer and to get away from it all, we have booked a trip to GREECE. It is at the top of my bucket list and can't wait to head out to see the crystal blue waters and white and blue buildings...not to mention that we are looking forward to eating <and drinking> our way through the mainland and islands. So needless to say this will be my last post for a couple of weeks.

Packing up is quite the challenge. Normally, we are throw everything in a bag and hope for the best kind of people. BUT this time I had to
1. rifle through my clothes to see what would work- this can be depressing on the best of days but now realize I will need to buy some new work wardrobe pieces
2. Buy new bathing suits that hide the prosthetic- most women want to bear their breasts while sun bathing..me ..not so much..I am more trying to hide my nubbin'
3.Think about how to wash "cindy", bring "molly" as backup just is case Cindy gets caught on fire from the flaming cheese-note to self do not order anything saganaki
4. Pack the back up boob in case the prosthetic bothers me- that should be fun at customs should they question it...do I whip out the prosthetic or whip off the wig?
5. Then there is the regular packing for hot and cold- and hot flashes -
6. And lastly print tickets, bring all current electronics <how do people with babies do it> oh yeah and remember our clothes- ahh the small details

To everyone...we love you, but don't miss us too much:) We'll be having a great time, will email when we can and lastly OPA!

Feeling Up

My skin is almost back to normal and has a lovely smooth feeling with a side of tan-ish. Let's face it, I am a VERY white girl and the radiation has caused me to have the darkest tan I have ever had, even if it is in one square foot and I had to have cancer to get it.

I have also gone to get my prosthetic as well. It was a bit weird when the lady who made it was explaining how to care for it. She squeezed it, showed me how to wash it, apply it <yes it can stick to you for 5 days with medical adhesive> and remove it. All the while I am thinking-sick as I am- am I being felt up from a distance? It is awkward, to say the least, watching someone manipulate a replication of your breast.

While it doesn't feel natural it is a pretty good replication and what I expect an implant to feel like. The colour and nipple came out well and the form is good in my regular bras. I have also begun wearing it for a couple of hours each day to get used to it. It is not heavy but it is heavier than the "sock" I have been wearing and I am still healing on my scar line...and not to mention that new skin is itchy!

The true test was when I went to dinner at my parents last weekend and my mother told me that my left side was hanging down a bit...I looked down and then back at her and said..."But that's my real one" to which my lovely endearing mother replied "Maybe they can give you a lift".

Ahh I can feel the love.

To hell and back

When people talk about having been through cancer they talk about the war they have been through. While I cannot relate to our troops I can relate to a war on my body and I have the battle scars to prove it. It is one week since the end of my radiation and my skin still continues to peel. Some in new spots, some in old spots. Under my armpit it has peeled down to what looks like the dermis layer -very gross- and was all weepy and not pretty smelling after the day.

I am back to having showers and find the water running down the front is soothing. I am also soaking the skin at night aka taking a bath and find that each day that my skin is not as painful as the day before. I can wear a bra for the day but have developed an appeal for the freedom of not wearing one. I think I might have been a nudist in a former life...although I am sure my neighbours appreciate my clothed self...not to mention my family and friends.

I think I am close to the end of the peeling stage and still slap a mixture of flamazine, hydro cortisone and lubriderm on various areas as my chest and armpit as they are all at various stages.

As I look at my hands, I wonder where my pretty nails have gone. Instead I am left with `tiger lines`` and what looks like I have slammed several of my fingers in a car door. It looks like my nails are going to peel off in layers as they grow out but at least it doesn`t look like they are going to fall off...my toes are another story.

I have been watching my toes, as a chemo side effect is loosing nails...as opposed to being THAT bored. I am sad to say that one of my big toes is not going to win. While the other one might not look so pretty it is nothing that some nail polish cannot disguise. I am just hoping the other one will hang on until after my pedicure and trip..else my sandal days may cause some unusual foot staring.

My ``root`` vein is still hanging around like an unwanted friend but it is not as apparent as it use to be and the blown out vein lines are fading each day. They now look the colour of a week old bruise.

In all of this it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining but there are some: my real hair is growing in...even in the bald patches. Mind you some of it looks like pubic hair but I guess beggars can`t be choosers. I now have one eyelash on its way in and if you look reallllly close you can see some eyebrows too. But the biggest news is that the hot flashes have started to decrease...whoot whoot! I have gone from having 15-20 a day -so basically soaked the whole day and feeling like I peed myself- to 6-10 a day and only slightly damp!

I went out last night and had a glass of wine with dinner, only had one hot flash during the concert and came home with energy to spare...watch out world...I`M COMING BACK!

Doin` the jig

So...yesterday should have been the final hurrah but due to a broken down machine, I have been extended by one day. I realize it is only one day -which I did try to get out of- but mentally that one extra day was draining. I had set my sights on being done on a particular day and when that day came and went it was hard to swallow. But today is the day and if the machine breaks down today it better be really broken, else I may have a baseball bat in hand to make sure it doesn`t come back up. I am done and mentally checked out from this whole cancer thing.

My skin is also crying  ``uncle`` as it is peeling, weeping and not so pretty looking. I have flamazine to put on it has gone past the top layers of skin. You know it looks bad when the doctor shrinks back going ohhh.

My husband and I have decided that after I am finished this last treatment that we will end this ordeal the same way we started. Having dinner at a really nice restaurant. Only this time I will have a drink and no tears. Only big happy smiles and maybe a jig. Cheers!