I was a little worried about my trip and all of the walking I would be doing. Would I be able to keep up, how would my energy level be by the end of the day and was I taking on too much and should have just sat on a beach somewhere instead?
It is funny how some of the smallest things are the things that never cross your mind and then cause you sudden panic. For instance. I was more worried about the walking and dragging others back and never even thought about wearing my wig on a plane ...overnight! I have taken naps wearing it and it did not look pretty when I woke up. It was twisted and all messed up. I realized this fact somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. Which is probably why I didn't sleep a whole lot as I was worried that I would freak out those around me...thankfully an older gentleman did this for me when he thew up his dinner and red wine all over himself. I was trying to not gag and throw up while my husband kept asking me to look to see what was going on...from now on I get the window seat!~
Another instance came when I went through airport security and was randomly selected to be either patted down or go through the machine. Even though the customs agent comforted me that the machine does not emit regular radiation rays, I figured I had had enough radiation and opted for the pat down. Before she began I explained my wig, prosthetic and that I was still healing from radiation. She was wonderful and if I didn't know better I would say she gave me a massage and sent me on my way.
All in all, I did well at the walking...and there are A LOT of steps to climb. I took my time and stopped when I got out of breath. I was happy to find that others in my party felt the same on some of the climbs. I noticed an increase in my ability each day and by the end of the trip I found the steps easier to climb..not easy..just eas-ier. And when I thought I had no energy left I would look behind me, see the Asian bus tour pull up and know that I had better move my butt fast! It is amazing that energy suddenly finds you.
I even discovered that I never have to worry about drowning if I am wearing my prosthetic. My friend and I were trying to touch the bottom of the pool and she was able to touch with her tippy toe, but I could never get down far enough. Then I stopped and realized I was floating without needing to tread...I then went and showed my husband my new pool trick. hmmm..."squeeze the water out" he said ...I then sunk like a rock!
I am so glad that I took this trip to relax, enjoy and see a beautiful country. One more cross off on my bucket list. I also met a women <working at a spa of all places> who had had breast cancer and was now 10 years past her diagnosis. She gave me hope, knowledge and security in my future. It is great to find wonder it the most unusual of places.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
Packing Up
As a celebration to end cancer and to get away from it all, we have booked a trip to GREECE. It is at the top of my bucket list and can't wait to head out to see the crystal blue waters and white and blue buildings...not to mention that we are looking forward to eating <and drinking> our way through the mainland and islands. So needless to say this will be my last post for a couple of weeks.
Packing up is quite the challenge. Normally, we are throw everything in a bag and hope for the best kind of people. BUT this time I had to
1. rifle through my clothes to see what would work- this can be depressing on the best of days but now realize I will need to buy some new work wardrobe pieces
2. Buy new bathing suits that hide the prosthetic- most women want to bear their breasts while sun bathing..me ..not so much..I am more trying to hide my nubbin'
3.Think about how to wash "cindy", bring "molly" as backup just is case Cindy gets caught on fire from the flaming cheese-note to self do not order anything saganaki
4. Pack the back up boob in case the prosthetic bothers me- that should be fun at customs should they question it...do I whip out the prosthetic or whip off the wig?
5. Then there is the regular packing for hot and cold- and hot flashes -
6. And lastly print tickets, bring all current electronics <how do people with babies do it> oh yeah and remember our clothes- ahh the small details
To everyone...we love you, but don't miss us too much:) We'll be having a great time, will email when we can and lastly OPA!
Packing up is quite the challenge. Normally, we are throw everything in a bag and hope for the best kind of people. BUT this time I had to
1. rifle through my clothes to see what would work- this can be depressing on the best of days but now realize I will need to buy some new work wardrobe pieces
2. Buy new bathing suits that hide the prosthetic- most women want to bear their breasts while sun bathing..me ..not so much..I am more trying to hide my nubbin'
3.Think about how to wash "cindy", bring "molly" as backup just is case Cindy gets caught on fire from the flaming cheese-note to self do not order anything saganaki
4. Pack the back up boob in case the prosthetic bothers me- that should be fun at customs should they question it...do I whip out the prosthetic or whip off the wig?
5. Then there is the regular packing for hot and cold- and hot flashes -
6. And lastly print tickets, bring all current electronics <how do people with babies do it> oh yeah and remember our clothes- ahh the small details
To everyone...we love you, but don't miss us too much:) We'll be having a great time, will email when we can and lastly OPA!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Feeling Up
My skin is almost back to normal and has a lovely smooth feeling with a side of tan-ish. Let's face it, I am a VERY white girl and the radiation has caused me to have the darkest tan I have ever had, even if it is in one square foot and I had to have cancer to get it.
I have also gone to get my prosthetic as well. It was a bit weird when the lady who made it was explaining how to care for it. She squeezed it, showed me how to wash it, apply it <yes it can stick to you for 5 days with medical adhesive> and remove it. All the while I am thinking-sick as I am- am I being felt up from a distance? It is awkward, to say the least, watching someone manipulate a replication of your breast.
While it doesn't feel natural it is a pretty good replication and what I expect an implant to feel like. The colour and nipple came out well and the form is good in my regular bras. I have also begun wearing it for a couple of hours each day to get used to it. It is not heavy but it is heavier than the "sock" I have been wearing and I am still healing on my scar line...and not to mention that new skin is itchy!
The true test was when I went to dinner at my parents last weekend and my mother told me that my left side was hanging down a bit...I looked down and then back at her and said..."But that's my real one" to which my lovely endearing mother replied "Maybe they can give you a lift".
Ahh I can feel the love.
I have also gone to get my prosthetic as well. It was a bit weird when the lady who made it was explaining how to care for it. She squeezed it, showed me how to wash it, apply it <yes it can stick to you for 5 days with medical adhesive> and remove it. All the while I am thinking-sick as I am- am I being felt up from a distance? It is awkward, to say the least, watching someone manipulate a replication of your breast.
While it doesn't feel natural it is a pretty good replication and what I expect an implant to feel like. The colour and nipple came out well and the form is good in my regular bras. I have also begun wearing it for a couple of hours each day to get used to it. It is not heavy but it is heavier than the "sock" I have been wearing and I am still healing on my scar line...and not to mention that new skin is itchy!
The true test was when I went to dinner at my parents last weekend and my mother told me that my left side was hanging down a bit...I looked down and then back at her and said..."But that's my real one" to which my lovely endearing mother replied "Maybe they can give you a lift".
Ahh I can feel the love.
Friday, April 6, 2012
To hell and back
When people talk about having been through cancer they talk about the war they have been through. While I cannot relate to our troops I can relate to a war on my body and I have the battle scars to prove it. It is one week since the end of my radiation and my skin still continues to peel. Some in new spots, some in old spots. Under my armpit it has peeled down to what looks like the dermis layer -very gross- and was all weepy and not pretty smelling after the day.
I am back to having showers and find the water running down the front is soothing. I am also soaking the skin at night aka taking a bath and find that each day that my skin is not as painful as the day before. I can wear a bra for the day but have developed an appeal for the freedom of not wearing one. I think I might have been a nudist in a former life...although I am sure my neighbours appreciate my clothed self...not to mention my family and friends.
I think I am close to the end of the peeling stage and still slap a mixture of flamazine, hydro cortisone and lubriderm on various areas as my chest and armpit as they are all at various stages.
As I look at my hands, I wonder where my pretty nails have gone. Instead I am left with `tiger lines`` and what looks like I have slammed several of my fingers in a car door. It looks like my nails are going to peel off in layers as they grow out but at least it doesn`t look like they are going to fall off...my toes are another story.
I have been watching my toes, as a chemo side effect is loosing nails...as opposed to being THAT bored. I am sad to say that one of my big toes is not going to win. While the other one might not look so pretty it is nothing that some nail polish cannot disguise. I am just hoping the other one will hang on until after my pedicure and trip..else my sandal days may cause some unusual foot staring.
My ``root`` vein is still hanging around like an unwanted friend but it is not as apparent as it use to be and the blown out vein lines are fading each day. They now look the colour of a week old bruise.
In all of this it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining but there are some: my real hair is growing in...even in the bald patches. Mind you some of it looks like pubic hair but I guess beggars can`t be choosers. I now have one eyelash on its way in and if you look reallllly close you can see some eyebrows too. But the biggest news is that the hot flashes have started to decrease...whoot whoot! I have gone from having 15-20 a day -so basically soaked the whole day and feeling like I peed myself- to 6-10 a day and only slightly damp!
I went out last night and had a glass of wine with dinner, only had one hot flash during the concert and came home with energy to spare...watch out world...I`M COMING BACK!
I am back to having showers and find the water running down the front is soothing. I am also soaking the skin at night aka taking a bath and find that each day that my skin is not as painful as the day before. I can wear a bra for the day but have developed an appeal for the freedom of not wearing one. I think I might have been a nudist in a former life...although I am sure my neighbours appreciate my clothed self...not to mention my family and friends.
I think I am close to the end of the peeling stage and still slap a mixture of flamazine, hydro cortisone and lubriderm on various areas as my chest and armpit as they are all at various stages.
As I look at my hands, I wonder where my pretty nails have gone. Instead I am left with `tiger lines`` and what looks like I have slammed several of my fingers in a car door. It looks like my nails are going to peel off in layers as they grow out but at least it doesn`t look like they are going to fall off...my toes are another story.
I have been watching my toes, as a chemo side effect is loosing nails...as opposed to being THAT bored. I am sad to say that one of my big toes is not going to win. While the other one might not look so pretty it is nothing that some nail polish cannot disguise. I am just hoping the other one will hang on until after my pedicure and trip..else my sandal days may cause some unusual foot staring.
My ``root`` vein is still hanging around like an unwanted friend but it is not as apparent as it use to be and the blown out vein lines are fading each day. They now look the colour of a week old bruise.
In all of this it is sometimes hard to see the silver lining but there are some: my real hair is growing in...even in the bald patches. Mind you some of it looks like pubic hair but I guess beggars can`t be choosers. I now have one eyelash on its way in and if you look reallllly close you can see some eyebrows too. But the biggest news is that the hot flashes have started to decrease...whoot whoot! I have gone from having 15-20 a day -so basically soaked the whole day and feeling like I peed myself- to 6-10 a day and only slightly damp!
I went out last night and had a glass of wine with dinner, only had one hot flash during the concert and came home with energy to spare...watch out world...I`M COMING BACK!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Doin` the jig
So...yesterday should have been the final hurrah but due to a broken down machine, I have been extended by one day. I realize it is only one day -which I did try to get out of- but mentally that one extra day was draining. I had set my sights on being done on a particular day and when that day came and went it was hard to swallow. But today is the day and if the machine breaks down today it better be really broken, else I may have a baseball bat in hand to make sure it doesn`t come back up. I am done and mentally checked out from this whole cancer thing.
My skin is also crying ``uncle`` as it is peeling, weeping and not so pretty looking. I have flamazine to put on it has gone past the top layers of skin. You know it looks bad when the doctor shrinks back going ohhh.
My husband and I have decided that after I am finished this last treatment that we will end this ordeal the same way we started. Having dinner at a really nice restaurant. Only this time I will have a drink and no tears. Only big happy smiles and maybe a jig. Cheers!
My skin is also crying ``uncle`` as it is peeling, weeping and not so pretty looking. I have flamazine to put on it has gone past the top layers of skin. You know it looks bad when the doctor shrinks back going ohhh.
My husband and I have decided that after I am finished this last treatment that we will end this ordeal the same way we started. Having dinner at a really nice restaurant. Only this time I will have a drink and no tears. Only big happy smiles and maybe a jig. Cheers!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Hell hath no fury
I may not be a woman scorned but I am definitely now a woman who is scorched!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
I have to keep reminding myself why I chose this path..oh yeah... to survive. Up until last week the burn did not bother me much. It was to the point where I wanted to claw it out but some hydro cortisone cream ..and time.. took that away. I am burnt to the colour of embers in a fire now and the worst part is under my armpit. Along my scar and in my armpit a blister formed and broke open ..and formed..and broke open. It is quite nasty looking and the front of my chest is very sensitive.
I am giving a stripper a run for their money, as the moment I walk through the door I am whipping my bra off and flinging it as fast as it will go. The relief felt is unbelievable. I thought about going out the other day without one on. I had on a t-shirt and baggy sweatshirt and I asked my husband...does it look obvious. I got a raised eyebrow look followed by..ahh yeah! So while I am far from Dolly Pardon I guess it would be better to be smaller, as being the one boob wonder will not pass in public. Mind you if Dolly lost one boob she could still use the first one to reconstruct the second one and still have ample amounts. My cup does not runneth over so much.
Right now though, to sleep on my side causes the skin to crinkle and be painful, so sleeping on my back with my arm propped up is the most comfortable. Not so good for my husband as I do admit to snoring ..a little bit...while on my back. While standing I feel like I am in model pose as it is most comfortable to ``air my armpit out``. So having my hand on my hip suddenly makes you sashay around looking all cool....well not really but it is more comfortable.
I keep reminding myself, only three more treatments until the finish line. All I have to say is that there better be a lollipop at the end instead of a hot flash!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Time Flies
I cannot believe I only have 4 more treatments of radiation left; unfortunately, my skin may say otherwise. I think going everyday <and trying to find the best parking spot> has made the time fly by. I am thankful that I am a short drive to the hospital as I am sure anyone living further out may not feel the same way.
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
While I have the countdown on, the technicians seem to want to hold on. My doctor checkup days are every Tuesday, but occasionally, if nothing changes, I can fore go the additional wait and skip out. This week I decided to skip the visit as nothing has really changed. Yes my skin is red, yes the hot flashes are still going but nothing "new" that makes me want to wait an additional 30 minutes in a waiting room to wait 20 more minutes in another room to see a doctor for 5 minutes.
Yesterday <Wednesday> the technicians agreed that they should call the doctor in to see my skin as they thought maybe due to its redness that he would stop the pad treatment....got news for them...I knew the answer. It was more burn baby burn. My skin is VERY red and beginning to flake and I have a couple spots on my scar which have deteriorated <Blistered and broke open> but I keep thinking about the daily shrinking treatments.
Our bathroom could rival a drugstore for creams and ointments as I have bought a lot of them..nothing really works. Yes the hydro cortisone takes away the itch but it is my burnt armpit and peeling back that are bothering me. My skin is sensitive and in a sick way I am surprised it is not worse than it is.
So today was treatment 20 and while I am laying there all set up, staring at the ceiling I noticed the machine isn't going..hmm. Then the technician comes in and says "a door is open"? Then she walks back out and still no machine happenings...hmm. Both of the technicians came in to "play around" and then I was told the machine will take about 15 minutes to come back up. So I decided to lie there..what else is a girl to do...and contemplate life...nah...I just stared at the ceiling. So after 40 minutes I was finally out of there...wonder what final day 4 will bring?
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