After the dawn

It has been four weeks since my surgery and it is had to believe how fast the time has gone. I will try to include as much detail as I can so be prepared there could be several posts to catch up to date. Leave it to me, to make procrastination drawn out longer than it should be.

Mom, Dad and I  (aka Momma and Poppa Bear) hunkered down into the hotel the night before my surgery. It was literally a two minute walk and the night was pretty uneventful except for the creepiest parking lot EVER. It is under construction and between the low ceilings and confined spaces I am surprised Dad and I never ran for the elevator.

I had a pretty sound sleep and woke easily and felt like I was almost skipping to the hospital. No snow had yet to come down but it was chilly. We arrived early, as I was with my on time parents as opposed to left to my own devices. The waiting room was filled with an odd mixture of people. The gum snapper...my dad's nemesis, the woman who came in her PJ's (apparently no one told her they supply johnny shirts, the smoker mom who looked chic but needed some aerosol.

The check in line opened up and the race was on. I hung back and waited as people seemed o miss the big sign that said "you will be called according to your surgery time". Not everyone can be the smart ones:)

It felt like forever before my name was called and off we went down the hall to our assigned preop chair #5.  Off I went to get changed and then back to wait. Dr. L showed up soon afterwards. Pulled the curtain and proceeded to create a road map on my body with the technically equipment of a couple of sharpie pens and a ruler. Moving and pushing my back and breasts. I am still unsure how he chooses where to draw the dots but I guess that is why he has "Dr" ahead of his name and I don't.

Dr. L leaves, but says he will see me in the operating room in an hour. Then we sit and wait, and wait and wait. Apparently Dr. L left my chart in the wrong area. Good thing the nurses are on the ball. The talk of the room is the impending storm and the snow begins to trickle down. After my vitals and information are confirmed the nurse brings over compression stockings to help with the circulation in my legs and avoid blood clots. Now if you have never seen these things let me begin by saying they are sooooo not sexy. Picture the tension bandages being wrapped from your toes all the way to the top of your legs and I do mean the top. They want your underwear off as I will probably have a catheter due to the length of my surgery. 

So here I am in my hospital issued johnny shirt, robe, slippers and compression bandages that make you want to walk far apart so the tops don't ride up into your vajayja. Yup I said it...awkward feeling. I do my "strut" down the hallway and as we pass each operating door I can feel the temperature getting cooler. We arrive at the last room and here we go. I have been waiting two years for this moment and I am ready. The group all make me feel welcome and I get up on the table. The nurse gently pulls down part of my johnny shirt and I look at the nurse and say.."seriously, you are going to see me naked in about two minutes. I don't need to be modest." She laughs and the next thing I know I am being stuck with stickers, pricked with a needle and 5,4,3,2,1...dreamland here I come.

Next stop boob land.

I'm in love

One day to go and we are expecting "the storm of the winter". I called the plastics office to ensure they had a game plan and sure enough they told me that my surgery would go ahead and not be cancelled. As a precaution, my parents have booked us into the hotel across the street from the hospital. That way all we have to do is make it 500 feet through the snow. Mind you at 100 km/hr winds that might be challenging in itself to walk anywhere, but I have determination.

This morning I actually took a picture of my breast. It is the last "solo" shot for 2014 and if for some crazy reason my surgery doesn't happen I will be heartbroken. Waiting two years for something is a long time that cannot come fast enough. Did I mention the nurses union is threatening striking as well?

I have had lots of people ask if I am nervous or excited and my word is more apprehensive. I am confident in the team of doctors and nurses who will be taking care of me but after the surgery will be the unknown.  What will my breasts look like, will I have drains, how much pain will I be in and how long will recovery take.  It is a big void of unknown.

What I do know is how much I am loved. Today I have had a flood of well wishes, emails, texts and phone calls. People are excited for me and are sending me thoughts of love. This is the end of my cancer journey and I am happy to be sharing it with those I love and surrounded by those who love me. I am one lucky girl and I'm in love with my life and look forward to my next journey. Whatever that may be.

Love you all
Jenn

So Close

My surgery date is within sight and I am filled with mixed emotions. Excited to finally put this chapter behind me and nervous about what to expect from the operation. What will the girls look like afterwards and how much pain will I really be in.

I wandered off to my appointment. Well that's a little bit of a lie. It was more like Mario Andretti driving, as my appointment was at 7am and at 7am I was still 5 minutes away from the hospital, not including parking. I called ahead to let them know I was running late and as I run up to the desk to check in I realized I had to sign a piece of paper and then sit down and wait....and wait...and wait...while the receptionists had their coffee break and talked about some personal going ons before waddling their way over to the sign in sheet and then call me.

I handed over my health card for check in and we went through what my morning would look like. Go downstairs to get blood work. See receptionist 1 NOT 2. Then come back up here and wait, then you will see a nurse, anaesthesiologist and get an EKG. Ok was not expecting blood work or an EKG but whatever.

Off I went to the blood collection room to Receptionist 1...who told me to drop my paper and have a seat. So I dropped my paper but apparently I had to go behind a 4' wide wall and sit in those three assigned seats. I came prepared and pulled out my book. I no sooner got through 2 pages and was called in. I explained that she should draw the blood from my left hand not right. Then she tried to find a vein. I explained as she put on the tourniquet that it is easier to draw from my hand, but she was determined to find one in the crook of my arm. She even put on two bands and then gave up and went for my hand...it took me alot not to smirk (I must be growing as a human being). The way she put it in hurt as she had to flick it up to get the blood to flow but I didn't care, just get it done!

Before I knew it I was out of there and back up to wait. Two more pages down and the nurse called me in. We went over my chart and allergies. Are you allergic to latex she asks? No I have issues with the adhesive, paper tape is fine. Ok, she said and made note of it. We went over somethings, like how to care for the dressing and what to bring for the hospital but she couldn't answer a lot of the questions I had and basically would find that out after the surgery. What questions?
1. How many drains will I have
2. Will they be out before I leave the hospital
3. Can you mark that I want my nubbin' gone
4. What prescription will the give me for pain
etc...
The only thing she could inform me is that I will be in pain...A LOT of it. I was prepared for the pain, but didn't need it reiterated.

Out I went to a smaller room and before I pulled out my book I was called in for my EKG. Wrong order but go with the flow. We chatted a bit and then I laid down and she started hooking me up to a variety of wires and even one on my foot. She looks at me and says, you're healthy. Yup!

Get dressed and back out to the waiting room. Pull out my book, finish the chapter and then barely got through the next page and was called by anaesthesiologist, well their resident anyways. Who went through my chart
A: You're allergic to latex?
Me: No, I have sensitivity to the adhesive.
A: What does it do?
Me: Causes blisters over my skin
A: Oh that's bad...
Me: yup!
A: Do you snore?
Me: (pause) Doesn't everyone?
A: Laughs...probably
Me: How would I know, I'm sleeping. (I'm a riot some days)
A: Laughs...good point
A: Do you have sleep apnea
Me: (pause) Let's just go with no
A: Has anyone noticed you stop breathing
Me: Only when they put a pillow over my face....too far?
A: Shakes his head
A: Do you have any caps or crowns.
Me: (I had a line for this but decided to forgo it) No caps and no crowns
A: Open your mouth
Me: What you don't believe me?
A: No I want to see if any of your teeth have spikes to them as the metal depressor can chip teeth
Me: WHAT?
A: I've never seen it happen but I have to forewarn people
A: Do you have problems with drugs
Me: Nope give them to me....drug me up...I'm no hero
A: Ok Ok I will see you on the 26th
Me: Yup Later

I am sure I am the talk of the lunch room after that one....and after 3 hours spent there they tell me I am healthy and ready to go. Really, I could have told you that in about 5 seconds and saved myself the time. Only 1.5 weeks to go:)

Beware of the Elephant

Some days I wake up perky as can be. Ready to take on the world to the point where someone needs to hit me with a bat. Then there are those other days. Where opening your eyes seems to be as much energy as you want to muster up and then the day just keeps rolling along from there.

My mother calls it "the day when an elephant is on your head". Today I feel like he is on my head and threatening to fart.  Trying to be productive at work is not happening (exhibit A, as I sit here writing this) and everyone around me seems to have the winter blahs as well. There is not enough caffeine in the building to make this day move faster.

Today would be a good day to curl up in a blanket on the couch with my book and doze in and out of sleep. I look at the clock and I still have 2.5 hours to go until I can sluggishly make my way to the car, drive home, walk through the door and crawl under my sheets and hope that tomorrow that darn elephant will have found his way back home.

How many more weeks until Spring?

Progress

So how has progress been going? Like all progress that is sustainable, it is going at a slow pace. I have changed my eating habits and noticed the first thing is that my food bill has gone up, but on the flip side I feel better. I find that my brain isn't racing at 80km/hr every night and just laying in bed and concentrating on breathing sends me off into a peaceful sleep. I have been doing lots of things with friends and my social calendar actually has most evenings booked..very unlike me.  So far I would rate my progress as a strong C+ but I have 23 days to go, so this week is about moving into the B's and bringing on my B game.

39 days and counting

I have a date!...for surgery.  March 26th. So between now and then I am focusing on me. Plain and simple. For the next 39 days I am going to concentrate on making the best me (physically) I can. This will not only help me heal faster but give me the confidence but the motivation I have been looking for. I will not be joining a gym and I will be doing this by myself. This is a personal challenge that I have made to myself so excuse me while I disconnect from the world.

My Pledge
1. I will eat healthily. This is not to say that a cinnamon crunch bagel will not make it into my diet, but it will be a reward not a regular thing.

2. I will go on two long walks per week. Consisting of one hour each. These are solo walks where I need to concentrate on moving my feet not chatting.

3. I will attempt to meditate once a week, even if it is for 10 minutes. This is a hard thing for me as turning off my brain is like trying to blow out a battery operated candle.

4. Yoga practice. I can do this at home or at the two studios I belong to and will do it two times per week.

5. When I am feeling blah I need to get up and get on the elliptical machine or do something for 20 minutes, even if it is dancing in my living room...curtains closed:)

I know my friends will want to join me and encourage me but for this time only I am going to decline, this is a personal journey of discovering myself and my strength alone. I will need your help after the surgery and love all of you for wanting to help. I will take your well wishes and even encourage you to take the same journey. I will keep you up to date on my progress....Here I go!

A lump in my throat

I don't think you ever forget the feeling of finding out you have cancer. The pit that falls to the bottom of your toes and drops out to the end of the earth. The mix of emotions that you and those around you feel and you do everything you can to keep it together, for the most part, but you are happy to be able to fall and have people you can count on when you can no longer stand up on your own.

Where am I going with this? I found a lump!

Now if you just had a pit in your stomach, I am going to have a "spoiler alert" and let you know it is a false alarm.

I started feeling pain about two months ago off and on in my left breast and it gradually kept getting more constant. I thought maybe it was the under wire in my bras and switched to non under wire bras and the pain persisted...and so did I. I felt my breast from top to bottom and if I could have dug my fingers into my rib cage I would have, then the worst thing a breast cancer survivor can find happened...I found a lump where the pain was. I thought that mayyyybeee I was looking for something that really wasn't there but to be on the safe side, I made a doctor's appointment. I also debated on telling my parents but thought no matter the outcome I wanted them to know...no secret rule!

I went to see my doctor who asked me why I had come in. I told him I needed a referral for an urgent mammogram to which he replied "how old are you? you shouldn't need a mammogram yet!"

SERIOUSLY MAN...could you not have  "skimmed my file" before you entered the room. So I went through the story,  he did a breast examine and yes- he too felt something in the pain spot. After I left my arm was tingling a bit on the left side and I went home and promptly got mad at the world but mainly my x-husband. Not to his face but in my mind...I gave him angry eyes! At the moment I needed a partner most, he was not there. Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support system in my life but there is something about curling up in bed and having your partner tell you everything will be alright no matter what, that can calm you like nothing else.

So I yelled at the walls instead had a slight mental breakdown and then realized, no matter what the outcome was small steps are the way to go. The lump this time felt different, it felt like someone was holding a match to my breast instead of stabbing me like last time. I called the hospital the next
morning to make sure my referral was received and I got an appointment for the next day. Self advocate all the way. Lesson learned.

Sleeping well the night before I took as a good sign that ultimately I should not be concerned and went to the appointment with determination, as this time I knew what to ask and look for. I snuck a peek at the mammogram slides and the technician confirmed she didn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to do the ultrasound to be sure as the spot I was feeling pain was hard to get at.

The radiologist confirmed nothing looked abnormal in my slides and began the ultrasound. Lots of dense tissue, but no "dark fluid pockets" like before. There was one highlighted dot which kept appearing which she summed up as a possible inflamed lymph node or a fatty cyst which had several blood vessels coming off of it which was unusual but nothing to be concerned about.....big sigh of relief.

The report will go back to my doctor after they look at it closer but glad I can breathe a big exhale. The thought of cancer returning is always there and I am vigilant about checking parts of me to the point where I am sure it could be considered self molestation, but I am glad that this year is starting off on the right foot with good news.

2014-- we might just get along!