The days following

Believe me when I say the "chemo fog" they talk about is true. The week following my first round of chemo, I could not put full sentences together. It was as if all the neurons were misfiring and making any life changing decisions during this period is not recommended. I got half way through making dinner and forgot what I was making...not good when dealing with open flames.

Napping is also recommended. Don't get me wrong I am a girl who has always loved her naps but things are different now. I felt like Wile. E. Coyote when he hits the wall, slides down it and decides...this is a good place to nap. I was good in half hour stints. Then I would hit the wall and have to sit down...I was good to go in about 10 minutes and this is when you realize...I guess something is definitely going on and my body is trying to cope.

To top it off, acid reflux has found its way to my body. I have never had any heartburn or acid reflux in my life...yes this keeps getting better. I have found that I am able to keep this under control with a slight amount of food..literally a couple pieces of carrot or a piece of cheese and it goes away. Although a piece of cheese is not overly appealing at 2am so I have opted for animal crackers during this time. Gotta keep the kid in me going after all. Plus water is your best friend....keep drinking it...the constant bathroom breaks suck but at least it keeps away the dryness in your mouth.

Then there are the drugs. I only have to take them for a couple of days which is good because one of the steroids makes me looked sunburned and alcohol during this time is meant to be eliminated...and this is probably when you want it the most. After the first week was over, my body, mind and spirit started coming back. The fog lifted and my energy level came back and for the next two weeks it was like nothing was going on.

I didn't get any mouth sores, but did find myself in the first week biting the inside of my mouth..but I blame that on the fog. I also didn't get the aching joints or some of the other side effects so all in all one week out of three to be down isn't so bad..right...?

I did check my hair each day to see if it was falling out. On the 12th day after chemo I started noticing strands of hair coming out...but that is another story for another day.

Stay tuned.

The New Kid in Town

I wasn't sure what to expect on chemo injection day. I had tried not to read anything about this as I realize everyone reacts differently to it. As previously forewarned I had planned a fairly bland menu for the next couple of days...aka things that if I did throw up wouldn't be so bad the second time around. Plus I had a basic lunch...just in case.

My husband, knowing the hospital a little too well, took us up the back elevators. We arrived outside of the surgery room and I thought...ahhh...been there, done that. But then noticed a small 'this way" sign to chemotherapy. After wandering through a series of hallways, past a great city view <for those who are not scared of heights> we arrived at the registration desk and then hung out in the waiting room.

Today it was filled with people with hair- no baldies today...hmmm..we must all be new or they are on a different chemo path. The room was filled with a mixture of men and women and the long term room was full, making the fact that I live in a province where 47% of people will develop cancer more prevalent.

My name was called and we were led down a hallway to one of the short term rooms where there were three recliner chairs. Don't think we are looking at la-zy boys..but more like typical hospital version recliners...but comfortable. My chair was all ready for me with a heated blanket already on it. Nurse V went over what was going to happen and what the injections consisted of. She would administer the first two and the third would happen by drip. She also explained that she would be watching for any signs of allergic reaction and I was to tell her if I felt anything off.

Nurse V then looked at my veins and sighed. Yes my veins are disappointing as they shrivel from fear and do not often make an appearance, she was not to take it personally as they are not always cooperative. She got a hot towel and "hot" water to soak my hand in to try to make my veins less shy. Well the towel was more luke warm than hot and I think my saliva was warmer than the "hot" water. But being a good patient, I did as I was told and she was able to get me on the first poke. Mind you she did hang my arm down and she sat on the floor to do the injection...but she got it. She did recommend a port being put in and I agreed to this.

She injected the first medication (Fluorouracil) which is red in colour. So red going in means red coming out. Shortly after she began, I started feeling a little flemmy <nothing out of the ordinary for me> so I got out my bottle of water and began drinking it. Nurse V looked a little concern and asked how I was feeling...I'm good. I felt like my nose was getting stuffy so I drank more water, only this time I swallowed it wrong and began a coughing fit. B was quite calm as this is a normal occurrence for me but Nurse V was looking very concerned and said "I have never seen this reaction before". Then B explained ..nah this is normal for her...and I nodded in agreement as I was still to busy coughing. The injection continued and before I knew it Nurse V was onto the second injection.(Epirubicin)

Nurse K came in a checked everything as well before the injection began and it was explained that everything is double checked from the nurses end and it was also checked against my chart as well. Good to know that they are very careful before injecting poision into me. Nurse V then checked everything as well, and by this point my coughing was under control. I did feel a bit of a flutter up in the top of my arm which is normal, but again this went smoothly with no issues and so far I didn't feel any different. So onto injection three. (Cyclophosphamide)

This was done by drip, and again the checking of medication <and me> happened. There was one other gentlemen in the room and when I was almost finished the drip, so was he....it was a race to the end. I know competitive, even in chemo. It turned out we were done at the same time and the machines started beeping like we were lottery winners. Nurse V called for Nurse K and we were unhooked and free to go. I was originally told to expect between 2.5 hrs -3hrs given it was my first go, but we were done in just over 2 hrs.

I did have to pee before I left to ensure the drugs were working..in other words they wanted to ensure I was peeing red. I walked into the washroom and there was a hose next to the toilet....I was thinking "do they have to spray this place down often enough to need a hose?". But then I thought it was better not to think about this fact. I did my business and when I got up..no red...but it was the colour of beep juice. I guess that is close enough. It was not as "pretty" as the turquoise pee from before though.

That night I did eat a bland diet and took the one pill that was prescribed. I felt a little tired but other than that I was all good. I went to bed a little early and had no problems sleeping. So first round of chemo down...only 5 more to go.

Chemo School.101

Yup you heard it hear first. You need to go to chemo training before getting chemotherapy. You are probably wondering why would you need to do this? Trust me, no one fails. They are not going to say "oh no you didn't pay enough attention to the slide show so we cant inject you with several doses of poison". Can you imagine the drop out rate.

We had heard about the "chemo suite" before<sick sense of humor alert: or as B like to term it "sweet, chemo..".> on the top floor but could not imagine what it looked like. I pictured marble bathrooms, leather seating that reclined with massage functions built in. Flowers every where and freshly pressed linens...well not so much.

It was like any other floor, only it was dedicated to cancer patients. The waiting room is like all the others, no fancy chairs but at least on this floor you do not have to take a number. And the bathrooms...well they do not have marble ...B confirmed this..and I have yet to venture there as I already have a public washroom phobia.

They do have a lounge area on this floor called the "Sunshine Room". It is a bright yellow colour <go figure> where they have it decorated like grandma's your  living room. It also has wigs and scarves available for you and a couple times a week students come in to do massage, reiki, etc free of charge...so it kind of is the "sweet, chemo" room.

As we waited in our common chairs to be called to class I noticed several bald women in the waiting room and thought...where are the bald men. Plus I was surprised to see so many with their heads bare as opposed to covered in a hat, scarf or wig. This was a good sign of this being a comfortable environment.

My name was called and off we went down the hall passed all of the people getting chemo in what they term "short term rooms" . ie 3 hrs and under. Else you are in a big room behind the reception desk for longer periods. I am glad that it is the short term rooms for me. BTW that is where the bald men were:)

Chemo school lasted just under two hours and talked about precautions should you throw up...basically B is going to need a hazmat suit for the first 48hours. They talked about what to expect, myths ...and the nurse knew our individual situations so she was able to comment on whether or not we could anticipate different things. I was told I could get mouth sores, aching joints and when I lose my hair it will start feeling like a too tight ponytail...great something to look forward to.

Overall it was informative. It was a small group <three of us and our partners> so asking questions was easy and it was kept fairly light giving the topic at hand. I did not receive a certificate of graduation but instead given a date for my next two rounds of chemo and given the low down. Blood work followed by a doctor's appt the day before to ensure your blood levels are good. Then the next day will be chemo.

Ok chemo training done...next up poison injections...I know the fun never stops!

The Big O

For those of you who have just googled orgasm or Oprah. This is the wrong blog. My big O is for the oncologist. Ok this still sounds dirty but soooo not! This is the first time I have had to enter the actual Cancer Centre of the hospital. I have skirted all around the hallways but never graced the entry way..until now. Again the usual setup, take a number ..wait for your number..but wait…there was an unfamiliar scent in the air. I turned to see two students begin to pick through a variety of cabinets and begin to make freshly brewed tea and coffee.  My first thought was this must be for people having chemo. Then as they filled their trolley with tea, coffee, juice and cookies I thought something doesn’t seem right. Then they began offering it to people waiting in the waiting area. The CANCER waiting area…wait are we in the WestJet lounge, am I being punked? Seriously, you have to have cancer to get a free cup of coffee…..ding..oops that’s my number.

I register with all of the basics, name of family doctor, where is your nearest drugstore, referring physician, name, did you get your cancer package in the mail? Yes and it wasn’t like the day the wish book arrives.  Then I go back to the “lounge” area to see what happens next. I could use a bowl of soup….  Not so lucky, my name is called and we are taken down a hallway where we are introduced to Nurse H. Right away I wonder about our relationship status as she asks me to step on the scale…ahh Nurse H we are in a hallway and have just met…at least the students offered me cookies! Hmmm can I blame my weight on the digestives I didn’t take? Sigh..step on the scale.

B and I are then escorted to a room which actually looks freshly painted <which we find out later was because two days prior the pipe in the ceiling leaked>. Nurse H asked a couple of general questions and wanted to know what I had found out..in other words “what did you find on the internet that I am now going to have to discredit”. Honest injun’ I have been good and haven’t looked up much. I learned that lesson early on!

She explained the process…we would be visited by three ghosts…nah wrong story….she explained that Dr R our oncologist was great. Everybody loved him <no pressure> and that he would always be late! Well Nurse H you are honest so we will get along well.

Out steps Nurse H …15 mins later in  steps Intern N..Intern N, I quickly discover, has lost his sense of humor prior to med school. Frankly B and I were like a comedy act full of shifty eye movements and subtle glances and offhanded remarks. But Intern N was very matter of fact and asked a variety of medical history..some of which even we had forgotten about…oh yeah the goiter <not really, but a fluid cyst near my thyroid 2 years prior>. He did a quick exam of the incision as well as the “good” breast said he would go find Dr R and be back.

Well Dr R must have been on his way back from China because it took him 45 mins to find him. In walks a Dr who is around 50 and looks like he is trying to impersonate someone from Grays Anatomy...and has the hair to match. He speaks softly and a bit slowly and B can see my annoyance…GET ON WITH IT MAN…all I want to know is how long…..as he thoroughly explains what I have, the pathology report and then begins a diagram. I don’t think many people have a sense of humor about their cancer…go figure…as he wasn’t sure what to make of mine and B’s comedy duo but at least he began to laugh…finally… we’ll have to remember those jokes. The diagram is broken into two parts followed by what looked like hugs.

F-E-C  D-D-D  XXXxx

-----------HER2--------???

FEC were the names of the first drugs I would receive for the first three rounds and D was the second round of drugs I would get for a total of 6 treatments. Once every three weeks.  The X’s represented the rounds of radiation I would be looking at which would be decided by yet another doctor. It would be somewhere between 3-5 weeks every day. One of my tests had not come back yet on whether or not I would receive the HER2 injection, if so I would receive this injection for the next year, but that did not affect my current treatment. Any questions?

I looked sheepishly at the paper and then at Dr R and asked....”and when will I lose my hair”. He pointed to the first round of chemo…”14 days after your first chemo”…then I asked...”and when will it grow back”…..he pointed to after the x’s. Sigh

Comedy duo signoff.

It's a race

Long before my diagnosis, our company decided to enter a team in the CIBC's Run for the Cure. It just pushed home the point when I announced my diagnosis. Our team spent weeks having brewery tours, bake sales and flat out begging for money, to which we raised over $2500.

My husband also had a team (immediate family and friends)on the go and by casually mentioning it to people, and not spending every Thursday baking up a storm, ended up raising over $2000. (Final tally not yet had as his company is matching his donation).

We are very pleased by our results..slightly competitive as I figured that since I have breast cancer therefore, I should at least win this race, but sadly he has kicked my ass...next year though will be a different story.

The weather has been great up to this point and it was looking good, until a hurricane decided to change its course slightly and decided to hit our run site. The race started at 10 am and our teams were meeting in the same spot which we thought was a clever spot. Until we discovered everyone else had the same idea as it was the registration spot.

As we are standing under an over hang the light misty rain started to turn to actual rain drops. While we were waiting for the last of B's team to arrive I looked out over the sea of people and I am suddenly confused. (I actually have a reason for this...so wait for it) I turn to B and say "Is that your dad?". Side note: His dad lives 16 hours away. B..looking just as confused...says "Ahh yeah". He and his wife had joined B's team but were suppose to run in their home town..or so we thought. We soon learned that the plan from the beginning was to join us at our location as a surprise...well you did it! It was a surprise..

I immediately called my parents and guilted them into driving down an hour for an after run bbq. I figured one hour vs 16 hours would probably go in my favour.

We lined up, like cattle. I think there was a warm up involved, but by this point the rains had picked up and we were huddling under the largest umbrella I have ever seen. A smart car would have been protected under this thing.  B's team went to the front of the pack since they were all running, while my work team hung back and were debating whether we were going to walk the 1km or 5km. Hey, don't judge us!

The start was announced and about 20mins later we were finally going under the start sign. We walk about 500m and start to see the first of the runners coming across the finish...ok this could be a long walk. Just after we passed the 1km mark, we decided the umbrella was too heavy and ditched as we passed one of our cars.

The rain let up, we took off our jackets and were walking happily along. We passed several cars who obliviously didn't know that the run was on as they were stuck in their cars waiting for 1000's of people to go by. I think we were suppose to stick to the side walk, but when you are a large mass you kind of take over. One lady was stuck in the middle of an intersection and decided to roll down her window and smoke...I wish I was joking. Justice was the that she was still there as we rounded back.

But by the time we reached 4km the rains were getting heavier and then the heavens opened up. It poured down in sheets so heavy that it became "white rain". By the time we got to the finish line we were all drenched and the finish line was like a giant mud pool with 1000 of your closest friends. We looked at each other and said..err Bye. I think we all jumped in a puddle at some point back to the cars as we were not going to get any wetter but cleaner would be good.

Afterwards we had our friends and family back for a bbq. It was great to see everyone laughing and telling stories and all I could think is that I am one lucky girl. Present condition excluded.

The Path Ahead

So the next big day in our adventure was hearing what the pathology report had to say. I was actually looking forward to what the report might NOT say. I know I am backwards but trust me.. this side of the fence is just as crowded.

Today the waiting room was not a ghost town, but I was put in a room quickly and did the change into the Johnny shirt <ties facing forward>. A new Dr came in....and explained that sometimes he and Dr. T help each other out and that way they get to learn each others areas as well. I guess he dealt more with the bottom half of woman than the top half.

He did an examination on me to see how I was healing and then flipped open the report. I felt like I was in a drama show and had to keep waiting past the commercial break to see the next segment. He reviewed the results:

Tumor size: 7.5 cm ...holy shit!
Margin around tumor: they want 5 mm as a clear zone and I had 8...ok lets keep the good news going
Lymph nodes: in 1 of 9 ...yeahhh only thing better would have been 0
Grade: 3 ..well kind of expected that one considering the size
CAT scan: all clear..meaning nothing else anywhere in my body
Wall Motion study: strong heart


That was the basic story of it. There were other parts such as my tumor was negative for estrogen cells which means drugs like Tamoxofin won't work, but really the news was great.  It meant that from a cellular level technically I was cancer free.BUT he explained this did not get me out of chemo...damn!

He went out of the room and discussed my report with Dr T and in comes Dr T who did a quick check and was thoroughly disappointed that he had to take all the lymph nodes when only one was positive... I was ok with this scenario. If they had a chance of being infected...take them, I don't want them. Then he basically signed my release form and said...see you in a year! Wow....but then again this is not a department you want to be a repeat visitor in.

I did ask if he had any idea what my chemo rounds would be. He didn't want to guess at all as he said...because of the size of your tumor you will have chemo probably followed by radiation but as for anything else...I have not idea. Well that makes two of us.

At this moment the reality of my original appointment hits me. If I hadn't pushed for an earlier mammogram I cannot image the size my tumor would have been. Dr T was bang on when he said "if you had waited until October there would be nothing I could do for you". He was right as the tumor has grown .5 cm just in the week and a half from the core biopsy to my surgery. Again I say BE YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. My story could be very different had I not been. I shudder at this thought.

As we wave good buy to Dr T and Dr. ? ..enter Nurse L. Who asks how I am feeling...this becomes a very common question asked by everyone..and has nothing to do with my physical health but rather my emotional stability.

I was great. As far as things that could have been in that report I had come out well. She did admit that she was very surprised I didn't have to come back in after I got the drains out. She took them out only because of my persistence but she did say to the other nurse "I really expect her to be back for drainage". Oh no...you see, once you let me get out the door....I am not so good at coming back....until you make me....I guess that means I would be a bad psych patient.

Hi Ho.....Hi Ho

Most people think I was crazy to go back to work two weeks after my surgery, but I think I would go crazy if I didn't. I do not recommend this venture for everyone but I have a desk job where I do not move around a whole lot. Unless I put on my headphones and start chair dancing. I did look up the average healing time which turned out to be 6 weeks...6 weeks with me at home not allowed to do anything would have not been good for anyone within a 100km radius. I am not good at not working!

One thing I was not prepared for were the questions I was asked as I left very abruptly two weeks ago. So the main story that went around was that I went on vacation. Not really a holiday if you ask me, but I tried to play along until I said...screw this...people I have cancer. I must admit a perverse side of me did get enjoyment from the jaw dropping. When you go from thinking I was on vacation to having cancer...it is a long distance for the brain workings to have to travel. I debated on telling not telling people but eventually when I go off for chemo I figured...they are going to know...so what difference did it make if they knew sooner?

It was quite liberating to tell people. This way, if my boobs were not in proper alignment at least there was a valid reason. Not sure what another reason would be though??? What was a little uncomfortable was that the second day I was back we started talking about the CIBC Run for the Cure. We had planned to put a team in before my diagnosis but now it seemed awkward. Some people did know...some people didn't know. Plus let's face it...this was a cause that was pretty near and dear now.

All in all my return to work was smooth. I did stop when I got tired but only went home early one day. And the true testament to my appearance came when one of the sales people came up to me a couple of weeks ago and said:

KS: So when is your next appointment
Me: Not until the first of October
KS: So will they discuss what they are going to do then
Me: I hope so
KS: So do you know if you are going to have a mastectomy or not?
Me: <dumbfounded look> ahhh I already had that
KS: <looking at my breast(s)> WHAT!

Damn...I guess the stuffing does work!