Put a sock in it

Now that I am drain free I have to figure out how to stop all of my shirts from pulling to one side. Who knew that having one boob would make so much difference in how your shirts hang. The day after the drains came out I was quick to try to figure out how to make my breast<s> look au natural.

I took my regular bra and started stuffing...geez I must be back in high school. I just dealt with being flat then. No rosebuds now. Now I look back thinking...why did I want these things? Oh yeah...boys like them. Should have dated butt men...I still have lots of that.

So I put on a bra. Looked at the provided sock and thought...wait are there directions? How does this thing go, sideways or up and down.  You would think this would be an easy decision but I tried it both ways and neither was working. Plus I was still very tender and could only clip the bra loosely. After much playing with the sock I decided to ditch it and put in the "cutlets" I had from my wedding. Checked with B and he thought it looked good...then I stood up. On what universe this looked natural was beyond me. I had one boob looking National Geographic like and one shooting for the sun..can you guess which was which. Mental side note: only put a sock in it while standing up.

Let's try this again, adjust adjust adjust...ok I think I've got it! One sock + one cutlet =looking semi normal...who knew? Then I sat down and stood up....hmmm...one blew east and one blew west. Damn it! Who knew stuffing your bra was so difficult...I must admit I did look at the kleenex box wondering...do you think I can google how to stuff my bra?

I adjusted once again deciding that checking myself out was going to have to be a common occurrence. Hey baby..how you doin'. The 'rents showed up and my mother walks up the stairs and pronounces loudly...wow they look natural....blush...thanks mom.

So at the young age of 40...I know know how to stuff my bra....and I have had enough of that....Off to La vie en rose I went for the "Figure correcting bra". I may still have to stuff the bra to give it the proper curve until I get a prosthetic, but at least they have more weight and I do not have to adjust so often. So for all those late bloomers out there, throw out the kleenex box and get some bigger cutlets.

Out out damn drain

I was told at the beginning of this venture that only 20% of people get their drains out after a week I was aiming towards this goal. I did my exercises, ate well and watch as the drains changed from bright red, to stringy, to yellow with strings to finally yellow. I was 80% positive these drains were coming out, as I was tired of looking like a pregnant quasi modo.

We <B and I> arrived at the hospital with me holding my "pregnant belly". The drains were tucked up in my sweatshirt and I didn't trust them not to fall down; which might have given people a shock as they were in a light pink bag which kind of looked like testicles when they hung down. I figured holding a belly was less damaging to the psyche ...mine as well as passing strangers.

We were escorted into what looked like a supply closet with a bed. I did the change to the Johnny shirt <ties in front> and waited. Nurse L was the first to enter and checked over the dressing <which had all but one strip hanging off...I might have helped this along as the  bandage was driving my armpit crazy> and the drains. She said everything looked good...good as in out they come or good as in keep up the good work and we will see you in a couple of days.

We handed over our chart progress and she looked at it. Nurse J enters and reviews the chart, the dressings and the content in the drains. Nurse J is my all star today as she gave the go ahead to take out the drains. They started taking off the bandages around the drains and the room suddenly got very warm. I tried to take off my shoes and they decided I should lay down while they do this. Apply cold cloth to forehead.

As they pulled the first one I could feel it slide across my chest and out it came. There was some discomfort but I was happier to say good riddance. Then they began with the second one. I think this one was somewhere around my armpit as B's eyes got wide as they pulled and pulled and more kept coming out...finally I was drain free! I have the two holes below my chest to prove it...they were like badges of honour..my permanent "gold stars".

Side note: If you are interested in what the drains look like <click here> and remember I had two of these. yeah..I can say had:)

Dr. T then came to take a look. If I was shy about showing my breasts before this point, I now didn't care who saw them...you get over this amazingly quick. The incision was mostly flat with a bump between my breasts and a clump of skin underneath my arm pit<which I refer to as my nubbin'>. Yes my scar runs from the centre of my chest to the other side of my arm pit. At this point the scar is still covered with steri strips which will have to fall off in their own good time. BUT I was now allowed to get in a shower, stuff my bra with a provided "sock" form and get out of the house. Things were looking up.

Dr. T requested a MUGA scan <to ensure my heart was strong enough to withstand chemo> and they checked on the status of my CAT scan. My pathology report would be in on September 8th and we should know more about the tumors he took out then. After barely having time to comprehend the next step a month seems so far away.

Overall I felt like a kid who was just told they were better and could play outside. We hi-tailed it out of that hospital before they changed their minds and I spent the rest of the afternoon laying in the sunshine.

Day by day-Wednesday

Day 1
OMG, did someone hit me with a baseball bat. Drugs I need drugs. Ok drugs are in, now I attempt to get out of bed. It is amazing how you need the mobility of both arms or good abdominal muscles to get you easily out of bed. I have neither. I guess I could lie here and wait for B to get up...well that lasts all of about 2 seconds. I then look at the dog on the bed and think...I should have hooked his harness on him the night before so he could drag me out. Hindsight is always 20-20. I decided to sleep in the spare room for a couple of days so B could get some sleep and our bed is not big enough for him, my injured self, a dog, and a cat.

So how am I going to do this, roll to the left ...ok the 4" think memory foam is stopping me. Think. think. ok if I just slide my legs over to the side I can then turn them , giving me momentum and giddy up. I inch my legs over and then realize...damn...I am too far in the middle of the bed and my legs aren't long enough...think....lets try those abdominal muscles...oh shit they are connected further up to where the drains are connected which is connected to where my breast was. OUCH! I admit defeat. sigh.

B then wakes up comes over to the room...help! I get seated up..now what. I guess I didn't think this through. I wobble my way to the bathroom and then make it to a chair in the living room. I feel like I accomplished a marathon. Then I look at the drains...oh goody....they need to be emptied. <Have I mentioned how much I love my husband.> He goes and gets the measuring cups, sets up the paper chart, drains the two drains...while I sit there trying not to look or gag.

VON shows up to check on my bandages and to start my exercise routines. I wobble myself back to the bedroom <why did I get up?>. I pass my inspection and start on the exercises...I feel like I have never used my arm before...I literally get it a foot up the wall and I feel more than a "gentle pull"...come on!

I try to move it further and it is a no go. sigh...this defeat thing is already getting old.

I spend most of the day reading, sleeping and calling for help.

Biggest accomplishment: I pulled up my own pants <did I say how much I love my husband>
Most thankful for: my husband

D-Day or should I say -B Day

I surprising slept very well the night before the surgery but I was a bundle of nerves once I woke up. What to wear? I decided on a heavy sweatshirt and easy to pull on shorts as I could be sleeping in this for a while. We showed up on time <kind of>, registered and I go changed into the infamous Johnny Shirt..this time strings on the back. I met with the nurse who took my blood pressure and who asked a series of questions, all of which I responded no to. She looked at me suspiciously ..."So except for the cancer you are healthy". Seems like a contradiction of terms..but yup!

B and I were led upstairs to another waiting room and the floor still had the lights turned off .<Hello, anybody home?> Apparently the hospital is in a cut back rotation....great...all the staff is on board today for my surgery right? We then get the Ok- the doctors are ready- we are off again. At this point B and I have to separate and I continue down the hallway to a stretcher. ahhhh ....mommy.....

I am asked to lie there while they finish getting the operating room ready. I get comfy, get a hot blanket put over me and the next thing I know there is a line up of people beside me. I feel like the Dali Lama and I have just opened my door for visitors.

Visitor #1 is Dr. T.  Are you happy? <excuse me> You're not feeling depressed or anything? ahhh I see where you are going. No I am not depressed but let's just say this surgery will not make it on my highlight reel. This is the stage when I ask for drugs...I want a prescription because I am a wimp with pain! I don't deny it...give me drugs!

Visitor 2: The resident...who will give me the drugs.
Visitor 3 & 4: The anesthesiologists....real and student...student seems a little nervous...I hope I am not his first pin cushion
Visitor 5: The nurse liaison who then makes me repeat what visitors 2-4 have talked about and what I am here for

Once I pass the test, I am then brought into the chilly room and introduced to people 6-10...I hope I don't have to repeat names. I lay on the table and then gently pull my johnny shirt around my arm as to not expose my breasts. Seriously people? I know the moment I am out this thing is being whipped down to my knees. Why be modest now?

I lay back..watch the nervous anesthesiologist get an iv in my left hand ..a mask goes over my face and I do not remember the count down......

<time laspe 2 hrs and 20 mins>
Blink Blink....I gradually wake up and look around to see a large room full of about 10 spots. A nurse immediately comes over and asks me from 1-10 how much pain I am in...I say 7...before I know what is going on she is jabbing something into the IV drip and things get fuzzy and distant...my eyes close

This routine goes on for a little while <about 1hr> until I say I am ok to go to the next room where I will be sat up. I then notice I have two drains. I expected this but was still surprised to see them. This means my sentinel nodes are gone as well and I have had an axillary mastectomy. I am not surprised as I knew with the size of my tumors (3.4cm and 4cm) this was a high possibility but I was always hopeful that they wouldn't have to come out.

Side note: The day before I had radioactive material inserted into my nipple so they could literally use a metal detector<technical term geicometer-spelling not so sure of> to find the sentinel nodes,,,,sounds scarier than it actually was.

I stagger my way to the chair and I am wheeled off. Not really sure where I wheeled to as I was still quite drugged but I was delivered to a much smaller room with old fashion lazy boys and moved from the wheel chair over. Nurse 1 comes over to offer me liquid....yes please. Nurse 1 and 2 attempt to have a chat with me but I am happier to just fade in and out. After a while I decide ..ok...time to go home. Nurse 2 goes to get B and Nurse 1 attempts to get me dressed...this is the first time I see the bandage...wait..is the room suppose to spin like that. Cold cloth please.

2nd attempt at getting dressed goes much better and I get into the wheel chair. Now I have B, Nurse 1 & 2 asking me if I am sure I am ready to leave...get me the hell out of here! I am wheeled down to the front doors ever so cautiously by Porter G who is worried about my stomach turnings..and rightly so.

I do hang on and the breeze threw the front door feels like I am on the front of a sailboat,,,was going to say the Titanic..but that went down. Get in the car and we are off.

I lay in bed, needing help to do everything as I can barely move my arm or body, I am nauseous but never throw up. I am definitely not looking my best. VON comes in that night to check on me and then it is lights out. I only have to wake up B once during the night but sleep through most of it. Part 1 down. I wonder what tomorrow brings.

Twas the night before

I am sure most people spend the time before a mastectomy concentrating on getting mentally ready to loose a breast, I focused my time on how to regain it. Many people seem to have different options on how reconstructive surgery goes. Especially when it comes to the nipple region. I realize I have a long way to go before I get to this point but..hmm how do they make a nipple?

Apparently your natural nipple is made out of similar material as your earlobe, but then I would have a defunct earlobe or it can be made out of the labia. Yup I said it the "nether-region". Now I wondered why the labia? When my husband quickly responded.....so guys can find it!

Funny guy.

There is also the option of a "nipple tattoo". I think this would be a better option then cutting apart my body more...maybe I should get a full on chest tattoo to mask both breasts and make them indistinguishable between real and fake. It would give the technicians something to talk about when I do go for the next mammogram. On second thought this may not look too pretty when I'm 80. An array of fish and flowers may look like the tank of the wilted and dead.

I guess this will be one more decision to make down the road.

The doctor awaits

I have been "lucky" in the sense that my appointments have been quickly followed by another appointment. Thus, not allowing me much time to think. My appointment with the surgeon was scheduled for the week after my diagnoses. Of course I spent some time researching him and discovered that he specializes in breast cancer...so in my mind a good guy to have.

Unlike other parts of the hospital, where it is hurry up and wait, we arrive to a newly organized section. At least I hope it is newly organized as they were still debating about how to work the numbering system....not giving me a lot of confidence here ladies. Once their debate was over, a new file was created for me, where they continued to put more and more papers into...I don't think my record was this big from birth onward. They know it's just one boob right...how big is your file if it is two.

My husband was not missing this appointment due to the results of the last one. Plus I needed someone to help remember/understand some of the possible information I was about to be given. We were directed into a room that was a fair size. I disrobed and put on the johnny shirt. 

Side note: The Johnny shirt is a cruel piece of material. Different departments want you to put it on different ways. This so called shirt doesn't look good either way...one size does not fit all. Plus shirts don't go to mid-calf. If you put it on with the top tie facing forward it wants to choke you. If the tie goes in the back you have to be a contortionist to tie the bottom tie. I think "Johnny" was in an insane asylum...just saying I need to design something better.

Knock knock. <don't you always want to say ...come back in 5 minutes> A woman peeks her head around the corner and sees my husband. A shock look goes over he face <did I get the wrong room> then her gaze falls on me and she enters. She explains how the process will work.
- She is a resident <as in student>
-She will ask a series of questions
-She will do an examination
-She will report her findings to the doctor outside
-The doctor will come in, do an exam himself
-He will have a discussion with us about our next steps

Seems straight forward....

Step 1:Question Period
Dr J: So you know you have Invasive ductal carcinoma
Me: I do now <this is good in the scheme of things as from my neurotic googling I know this is the most common type>. You have to realize my doctor technically never told me I had cancer.
Dr. J <puzzled look>
Dr J: Do you have a family history of BC
Me: Not that I am aware of. My mother was adopted.
Dr: J: Do you smoke
Me: No
Dr J: How much do you drink
Me: Maybe 1 glass a week
Dr J: Have you noticed an increase in tiredness
Me: No
Dr J: Have you lost any weight
Me:sigh ...No
Dr J: Have you had a decrease in appetite
B:<belly laughter> NO!
<evil sideways glance from wife>
 
Step 2: Examination
I hop up on the table. I get groped on my right side then my left
Dr. J: Wow that tumor is quite large and you can feel the definition of the two
Now I probably should have responded with "why thank you" but thought this may be inappropriate.
A little more touch touch, poke poke and we were done. Then she left the room. <this sounds like some of my past relationships>

Step 3: dun dun dun..the Doctor enters
Again he does the touch touch, poke poke. Only he does a little extra and circles my breast around saying, "I don't think it has attached to the chest wall" <ok this is good> but it has attached to the skin. He then turns to Dr. J ..Do you know how I know it has attached. She has a blank look, I await with curiosity...how Dr. T..how? You can see the puckering when you press it inward.....oh yeah you can.

Dr. T: Ok that's it you can get up....wait...<how come I have all of this touching and no one has yet bought me dinner. >

I get up..contort myself with the shirt and sit back down. Dr. T turns to me and looks me straight in the eye.
"You have to have a mastectomy. The tumor is too large to have a lumpectomy. You will have chemo. It will be Tuesday and I will confirm the time"

GULP ..Today is Thursday. That is only 4 days away. He went on to explain some details but my mind had glazed over...all I heard was you are young <wait did he call me young> and therefore the cancers tend to be aggressive. You probably have noticed it growing rapidly....yes. Any questions? <Questions? No my mind is drawing a blank....might have something to do with the "system overload" sign blinking in front of me"

As he was writing a bunch of stuff on my chart he is questioning Dr J on some items. If I need to take out the sentinel nodes, which nerve can I cut?Pause..answer: incorrect. Questions 2: What nerve do I want to stay away from: Pause..answer: incorrect. <jokingly..but not really> I look him in the eye...You're doing the surgery ..right? Yes..Pause...answer. CORRECT!

They leave the room, I get dressed and try to take in the information but it is too much. Then Nurse L walks in..sees my face and proceeds with caution. Ok so your surgery is at 7:30am Tuesday morning...you have to be here for 6:30am.

WAIT>>>Dr. T just walked out the door how did it get scheduled so quickly? She hands me a folder and a series of books and ask if my family Dr gave me "THE" book.<Intelligent Patient Guide on Breast Cancer> Nope. I am thinking at this point I should switch doctors. Armed with an array of "light" reading she begins to explain each of the items she has given me along with what the drain I will need to take care of looks like. I am once again overwhelmed by the information I have been given and need to digest it. Did I hear the word drain?

She writes down my next appointment which is the next day for training??? Then directs us to the bowels of the hospital for blood work. My knees wobble. It will be less than a month from the time of my very first mammogram to having surgery. I am pretty sure this is the fast track!

I had planned to go back to work after this but after getting into my car I realized..."who am I kidding, I am not even sure I know how to get out of the parking lot at his moment" Breathe In. Breathe Out. You can do this!