The results are in

3:35pm Phone rings

J: Hello

Dr. B’s office: Hi J. your results have come in and I am wondering if you are available to come in on Monday

J: <the results are in…I thought I had another week> Actually I can come over today if you can fit me in

Dr. B’s office:hmmm let me see, how far away are you?

J: 10-15mins

Dr. B’s office:ok, come right now and I will fit you in. He is in walk-in today but we’ll squeeze you in

3:40pm

I quickly email my boss to let him know that I am leaving for the day. I text B. to let him know the results are in. Shut down my computer, I can barely think straight, grab my purse and keys and fly out the door. Hop in my car and I am off for what seemed like an extremely long ride. I cross over the bridge and out of nowhere I say out loud “Please don’t let it be cancer”.

Breathe in, breathe out.

3:53pm

I get to the Dr.’s office and register. The receptionist tells me it wont be long he is in with one patient and she will fit me n before the other.

I get a text from B asking if he wants me to have him there. Nah it will be a quick results of the fibrocystic disease. I will see you at home.

4:02pm

I am called into Dr. B’s office

4:03pm

Dr. B enters the office

Dr. B: How are you doing?

J: <laughing> I don’t know, you tell me.

Dr. B: Your results from your biopsy are in, they are written on this paper.

Dr. B.: Can you confirm this is your name and date of birth on the top.

<confirm what? He knows who I am…I don’t understand why I am confirming the information>

J: Yes.

<quickly scan the page before he starts talking, ok I see the spot of the lumps…

Dr. B: So you had two biopsies and they are both tumors.

…scan, scan, scan…look up

J: okkkk???

Dr B: So from this point the clinic will contact you and they will continue your treatment from here. You will now be in their care.

WAIT…their care. What am I missing?

Pause

J.: <slowly> Do I have cancer?

Dr B.: Yes

J: Are both tumors cancerous

Dr B: Yes, both are cancerous. Both are tumors

J: So what now?

Dr. B: You will be called by the clinic in two weeks and this is the only information I have.<He hand over the paper and I scan I for anything additional…nothing>

J: ok < I get up..stunned>

Dr. B: Good luck and let me know if you have any questions

4:08pm

Questions: What is he talking about. I open the door and I am confused which way to turn. I quickly walk out the front door to my car, get in, close the door. Tears stream down my face. 

I have cancer. I have CANCER. I HAVE CANCER.

I begin to sob uncontrollably. What should I do? Can I drive home? OMG I HAVE CANCER.  I start my car and begin the drive home. Tears will not stop streaming and my sobbing continues. I am a mess. I cannot believe the results. Am I going to die?

I drive in the driveway and B is not home but I know he will be here shortly. I run in the front door and the dog immediately knows something is wrong. He looks at me and my sobbing breaks out again. I get a face cloth and run cold water on it, trying to make the tears stop. They don’t.

I sit in the living room waiting for B to show up. He arrives minutes later, get out of his car, walks up the front path and sees me. Immediately he knows the answer to my results. Runs through the front door and hugs me. We sob uncontrollably for what feels like hours but is only minutes. Finally we pull it together enough for me to tell him what the doctor said. I do not know what kind of cancer I have, exactly what the next steps are or anything. All know is I have breast cancer. 

How am I going to tell my parents? I think they are at the cottage and I cannot tell them while they are there.

I need a glass of wine. Maybe two.

I did try to call my parents at home but they were, as suspected, at the cottage. I decided to wait until the next day to tell anyone else in hopes B and I could figure out how to tell people. To this point I had only told a couple of people that I had a lump, no big deal. How do I go from saying that to what is now the result? 

That night B and I went out for dinner as we had planned to do and strolled along the waterfront. Being in public helped me from crying, my eyes did water on occasion but I kept it fairly under control.

I am not sure why the overwhelming feeling of I have let everyone down” kept reoccurring for me as this was not something I had done to myself, or caused. I felt guilty as I was about to drastically change everyone‘s life close to me. 

That night B and I talked about a lot of things and cried ourselves to sleep. One step at a time was what we agreed to.

<whisper> I have cancer.