Happy Anniversay...to me

It is truly amazing what a difference a year makes. This time last year I was just as happy as I am today. The difference is I was heading into my last radiation treatment with my skin falling apart and today I am back together but still have a slight tan in the radiation region. Over the past year I have concentrated on a healthy mind and spirit and this coming year is going to be continuing but adding in the healthy body part.

I have had great support from my family and friends and strangely from people I have never known before. I am not an emotional person but I do have tears in my eyes as I think of all that I have been given in the past year and how truly lucky I am. Yes I have HAD cancer but I have one year down and many more to go.

I feel stronger than ever and have climbed to the top of the mountain. I have stood and paused for a moment to look out over the land and now I cannot wait for the next adventure to begin as I run towards the finish line.

High Maintenance Alert

I have never been one of "those girls" who spend hours primping and preening in front of the mirror. Now don't get me wrong, I am far from being no maintenance, but I would like to have thought of myself as low maintenance. Considering I used to get ready faster than my husband proves my point.

That has all gone to pot though. I used to have the basics in makeup. Now I am thinking of a way to organize my many pots of items that up until a year ago I never knew existed. Really..who uses cheek highlighter?  I am as fake as the come.

What used to take 5 minutes and under now takes close to 15 minutes..and this is just the makeup portion of the morning. By the time I draw on my eyebrows, make my skin look lifelike and my eyelashes look fuller<at least that is what the package says> and add a bit of lip gloss; I find myself pressed for time...and I still have to do my hair...and get dressed. Yes getting dressed has become a low priority, I am always happy when my socks match and I do not look like a wrinkled laundry heap.

I hate to admit it..but maybe I should have kept up the wig. There was a bit of freedom in taking two seconds to plop it on my head and off I would go. Now I am busy trying to fill in the bald spots on my head. My mother told me the other day that cancer ages you..boy she nailed that one...at the rate I am going, by the time I am 80 it is going to take the whole day just to get ready. Given the fact that I like to go to bed early, by the time I get dressed I may as well just put on my nightgown.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not willing to throw away the hair dye or razors and go completely mad..but maybe someday I will wake up and forget about my hair looking like I stuck my finger in a light socket...leave my prosthetic to rest for the day and go for a walk-- OK that actually made me laugh out loud. I am thankful my husband loves me through my vanity but am happy that he loves me because of it too. For you my dear I will draw my eyebrows in daily!

Vanity is hair

I know I have written a lot about hair, but when you go from having lots to none you become slightly obsessed. All my life I have fought with my hair (too thick, too curly) and to this day there has been no exception. I am here to testify <can I get a witness> that no matter what type of hair you have there is a solution out there, you just have to find it.

My hair is slowly growing back in but my eyebrows have stopped their growth. I actually had to get them waxed the other week. Not because they were unruly, quite the opposite. I actually was getting confused as to where I should pencil them in. I had hairs growing in places where I didn't want them. Isn't that always the way? They can't fill in at the ends..no they have to choose a space between my upper eyelid and brow. So a waxing I went. I actually have a brow shape now to help with the drawing...thank you Anastasia makeup!

Now to get personal. My body hair has kind of come back...with the exception of a "personal region". I figure lots of woman pay for what I now have naturally so I am ok with this. Let nature reign.~that might have been too much information, phfft!

The top of my hair has been looking sparse and the back of my head is looking like male pattern baldness. So I started venturing to other blogs and read up on what has and hasn't worked- or more like what I am and am not willing to try. What did I decide upon?

Biotin. It is a vitamin (H to be exact) which does a bunch of things like help follicle growth. The good news...can help your metabolism increase and promote hair growth...bad news...side affect is facial hair...but I will take my chances

Next I have perfected the comb over and hairspray combo. Mind you I think my husband is going to take out shares in hairspray and invest in a gas mask at the same time. Is it really my fault that he walks in just as I am in the hairspray fog?

And lastly, I have found a product on amazon called Toppik. I think it is basically flakes of hair dye that you sprinkle into the parts of your hair to give it a fuller appearance. I have only been using it a couple of days, so I have yet to master the back bald spot but so far I am impressed with the results. It says that it will not run but I still held my breath when a drop of melting snow hit my head and ran down. All I could think of was will my hair run down my face..the answer <thankfully> was no, but I am not sure I am ready to test it in a downpour --yet!

So for all of you out there trying to find ways to help your locks look more lush, straight or curly...join the millions of other women and get your fingers clicking through the web to find a product for you...may the hair gods be forever in your favour!

Sizing Up

All my life I wished for bigger boobs. When I was younger and a very late bloomer in the breast department, I was teased and called "Rosebud" for my lack of development. I would look at my mom and wonder why her double D's didn't happen for me. While other girls were getting training bras and some even getting real bras I sat longingly wondered when I would have a chance to have my bra strap slapped.

Well let me be the first to say bras are not all they are cracked up to wish for, let alone something to fill them. While I do not have (had) large breasts, I do OK. Actually after having a mastectomy was the first time I thought smaller breasts would be better for two reasons
1. V necks are no longer an option with the prosthetic
2. Less taken off

As I have gotten older (and wider) my breasts have continued to grow. Most women's breasts decrease in size when they have weight loss..but oh no..oddity alert...mine have stayed the same. Which is good and bad. Over the past year I have gone through some changes (ya think?) and you would think those changes are mainly over, but no! The breast Gods have decided to play a cruel joke on me and grant me my wish of increasing my breast size. This would be great...IF I HAD TWO!!!

Unfortunately only having one real and one plastic makes things difficult when the real one decides to grow...since the plastic one stays the same. This makes for a bit of a challenge getting dressed in the morning. Right now I have one which is normal looking and one that looks like it is deflating. It is hard to believe that one nonexistent boob can cause so much of an issue. Who knew that at the young age (hey the cancer dr.s called me young) of 41 that I would be stuffing my bra with what ever I can find to even things out. I thought about getting an inflatable boob but what if it breaks? Is looking like you are lactating worse or better than a boob fart?

I always try to look for the light at the end of the tunnel. After my latest phone call to the plastic surgeon to see where I am on "the list", I discovered that THIS June or July maybe my time..whoot whoot...new boob(ies) here we come....maybe I should consider two brand new ones because my guess is that after the reconstruction they don't upgrade you for free.

Witch Doctor Which Doctor

So I decided that I would like to try to eliminate the hot flash issue. I have been taking a very low very low dosage of a drug called effexor to help reduce them, but decided why not try the referral to "the witch doctor".

M friend K recommended her after having gone to see several professionals about her problems to which she pinpointed a sensitivity to gluten and allergy to dairy fairly quickly that others couldn't diagnose. So I decided that I had nothing to loose.

Apparently she only takes calls on Wednesday morning between 8-10am which is when I have a weekly meeting scheduled. So trying to book an appointment was challenging at best. I finally got an appointment and wrote down the directions. Now I am directionally challenged at best and given the fact it was dark at 5pm added some extra challenge to driving out to an area I had never been. I googled it a couple of times and got land marks from some people and felt good about where I was going. That is until I realized that the land marks I had could only be seen in daylight. You would think a lake would be visible...except when there are no street lights.

I finally find the street and there is only one house which I cannot find a number for so I walk up to the front of the house. Hmmm no porch light on, so I take a step closer and realize my foot is tangled on something..a dog lead....ok that could have been bad. I ring the door bell and wait. A woman answers the door..H? Yes.

She turned around and mumbled something and pointed to a room which she turned on a the light in and then mumbled something else that sounded like she was finishing dinner. So I assumed I was to wait in the lite room. I looked around to a variety of organized chaos and wondered what I had gotten myself into. After what was only a few minutes (but felt like an eternity) she came back to the room and said "ok" and turned and went down another hallway and into another room. I followed blindly. I enter a room which had a wall of pills, a massage table, two chairs and an electric stand alone fireplace. "Where should I sit?" She mumbled something so I just sat in the most comfortable chair of the two.

She was busy getting a pen and paper so I was able to get a good look at her. I place her about 55-60, about 4'9", with a bob and lots of layered clothing but looked normal. No gnarly nose or black hat in site. She asked me a variety of medical questions and was really only interested in current things as opposed to long ago issues.

She asked me to stand with my right foot and left arm out. She then gently pushed on the end of my hand.. Then she asked me to put out the opposite hand and foot; which she pushed on as well. She then looked at me and said (clearly) "Do you run into a lot of things?" ahhh ...yes. "You are out of balance"...ok? Apparently when I walk my left arm and leg want to go together as opposed to my left leg and right arm...funny I have never noticed this. So my body is trying to spin in a circle. Hmm makes sense and I have lots of bruises to show for my running into things..I just took it as me being me. (I did randomly fall down once while just standing stillish while others climbed down a hill)

She asked me to lay on her table and put her hand under my head. I closed my eyes while she gently moved her fingers around. I felt like my brain cells were swirling. She then went to my feet and pushed them down. Asked me to stand up and repeat the same procedure as before. "There" she said quite satisfied. "That's fixed"..??? all I felt was dizzy.

I laid back down on the table and she asked my to put my arms straight up with my palms facing out and my hands touching. As she put bottles of pills on my stomach I was to try to keep my hands together. Easy right? Not so much. Some pills she couldn't pull my hands apart and others, no matter how hard I tried she did it easily. By the end there was a whole trove of boxes and bottles on my stomach.

I sat up and she asked if I used canola oil? Odd question but yes I used it last night to make popcorn but use olive oil on a regular basis. She wanted me to switch to coconut oil, eat kale and take the variety of vitamins laying before me. Basically they are fish oil, magnesium, an estrogen boosting supplement and rhodilia. Ok I could do this. I paid and then got up. She made no movement from her chair. I am thinking we are done but she makes no movement.

Instead she starts patting a dog and telling me about her kenneling services. I put on my jacket and asked "What now"? Take the vitamins for a month then come back and see me. I am not to stop taking my current drug or vitamins. I then start to leave and she doesn't follow. I come across a closed dog gate which was not there before. I attempt to open it but I am not sure how it works. So I go back and ask her. She tells me about a hidden lever but stays patting the dog and makes no attempt to come help me or see me to the door. I do manage to get out and back to my car. Ok I just paid a lot of money for a whole lot of weird!

Follow up: The vitamins have reduced my hot flashes to 1-2 a day from 3-5. I have noticed my right arm swings when I move my left leg and vice versa. I am not sure if this is new or now I notice it. My husband says it is new.

I have gone back to see H one more time and have another appointment scheduled for January as she has begun working on other issues I have..chronic nasal drip. The second time was not as odd as the first time, except she answered the door in her jammies and held the boxes up to my face as opposed to my stomach but lets see how this progresses before I pass judgment as for now things seem to be working so I guess her potions are worth it!

Downward Dog

I have done yoga off and on over the years. Actually more off than on, but after 3 years off I decided I would try it once again. So I coaxed my friend R into going with me to a class which my friend (K)teaches. This way I have comfort all around.

I don't think R has ever been to a yoga class so I picked a class where you go in for the stretch and then hold. Your body eventually releases to the pain and relaxes. R and I have a habit of going places and breaking out in giggles to the point where we are worried about getting asked to leave..but it has never made it to this point(none that I remember anyways). I figured with K teaching the odds were in our favour.

We enter the room and everyone is getting out cushions and pads..ok I don't remember this from the description, but like good little lemmings we do the same. We roll out our mats in the opposite direction as we are at the front of the class and I need to see. The room is darkish with candles lite all around. Ahhh nap time!

We begin with a couple of moves and I learn quickly that the parking lot light and I are not in agreement. Its cascading brightness into my zen-like ways was making me want to get a large rock and bust it. ommmmm

I think I am doing pretty well and I am getting back into the rhythm of things when we have to go into a frog pose. Ok I am human...and apparently I am not meant to be a frog. After a couple goes I figure it out but feel like an idiot with my feet turned out and my butt up in the air..now this is sexy, but I am thankful no one is behind me as spandex only holds in so much...ommm. I place a bolster under me so I am able to hold the frame for 5 minutes and relax into the pose...damn f'ing light! ommmm

After five minutes we are told to slowly come back to sitting and as I begin I can hear the beginnings of the suction from my boob releasing. Normally when this happens it is a slight noise but in a silent room it came our as a flatulent excretion sound...yes it sounded like I let one rip. To my horror, I look to my left where R is trying to control her laughter, but once we make eye contact all control is lost. I am trying to point to my boob to explain but her shaking shoulders tell me that she is gone. We can no longer look at each other for fear of giggles erupting more.

We finish the class by relaxing on out back and I have now started thinking about the many ways to smash the light...ommmm...but then I realize I am lost on the purpose of the class...ahhh to hell with that..my concentration was lost at the boob fart. Damn FROG!

Nip and Tuck

So I am on the track of semi-stalking my plastic surgeon to be. Lucky him. I found out about an information session on what is known as BRA day or Breast Reconstruction Awareness where my plastic surgeon along with two others would be speaking. People from all over called and emailed me to tell me about the seminar to the point where I almost updated my facebook status to "I KNOW", but then those people would have to be on facebook.

B was working that night, so off I went in the blustering cold to find the seminar room in the hospital. I am sad at best with directions so I called B to ensure I was on the right path and after confirming with him, asking information and walking the 100 steps to the room I found my way(and a washroom along the way). I got my sense of direction from my dad:)

I filled out a ballot after seeing others ahead do the same (lemming alert!) and found a seat not too close to the front but not too far back either. It was the Goldilocks of seats. I looked around and noticed that no one else was there alone. I had other people who would have come with me but I thought "This is information only, I don't have to make my decision today". There were woman and partners, woman and friends and woman who I think were on a "Girls night out"...some people need to get out more. As well as woman old, young and some in obvious stages of cancer.

The session began with a woman who had gone through surgery 7 years ago...who now looked about 12...and she introduced the Doctors and explained some housekeeping rules, she mentioned the ballots and the food.  FOOD??? How did I miss that part. Oh well, my grumbling tummy would have to wait, and there would only be two doctors speaking today as one was unable to attend. <Please don't let it be mine.> If I am planning to stalk someone I should at least know what they look like. Small technicality.

The session was quite informative and I learnt that each surgeon has different ways they operate both in the operating room as well as with their administrative staff. My guy was there ...phew..and he doesn't call you until it is getting time to work out a plan and operate. There are also 4 types of surgeries...these are by no means the proper descriptions but it is my take on them.

1. Pump it up- They stick an inflatable implant in and every month inflate your skin by filling the implant with saline each month until you reach the desired size.
Timeline: 3 months to inflate, 1 simple surgery for breast implant and 1 for nipple

2. Fun Bags- Implant surgery..as seen all over Hollywood. Saline and a new silicone option available
Timeline: 1-2hours of surgery for breast(s) 2nd surgery for nipple

3. TRAM flap (ouch 1)- If you have had radiation this is option 1. They take a section of your back, fling it still attached and slap it on your front.(Gives you the basic idea). Do some microsurgery, hope it takes and bam..new boob. Apparently looks life like and an implant and fat injections are likely needed unless you are an A
Timeline: 3-4 hours for surgery 1 and 1 hour for surgery 2 (nipple)

4. DIEP Flap- This is a tummy tuck and boob job in one. Lots of microsurgery involved in joining blood vessels. It is the most risky as it doesn't always take and it usually takes 10-12 hours!!!!! and then they still have to do the nipple. This is option number 2 for apres radiation...and probably the one I will venture in to, but we will see.

I felt well informed after the session and realized my wait was probably still 1.5 years away due to limited operating room time lines as reconstruction after cancer for breast health is not considered a priority. I would like to oppose this view and believe we all need to start writing letters to the appropriate people to get this changed. I guess my stalking will have to change direction...I am so fickle.

At the end they drew for prizes...remember the ballot? And go figure, I won a compression bra..well that will come in handy 1.5 years from now.

And where does the nipple come from? The cut the skin into a Olympic podium looking pattern and then pull it together and voila...one nipple!