The Morning After

Or should I say the continuation. I woke up from surgery around dinner time but the last thing on my mind was food. It was nice to look down and see two lumps, even if they were under bandages. You would think that in a hospital doped up, you would have a nice snooze, but not the case in my situation. Between the lady next to me and myself as well as the party nurse station outside our door, sleep was sporadic to say the least. Someone was either giving me drugs, checking my vitals, looking at my bandages, checking my catheter or doing the same to my roomie.

By morning I had drunk about 2 litres of water and was craving tea and an orange, and low and behold my poppa shows up with just that. Ahh where is mom? She had a slip and fall but is ok and resting. Great. two of us down. I was never so thankful to see an orange in my life, the juice wet my mouth and I was in a happy place. They brought me breakfast but I couldn't eat anything on the tray as I mentioned no dairy when I first checked in...and what did I have. Milk, tea, yogurt and oatmeal. A lot of beige and dairy! 

During the day it was a lot of the same as the night before except for a bright spot. Student nurses! I had a great little one who I felt bad for being a model patient as she wanted so much to help. She got me water and ice, fluffed my pillows, and got me drugs! I'm sure if I wanted her to take notes or make phone calls she would have. My roomies student was not as keen so mine took over helping her too!

I had more visitors than I anticipated and when you are in the hospital, people on the outside bring you things...AWESOME things. I had magazines, wet wipes, snacks galore and even got jewelry! My friends rock. My roomie and I shared our treats back and forth but I was the rebel out of the two of us. Mind you, she had the belly surgery so her mobility was up to mine. By the end of day two I had had enough of the compression stockings and those suckers were gone. I was willing to take my chances. I found my leg warmers made my momma and I was good to go. Warm feet and legs and freedom from those awful stockings. 

The next morning I did get tisk tisk looks from the doctors but also lots of compliments on my leg warmers, in my world it all evens out. With the getting better also comes them taking out my IV..yeah and catheter. Now you would think I would be excited by the latter, but truth been known I enjoyed not having to get up but yet drink lots of water. Now that lots of water meant attempting to get out of bed and make it to the washroom. It was only 10 steps away but those 10 steps took 20 minutes, so decreasing the liquid consumption began. Had it not been for my external snacks I would have starved as the food that came my way was blech. Until day 3, as I was being released, did the lactose free food start arriving. When you have to ask what the food is...that is a bad sign. I am thankful I was not all that hungry.

The end of day two they decided it was time for me to go for a walk. My student helped me up and we started slowly down the hall. I got to the nurses station and felt like passing out was in my near future so back to bed I went. Not one to give up, later on that evening as my roomies family came to visit, I got myself up and shuffled down to the lounge area. Sat down, called a friend, and shuffled back. 

By the next morning the doctors and I agreed I was good to be released! In on Wednesday out on Friday, all good in my world. get me out. Throw my stuff in a suitcase (which my student did) and let's go. I asked for a porter who i know but instead I got Mario Andriette who weaved me through the back alleys of the hospital and I felt like I was going to hit desks and chairs along the way. I already had enough scars and bruises I didnt need any more. Plus I was still on morphine and things coming at you feel like a lot faster than I am sure they are.  

Mom and Dad hadn't even had a chance to get the car out of the garage yet and I was at the front being dumped off. One thing I wasn't thinking about was the fact that my parents had brought their very large, very high truck down. The large part was great, but trying to get up and in the vehicle in my delicate state was not the easiest. I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I got in. Thankfully I do not live too far away and bed was my friend once I got home and settled. 

My parents were going to stay with me for a bit as well as I was unable to take care of a lot of tasks by myself. So dreamland was only an eyelid shut away....until about 2am.

After the dawn

It has been four weeks since my surgery and it is had to believe how fast the time has gone. I will try to include as much detail as I can so be prepared there could be several posts to catch up to date. Leave it to me, to make procrastination drawn out longer than it should be.

Mom, Dad and I  (aka Momma and Poppa Bear) hunkered down into the hotel the night before my surgery. It was literally a two minute walk and the night was pretty uneventful except for the creepiest parking lot EVER. It is under construction and between the low ceilings and confined spaces I am surprised Dad and I never ran for the elevator.

I had a pretty sound sleep and woke easily and felt like I was almost skipping to the hospital. No snow had yet to come down but it was chilly. We arrived early, as I was with my on time parents as opposed to left to my own devices. The waiting room was filled with an odd mixture of people. The gum snapper...my dad's nemesis, the woman who came in her PJ's (apparently no one told her they supply johnny shirts, the smoker mom who looked chic but needed some aerosol.

The check in line opened up and the race was on. I hung back and waited as people seemed o miss the big sign that said "you will be called according to your surgery time". Not everyone can be the smart ones:)

It felt like forever before my name was called and off we went down the hall to our assigned preop chair #5.  Off I went to get changed and then back to wait. Dr. L showed up soon afterwards. Pulled the curtain and proceeded to create a road map on my body with the technically equipment of a couple of sharpie pens and a ruler. Moving and pushing my back and breasts. I am still unsure how he chooses where to draw the dots but I guess that is why he has "Dr" ahead of his name and I don't.

Dr. L leaves, but says he will see me in the operating room in an hour. Then we sit and wait, and wait and wait. Apparently Dr. L left my chart in the wrong area. Good thing the nurses are on the ball. The talk of the room is the impending storm and the snow begins to trickle down. After my vitals and information are confirmed the nurse brings over compression stockings to help with the circulation in my legs and avoid blood clots. Now if you have never seen these things let me begin by saying they are sooooo not sexy. Picture the tension bandages being wrapped from your toes all the way to the top of your legs and I do mean the top. They want your underwear off as I will probably have a catheter due to the length of my surgery. 

So here I am in my hospital issued johnny shirt, robe, slippers and compression bandages that make you want to walk far apart so the tops don't ride up into your vajayja. Yup I said it...awkward feeling. I do my "strut" down the hallway and as we pass each operating door I can feel the temperature getting cooler. We arrive at the last room and here we go. I have been waiting two years for this moment and I am ready. The group all make me feel welcome and I get up on the table. The nurse gently pulls down part of my johnny shirt and I look at the nurse and say.."seriously, you are going to see me naked in about two minutes. I don't need to be modest." She laughs and the next thing I know I am being stuck with stickers, pricked with a needle and 5,4,3,2,1...dreamland here I come.

Next stop boob land.

I'm in love

One day to go and we are expecting "the storm of the winter". I called the plastics office to ensure they had a game plan and sure enough they told me that my surgery would go ahead and not be cancelled. As a precaution, my parents have booked us into the hotel across the street from the hospital. That way all we have to do is make it 500 feet through the snow. Mind you at 100 km/hr winds that might be challenging in itself to walk anywhere, but I have determination.

This morning I actually took a picture of my breast. It is the last "solo" shot for 2014 and if for some crazy reason my surgery doesn't happen I will be heartbroken. Waiting two years for something is a long time that cannot come fast enough. Did I mention the nurses union is threatening striking as well?

I have had lots of people ask if I am nervous or excited and my word is more apprehensive. I am confident in the team of doctors and nurses who will be taking care of me but after the surgery will be the unknown.  What will my breasts look like, will I have drains, how much pain will I be in and how long will recovery take.  It is a big void of unknown.

What I do know is how much I am loved. Today I have had a flood of well wishes, emails, texts and phone calls. People are excited for me and are sending me thoughts of love. This is the end of my cancer journey and I am happy to be sharing it with those I love and surrounded by those who love me. I am one lucky girl and I'm in love with my life and look forward to my next journey. Whatever that may be.

Love you all
Jenn

So Close

My surgery date is within sight and I am filled with mixed emotions. Excited to finally put this chapter behind me and nervous about what to expect from the operation. What will the girls look like afterwards and how much pain will I really be in.

I wandered off to my appointment. Well that's a little bit of a lie. It was more like Mario Andretti driving, as my appointment was at 7am and at 7am I was still 5 minutes away from the hospital, not including parking. I called ahead to let them know I was running late and as I run up to the desk to check in I realized I had to sign a piece of paper and then sit down and wait....and wait...and wait...while the receptionists had their coffee break and talked about some personal going ons before waddling their way over to the sign in sheet and then call me.

I handed over my health card for check in and we went through what my morning would look like. Go downstairs to get blood work. See receptionist 1 NOT 2. Then come back up here and wait, then you will see a nurse, anaesthesiologist and get an EKG. Ok was not expecting blood work or an EKG but whatever.

Off I went to the blood collection room to Receptionist 1...who told me to drop my paper and have a seat. So I dropped my paper but apparently I had to go behind a 4' wide wall and sit in those three assigned seats. I came prepared and pulled out my book. I no sooner got through 2 pages and was called in. I explained that she should draw the blood from my left hand not right. Then she tried to find a vein. I explained as she put on the tourniquet that it is easier to draw from my hand, but she was determined to find one in the crook of my arm. She even put on two bands and then gave up and went for my hand...it took me alot not to smirk (I must be growing as a human being). The way she put it in hurt as she had to flick it up to get the blood to flow but I didn't care, just get it done!

Before I knew it I was out of there and back up to wait. Two more pages down and the nurse called me in. We went over my chart and allergies. Are you allergic to latex she asks? No I have issues with the adhesive, paper tape is fine. Ok, she said and made note of it. We went over somethings, like how to care for the dressing and what to bring for the hospital but she couldn't answer a lot of the questions I had and basically would find that out after the surgery. What questions?
1. How many drains will I have
2. Will they be out before I leave the hospital
3. Can you mark that I want my nubbin' gone
4. What prescription will the give me for pain
etc...
The only thing she could inform me is that I will be in pain...A LOT of it. I was prepared for the pain, but didn't need it reiterated.

Out I went to a smaller room and before I pulled out my book I was called in for my EKG. Wrong order but go with the flow. We chatted a bit and then I laid down and she started hooking me up to a variety of wires and even one on my foot. She looks at me and says, you're healthy. Yup!

Get dressed and back out to the waiting room. Pull out my book, finish the chapter and then barely got through the next page and was called by anaesthesiologist, well their resident anyways. Who went through my chart
A: You're allergic to latex?
Me: No, I have sensitivity to the adhesive.
A: What does it do?
Me: Causes blisters over my skin
A: Oh that's bad...
Me: yup!
A: Do you snore?
Me: (pause) Doesn't everyone?
A: Laughs...probably
Me: How would I know, I'm sleeping. (I'm a riot some days)
A: Laughs...good point
A: Do you have sleep apnea
Me: (pause) Let's just go with no
A: Has anyone noticed you stop breathing
Me: Only when they put a pillow over my face....too far?
A: Shakes his head
A: Do you have any caps or crowns.
Me: (I had a line for this but decided to forgo it) No caps and no crowns
A: Open your mouth
Me: What you don't believe me?
A: No I want to see if any of your teeth have spikes to them as the metal depressor can chip teeth
Me: WHAT?
A: I've never seen it happen but I have to forewarn people
A: Do you have problems with drugs
Me: Nope give them to me....drug me up...I'm no hero
A: Ok Ok I will see you on the 26th
Me: Yup Later

I am sure I am the talk of the lunch room after that one....and after 3 hours spent there they tell me I am healthy and ready to go. Really, I could have told you that in about 5 seconds and saved myself the time. Only 1.5 weeks to go:)

Beware of the Elephant

Some days I wake up perky as can be. Ready to take on the world to the point where someone needs to hit me with a bat. Then there are those other days. Where opening your eyes seems to be as much energy as you want to muster up and then the day just keeps rolling along from there.

My mother calls it "the day when an elephant is on your head". Today I feel like he is on my head and threatening to fart.  Trying to be productive at work is not happening (exhibit A, as I sit here writing this) and everyone around me seems to have the winter blahs as well. There is not enough caffeine in the building to make this day move faster.

Today would be a good day to curl up in a blanket on the couch with my book and doze in and out of sleep. I look at the clock and I still have 2.5 hours to go until I can sluggishly make my way to the car, drive home, walk through the door and crawl under my sheets and hope that tomorrow that darn elephant will have found his way back home.

How many more weeks until Spring?

Progress

So how has progress been going? Like all progress that is sustainable, it is going at a slow pace. I have changed my eating habits and noticed the first thing is that my food bill has gone up, but on the flip side I feel better. I find that my brain isn't racing at 80km/hr every night and just laying in bed and concentrating on breathing sends me off into a peaceful sleep. I have been doing lots of things with friends and my social calendar actually has most evenings booked..very unlike me.  So far I would rate my progress as a strong C+ but I have 23 days to go, so this week is about moving into the B's and bringing on my B game.

39 days and counting

I have a date!...for surgery.  March 26th. So between now and then I am focusing on me. Plain and simple. For the next 39 days I am going to concentrate on making the best me (physically) I can. This will not only help me heal faster but give me the confidence but the motivation I have been looking for. I will not be joining a gym and I will be doing this by myself. This is a personal challenge that I have made to myself so excuse me while I disconnect from the world.

My Pledge
1. I will eat healthily. This is not to say that a cinnamon crunch bagel will not make it into my diet, but it will be a reward not a regular thing.

2. I will go on two long walks per week. Consisting of one hour each. These are solo walks where I need to concentrate on moving my feet not chatting.

3. I will attempt to meditate once a week, even if it is for 10 minutes. This is a hard thing for me as turning off my brain is like trying to blow out a battery operated candle.

4. Yoga practice. I can do this at home or at the two studios I belong to and will do it two times per week.

5. When I am feeling blah I need to get up and get on the elliptical machine or do something for 20 minutes, even if it is dancing in my living room...curtains closed:)

I know my friends will want to join me and encourage me but for this time only I am going to decline, this is a personal journey of discovering myself and my strength alone. I will need your help after the surgery and love all of you for wanting to help. I will take your well wishes and even encourage you to take the same journey. I will keep you up to date on my progress....Here I go!