Girl Time

Since I have decided to put the world of men on hold temporarily, I thought why not turn to women. Now don't start thinking things, I still like men. Having girlfriends is the best thing. The top 10 reasons why girlfriends are better right now

10. They don't care if I can cook, only that I know where the best cocktails are
9. They can make you laugh until your belly hurts by dumping a tire on their head
8. They will help and even promote you going into the woods during hunting season to chop down trees without an orange vest on as it would ruin your outfit
7. Impractical footwear is a given for any occasion
6. Boy watching is encouraged if not a mandatory event
5. Shopping is one of their favourite activities even if it is at Sobeys
4. Wine over whining is considered fun times
3. They feel your pain over a broken nail or a lost lip gloss
2. They also have bad hair days but have a drawer full of hair products to help
1. Girls, plain and simple, really do just want to have fun

Thank you to my closest besties

Donkey Riding

Eeek, have you looked around and seen what is out there...to date I mean. It has been a long time since I have been part of the game of the dating world and a lot has changed. Heaven forbid people meet in casual ways, now they want to date and review you on line. The pressure. If I don't have enough body issues currently, add rejection to your profile as another one.

Get back in the saddle again they say, sigh, the saddle seems too high. Maybe I will just sit back and polish the saddle while other go off riding.

Seriously, how do you even begin to THINK about the world of dating. Every time you turn around someone has a story about stalkers or just plain crazies coming out. I am too old to fix anyone and frankly if you have mommy or daddy issues...STAY AWAY. The thought hurts my head too much, I am going to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate until spring.

Decisions Decisions

Over the past month a lot of decisions have been made and my brain power has been maxed out. While my personal life has been in turmoil with my emotions stuck on the biggest roller coaster with way too many loops for me to hold my cookies, my work life has also been chaotic. Wondering whether or not I will be able to afford to keep working at my place of employment or will I have to find a job that pays more. On top of it all work was very busy and longer hours were needed.

I spent most nights coming home, walking my dog (who is always happy to see me) shoving in some food to stop the growlies and going to bed. I felt like I was in a constant state of zombie. Until I woke up one day and thought "alright you" decisions need to be made. I started making small decisions everyday to lead up to the bigger ones, like where was I going to live...kind of important. Stressing out over getting a mortgage on my own and attempting to move on with my life as a single took more courage than facing cancer. With cancer the decisions were really made for me. The decisions I now needed to make were not about life or death but about survival of my mental state.

The first big decision I made was about my body. What did I want it to look like? I stood one day in front of a full length mirror..NAKED! Which any woman knows is intimating on its own. I looked side to side. Tightened and loosened skin and thought what did I want to do about my boob job and what would be best for me. I decided a "lift kit" on the left side would bring the poor tired lonely one back to it rightful place. Right beside her new perky implant friend. Who would be constructed from my back muscle. I would say "so long" to my nubin' and just like that ...one major decision down.

Next I started bringing home boxes to pack up some things of my husbands and asked him to move out the piano that was a bone of contention for the past several years. After that, the decisions just kept rolling.

I woke up one morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. I started looking around at bare spots where possessions once were lovingly placed and thought..."they are just things". What really matters is that I am going to be alright.

Loosing your best friend

I said at the beginning of this blog that I would hold nothing back, well I lied. I have been going through something so painful I don't even know where to begin. I am loosing my best friend. My husband and I have separated.

While I will not spread the full details across the internet I will say that at our wedding his mother read a poem about always having enough in your life. I had more than enough in mine, but unfortunately B does not feel the same way and therefore has decided to move on.

I am grateful for the 13 wonderful years we had together, all of the laughter and love, the good times and even the bad. He was my comic relief and I his. I could not have gone through my cancer without his love and support, which is what makes this break so difficult. He is truly my best friend and it is too painful to hold that friendship close at this time in order to heal and move forward in my life.

We built a home and life together and it is hard to imagine that torn apart as it is hard not to see him everyday and tell him funny things that only he would get. Like a Massachusetts license plate. My mother actual put it the best way I can say it. "He loves you, just not enough for the next 30 years".

Please excuse my blog absence while my heart heals.

In a child's eyes

I am lucky to have the friends I do. Over the years I have "collected" a group who would do anything for me and I them and I love them all in different ways...but I must admit there are two "little people" who have stolen my heart.

I always thought I would have children or at least a child, but the laws of the universe decided otherwise for me. I have friends who have children and I have seen the good and bad sides of all of them. I am like an aunt who gets to go home at the end of the night when they are wound for sound and eyes all sleepy. So one could say I get the best of both worlds.

Connecting to girls was easy as I have been there and even though in times of ever changing technology, girls still like the same things. They like to be heard, preened over and generally loved with hugs and kisses. I have never been quite sure what to do with little boys though. I am not the rough and tumble sort and I have always been unsure of what to talk to them about.

So where am I going with this?

I have two friend R & J who have two children M & K. They are by no means perfect (sorry guys for that update!) but they are real and true to the core. R would get into trouble with me and never let our secret out -unless someone threatened her with bugs. J is a great house husband and someday we will get him books to learn how to expand that talent. Their daughter M is the best mix of girls gone wild and tomboy all rolled into one. She is part fish and part drama queen. K is the little avenger who has the biggest smile and tackle you hugs. He is a boy's boy through and through.

Every time I go to their house chaos has arrived before me(Yes, every time!). With a cat on death watch (for the past 10 years) and noise and toys from one end to the other, I never feel more at home when I am there. Whether it is playing in the pool, or howling at rock band (Death Pants is now on Mall tours), hanging out watching comedy shows or playing nerf darts to the death life is always fun. It might also have to do with the wine.

They may not be the perfect family but they are pretty perfect in my eyes. And lets face it, each time I arrive the kids run out the door or down the stairs to greet me, with their arms open wide for big hugs over the excitement that you have arrived. We always joke about the fact that if R & J ever died I would take the kids in a heartbeat....and I gladly would after all when you ask K what he is doing and he says "I want to give you a hug" with his 1000 watt smile...really...how could you ever say no?

Personal Boundaries

I have been waiting for my meeting with the Plastic Surgeon for what feels like FOREVER. So you would think I would be bright eyed and ready to go for my 8:10am appointment...well you would be wrong. I had trouble shaking the cobwebs from my brain and caffeine was not helping them. I rushed through the shower only to realize I was already running late. I am sure I committed about 20 traffic violations, plugged all of my change into the meter and ran like a mad women to his office. I literally sat down to catch my breathe at 8:20am and was immediately called in.

She was worried I was going to cancel and I was worried the police were on my tail from the Subaru I wanted to "cautiously bump". I was asked to fill out a form, which looked very familiar to others I had filled out, but hospital departments do not share. Next comes in intern A looking very young. He asks some basic questions like "When was your mastectomy". Half way through our conversation I realized I had skipped a year and it had been two years since my surgery...I guess time is moving along. He handed me a Johnny shirt (ties forward) and left to go consult with Dr. L. I got changed and got up on the examination table.

I looked at my toes and decided I needed a pedicure, probably should have shaved my legs, decided that if I grew 2 more inches my feet would actually touch the step stool...and where the hell were they.  Next thing I know in pops Dr L who introduces himself along with intern A and low and behold intern B! Dr L asks if I mind another intern and I am thinking that at this point the janitor could come in and I wouldn't care.

Dr L directs me towards the chair and Intern A and B sit on the examination table...I guess I should have done up the Johnny shirt as everyone is getting comfy. Dr L goes through 3 options which he believes would suit my case best.
Option A: Expander Implant (stick in a blow up balloon and fill it up over time)
Option B:Latissmus Dorsi Flap (Take a muscle from my back which apparently I rarely use and bring it forward and add an implant in to make the breast)
Option C: Tram Flap ( tummy tuck and boob in one)

I asked how many times he had made the spiel, with the interns snickering and Dr L smiling. "A lot" was his response...can't fool me. I figure if you are going to check me out I had better make sure you are my guy.

Each option has their pros and cons but Option B sounds best to me for my right side now what to do about the existing left side? I think it is odd that making the decision about what procedure to get with my right breast was easy but what to do with my existing breast is difficult.

Do I do a skin/nipple sparing surgery and have an implant put in. Do I get a mastectomy and make them even and get rid of any possible reoccurrence, or do I leave well enough alone. I have a bit of time to make this decision so I will weigh all of the options in my mind and come up with a plan.  So stay tuned on that one. Next came the sizing option, did I want bigger, smaller or current size. I decided my current size has done me well thus far so I guess I will continue.

Now came the examination part. If you ever had a fantasy about three men at the same time...then don't look now but it was not what you would imagine. I was lifted touched, maneuvered, described...had pictures taken of from all angles including showing my belly fat and nipple placement. Sexy oh yeah. What I did discover was that I have good nipple placement (you should have seen me when I had two..ahem) and not enough belly fat (stop, you will make me blush..but can you tell my pants that).

I was then given the opportunity to get dressed and ask if I had any questions or wanted to see pictures of other patients. I decided that for now I need to make up my mind based upon what is right for me as opposed to letting vanity take its course of worrying about scar lines.

Now I need to see my surgeon and have a left breast talk and then make my decision...yikes! I can't wait until I can show them off...watch out wet t-shirt contests!

What makes you happy

I recently read an article describing the 5 biggest regrets people have in their life. 5 Regrets I may not be at the end of my life yet, but I look back and I have very few regrets in my life and I feel that if I went back and changed them my life going forward would be different as well. I am lucky to have lots of love that surrounds me daily, I know who I am, and more importantly who I am not and I know what makes me happy in life. Here is jut a glimpse of things that make me happy:

1. My family. We may disagree but when the going gets tough I know they are there for me no matter what. The stories I could tell, but might be given the silent treatment for some of them. From my mother calling my father at work to blame him for events he could not control ie the cows on the highway to my middle brother and the stories he tells, he should have been a comedian or a politician. My extended family for the laughs we have had over poop..still wish they were about sex:)

2. Cartwheels and skipping. No matter how old I get, doing a cartwheel makes me feel like I am six years old again. This can also be felt with somersaults, skipping along or making bubbles in your milk.

3. Laying on my back and feeling the warmth of the sun. Lots of people complain about the heat but I am a sun worshipper all the way.

4. Laughter. I love the fits of laughing so hard that you try to stop only to start up again. Laughing until it hurts is the best.

5. Accomplishments. I may not have climbed Mount Everest, become the CEO of a company or found a cure for a disease, but I have been a good friend, wife, daughter, sister and fur baby momma for which I am proud. Being true to yourself is, in my opinion, your biggest accomplishment.

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,

it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann was an attorney turned philosopher-poet who live in Terre Haute, Ind. He spent his life wrestling with the realities of making a living and following his personal calling to a life of poetry, literature, and thought. He wrote A Prayer, which became a message of hope for thousands, but he is best known for Desiderata, which he wrote for himself, "because it counsels those virtues I felt myself most in need of." Max included this work as part of a personal Christmas greeting in 1933, and Desiderata's power and appeal have continued to reach out to and significantly affect readers ever since. He died in 1945.