Personal Boundaries

I have been waiting for my meeting with the Plastic Surgeon for what feels like FOREVER. So you would think I would be bright eyed and ready to go for my 8:10am appointment...well you would be wrong. I had trouble shaking the cobwebs from my brain and caffeine was not helping them. I rushed through the shower only to realize I was already running late. I am sure I committed about 20 traffic violations, plugged all of my change into the meter and ran like a mad women to his office. I literally sat down to catch my breathe at 8:20am and was immediately called in.

She was worried I was going to cancel and I was worried the police were on my tail from the Subaru I wanted to "cautiously bump". I was asked to fill out a form, which looked very familiar to others I had filled out, but hospital departments do not share. Next comes in intern A looking very young. He asks some basic questions like "When was your mastectomy". Half way through our conversation I realized I had skipped a year and it had been two years since my surgery...I guess time is moving along. He handed me a Johnny shirt (ties forward) and left to go consult with Dr. L. I got changed and got up on the examination table.

I looked at my toes and decided I needed a pedicure, probably should have shaved my legs, decided that if I grew 2 more inches my feet would actually touch the step stool...and where the hell were they.  Next thing I know in pops Dr L who introduces himself along with intern A and low and behold intern B! Dr L asks if I mind another intern and I am thinking that at this point the janitor could come in and I wouldn't care.

Dr L directs me towards the chair and Intern A and B sit on the examination table...I guess I should have done up the Johnny shirt as everyone is getting comfy. Dr L goes through 3 options which he believes would suit my case best.
Option A: Expander Implant (stick in a blow up balloon and fill it up over time)
Option B:Latissmus Dorsi Flap (Take a muscle from my back which apparently I rarely use and bring it forward and add an implant in to make the breast)
Option C: Tram Flap ( tummy tuck and boob in one)

I asked how many times he had made the spiel, with the interns snickering and Dr L smiling. "A lot" was his response...can't fool me. I figure if you are going to check me out I had better make sure you are my guy.

Each option has their pros and cons but Option B sounds best to me for my right side now what to do about the existing left side? I think it is odd that making the decision about what procedure to get with my right breast was easy but what to do with my existing breast is difficult.

Do I do a skin/nipple sparing surgery and have an implant put in. Do I get a mastectomy and make them even and get rid of any possible reoccurrence, or do I leave well enough alone. I have a bit of time to make this decision so I will weigh all of the options in my mind and come up with a plan.  So stay tuned on that one. Next came the sizing option, did I want bigger, smaller or current size. I decided my current size has done me well thus far so I guess I will continue.

Now came the examination part. If you ever had a fantasy about three men at the same time...then don't look now but it was not what you would imagine. I was lifted touched, maneuvered, described...had pictures taken of from all angles including showing my belly fat and nipple placement. Sexy oh yeah. What I did discover was that I have good nipple placement (you should have seen me when I had two..ahem) and not enough belly fat (stop, you will make me blush..but can you tell my pants that).

I was then given the opportunity to get dressed and ask if I had any questions or wanted to see pictures of other patients. I decided that for now I need to make up my mind based upon what is right for me as opposed to letting vanity take its course of worrying about scar lines.

Now I need to see my surgeon and have a left breast talk and then make my decision...yikes! I can't wait until I can show them off...watch out wet t-shirt contests!

What makes you happy

I recently read an article describing the 5 biggest regrets people have in their life. 5 Regrets I may not be at the end of my life yet, but I look back and I have very few regrets in my life and I feel that if I went back and changed them my life going forward would be different as well. I am lucky to have lots of love that surrounds me daily, I know who I am, and more importantly who I am not and I know what makes me happy in life. Here is jut a glimpse of things that make me happy:

1. My family. We may disagree but when the going gets tough I know they are there for me no matter what. The stories I could tell, but might be given the silent treatment for some of them. From my mother calling my father at work to blame him for events he could not control ie the cows on the highway to my middle brother and the stories he tells, he should have been a comedian or a politician. My extended family for the laughs we have had over poop..still wish they were about sex:)

2. Cartwheels and skipping. No matter how old I get, doing a cartwheel makes me feel like I am six years old again. This can also be felt with somersaults, skipping along or making bubbles in your milk.

3. Laying on my back and feeling the warmth of the sun. Lots of people complain about the heat but I am a sun worshipper all the way.

4. Laughter. I love the fits of laughing so hard that you try to stop only to start up again. Laughing until it hurts is the best.

5. Accomplishments. I may not have climbed Mount Everest, become the CEO of a company or found a cure for a disease, but I have been a good friend, wife, daughter, sister and fur baby momma for which I am proud. Being true to yourself is, in my opinion, your biggest accomplishment.

The Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble,

it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann was an attorney turned philosopher-poet who live in Terre Haute, Ind. He spent his life wrestling with the realities of making a living and following his personal calling to a life of poetry, literature, and thought. He wrote A Prayer, which became a message of hope for thousands, but he is best known for Desiderata, which he wrote for himself, "because it counsels those virtues I felt myself most in need of." Max included this work as part of a personal Christmas greeting in 1933, and Desiderata's power and appeal have continued to reach out to and significantly affect readers ever since. He died in 1945.

In the swing of things

So a couple of my ladies and I have decided that retirement is <hopefully> not that far off and it is time to look towards the future. And what do most people do in retirement? Drink, eat, drive a golf cart/3 wheel bike around parks and golf.

So I guess it is time to take up golf since we know how to do the other pieces. We decided to go to the driving range a couple of times to see if we could actually hit the ball before making complete and utter asses of ourselves. Guess we should have thought about that before standing next to people who could hit the ball. I felt the breeze as my club went over the ball and spent a lot of time swatting away black flies. All in all I actually hit the ball quite a few times, even though some of them only rolled down the hill.

We decided golf lessons were needed. We hooked ourselves up with Don the golf guy. Don has a simple method to teaching golf and basically if you set yourself up right you will hit the ball. In the beginning we thought "easier said than done". After our first lesson we were thinking we had done well. After our second lesson DOGG was ecstatic (his actual word) about our progress.

While we are far from joining the PGA tour we might actually make it to a Par 3 course by Fall.

Some things to remember that we have learnt:
1. You may not need to wear golf shoes at the driving range but cute flip flops don't work either and cause the men folk to roll their eyes
2. You bend over to put the golf on the tee a lot so make sure your sports bra doesn't lift up over "the girls" and that your prosthetic is securely in place.
3. Hitting the ball into someone else's box is not an acceptable practice
4. If you don't practice in between lessons...it shows...!
5. There are a lot of "serious golfers" out there who shun the talk of my friends dating life openly...ahh they just wish she was interested in them
6. Using left handed clubs when you are right handed make things difficult but not impossible
7. Squealing from excitement when you hit the ball right causes you to be the centre of attention
8. WEAR BUG SCREEN...you cannot swat bugs with your irons, well you can you just wont kill anything
9. When it is hot out, a hat is good to avoid heat stroke
10. Always golf with close girl friends as they will laugh with you and at you all at the same time

Mixed Emotions

My father has gotten kidney stones almost every year for the past several years, but this is only the second time he has made it to the "blasting zone". Last week he came down at the crack of dawn and was almost home before I went to work. He was to come back a week later at a much more reasonable hour of the day for additional blasting. Yes he looked like he was starting his own beach with the amount of stones coming out of him.

I called down and they said he was in pre-op. So I ventured down to the hospital to go hang out with my momma in the waiting room for awhile. I have not driven to this hospital since my final sign off and had mixed feelings about walking through the doors. Poppa was on the tenth floor and chemo had been on the 11th. It felt odd as the elevator went up the floors.

I am excited to close this chapter in my life and move on and I think this elevator ride was a way to start the closure. Even though my dad had been in and out and the hospitals records had not been updated to show this by the time I got there, I am glad I went to the hospital. Sign off is one thing but closure is a whole other part of healing.

Ups and Downs

Life likes to throw you curve balls. It has been a while since I have taken the time to sit down and compile my thoughts. Lately my thoughts have been jumbled between home, work and looking out at the rainy weather isn't helping me either. Just when you think "what else can I handle", a ray of sunshine breaks through! 

I finally have my consultation appointment with my plastic surgeon. It is the best birthday present I could ask for and maybe I will be getting a boob job for Christmas! Ho Ho Hoooo!

In all of this craziness that is my life a moment of laughter came through:

The other day I decided I was going to mow the front lawn. It has been non stop raining lately and I saw a break in the rain and decided I had better get out there and mow it before it became a hay field. So I threw on a pair of shorts and a snug-ish t-shirt and off I went.

We have a "reel mower= manual" so stopping occasionally to talk to our neighbor and wave at one of our other neighbours gives me a moment to catch my breath. Finished the mowing and was a hot sweaty mess, so I went inside to take a shower and realized that my prosthetic was laying on the bed. I quickly look down and realized that I was currently the "one boob wonder". I guess if the neighbours had ever wondered about whether or not I had had surgery the rumor mill can stop. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself what would we all laugh at. sigh.

Changing focus

I think too much of life is focused on the negative, instead of looking around for the positives. I am no exception to this rule. It is easier to see the bad than the good, but it how you refocus your priorities that matter <personal opinion alert!>.

In my earlier life, I was very selfish as most twenty-somethings are. As I matured, I began to think of people around me and what would make them happy. Sometimes concentrating too hard on this and loosing myself in the midst. My forties were a wake up call. I started them with a diagnosis of cancer and then had to shift my priorities. I had to take time for me first and everything else second and further down the line.

I took each day as it came at me and found that I had a lot more peace within myself when I didn't focus on the negative around me but tried to find the positive. Sometimes it is easy to falter and go back into the woe is me attitude, but I have decided to take some advice from myself and make one positive step forward. Each day I will remind myself that no matter what life throws at me I can be thankful for something which brings me joy, happiness and/or peace. It doesn't have to be a monumental thing, it is about looking for something rather than letting it find you.

Today my joy is: watching my sleeping pup with his head on a pillow and not a care in the world. Looking at him gives me a feeling of joy and endless love.

There is always a reason

A long time ago I read the book the Celestine Prophecy which is basically about one mans journey to enlightenment. What has stuck with me from the book is that each person we meet has a message for us whether we take the time to find it out is a different story. Have you ever been thinking of someone that you haven't seen in years and then all of a sudden see them several times? Basically that is the jest. Nothing is a coincidence but it is what you make of the moment that determines your path.

What am I getting at?

There are good days and bad days. Lately I have been kind of in the dumps and today I had a conversation with a lady who has had breast cancer. She is one of my clients who makes me laugh with her exuberant nature. She is part of a paddling group and keeps encouraging me to come out after reconstruction. Normally we just have a friendly chat when she comes in but today she stayed longer and we spoke more about her "story". People have told me how strong willed I am and how they admire my attitude during my treatment. Well until you have met M you don't know bravery at all.

She went through her treatment almost 20 years ago. Had to have 3 surgeries to get rid of the cancer. Had cobalt treatment as she refused chemo..which makes chemo seem like a walk in the park. Since her surgeries she has had several more for other reasons, severe allergic reactions and recently a broken arm where she was in a cast from her shoulder to her wrist. During her remarkable story she was more worried with others around her while she did not seem to take pity on herself. She is single and is going through all of this with the help of a couple of close friends and a very positive attitude.

I believe M came and told me her story today to lift my spirits and realize that I am thankful for all of the love and support I have. Everyone has good and bad days and now when I get down I am going to think of M and realize that every cloud has a silver lining and mine is named Marilyn.