I have a date!...for surgery. March 26th. So between now and then I am focusing on me. Plain and simple. For the next 39 days I am going to concentrate on making the best me (physically) I can. This will not only help me heal faster but give me the confidence but the motivation I have been looking for. I will not be joining a gym and I will be doing this by myself. This is a personal challenge that I have made to myself so excuse me while I disconnect from the world.
My Pledge
1. I will eat healthily. This is not to say that a cinnamon crunch bagel will not make it into my diet, but it will be a reward not a regular thing.
2. I will go on two long walks per week. Consisting of one hour each. These are solo walks where I need to concentrate on moving my feet not chatting.
3. I will attempt to meditate once a week, even if it is for 10 minutes. This is a hard thing for me as turning off my brain is like trying to blow out a battery operated candle.
4. Yoga practice. I can do this at home or at the two studios I belong to and will do it two times per week.
5. When I am feeling blah I need to get up and get on the elliptical machine or do something for 20 minutes, even if it is dancing in my living room...curtains closed:)
I know my friends will want to join me and encourage me but for this time only I am going to decline, this is a personal journey of discovering myself and my strength alone. I will need your help after the surgery and love all of you for wanting to help. I will take your well wishes and even encourage you to take the same journey. I will keep you up to date on my progress....Here I go!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
A lump in my throat
I don't think you ever forget the feeling of finding out you have cancer. The pit that falls to the bottom of your toes and drops out to the end of the earth. The mix of emotions that you and those around you feel and you do everything you can to keep it together, for the most part, but you are happy to be able to fall and have people you can count on when you can no longer stand up on your own.
Where am I going with this? I found a lump!
Now if you just had a pit in your stomach, I am going to have a "spoiler alert" and let you know it is a false alarm.
I started feeling pain about two months ago off and on in my left breast and it gradually kept getting more constant. I thought maybe it was the under wire in my bras and switched to non under wire bras and the pain persisted...and so did I. I felt my breast from top to bottom and if I could have dug my fingers into my rib cage I would have, then the worst thing a breast cancer survivor can find happened...I found a lump where the pain was. I thought that mayyyybeee I was looking for something that really wasn't there but to be on the safe side, I made a doctor's appointment. I also debated on telling my parents but thought no matter the outcome I wanted them to know...no secret rule!
I went to see my doctor who asked me why I had come in. I told him I needed a referral for an urgent mammogram to which he replied "how old are you? you shouldn't need a mammogram yet!"
SERIOUSLY MAN...could you not have "skimmed my file" before you entered the room. So I went through the story, he did a breast examine and yes- he too felt something in the pain spot. After I left my arm was tingling a bit on the left side and I went home and promptly got mad at the world but mainly my x-husband. Not to his face but in my mind...I gave him angry eyes! At the moment I needed a partner most, he was not there. Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support system in my life but there is something about curling up in bed and having your partner tell you everything will be alright no matter what, that can calm you like nothing else.
So I yelled at the walls instead had a slight mental breakdown and then realized, no matter what the outcome was small steps are the way to go. The lump this time felt different, it felt like someone was holding a match to my breast instead of stabbing me like last time. I called the hospital the next
morning to make sure my referral was received and I got an appointment for the next day. Self advocate all the way. Lesson learned.
Sleeping well the night before I took as a good sign that ultimately I should not be concerned and went to the appointment with determination, as this time I knew what to ask and look for. I snuck a peek at the mammogram slides and the technician confirmed she didn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to do the ultrasound to be sure as the spot I was feeling pain was hard to get at.
The radiologist confirmed nothing looked abnormal in my slides and began the ultrasound. Lots of dense tissue, but no "dark fluid pockets" like before. There was one highlighted dot which kept appearing which she summed up as a possible inflamed lymph node or a fatty cyst which had several blood vessels coming off of it which was unusual but nothing to be concerned about.....big sigh of relief.
The report will go back to my doctor after they look at it closer but glad I can breathe a big exhale. The thought of cancer returning is always there and I am vigilant about checking parts of me to the point where I am sure it could be considered self molestation, but I am glad that this year is starting off on the right foot with good news.
2014-- we might just get along!
Where am I going with this? I found a lump!
Now if you just had a pit in your stomach, I am going to have a "spoiler alert" and let you know it is a false alarm.
I started feeling pain about two months ago off and on in my left breast and it gradually kept getting more constant. I thought maybe it was the under wire in my bras and switched to non under wire bras and the pain persisted...and so did I. I felt my breast from top to bottom and if I could have dug my fingers into my rib cage I would have, then the worst thing a breast cancer survivor can find happened...I found a lump where the pain was. I thought that mayyyybeee I was looking for something that really wasn't there but to be on the safe side, I made a doctor's appointment. I also debated on telling my parents but thought no matter the outcome I wanted them to know...no secret rule!
I went to see my doctor who asked me why I had come in. I told him I needed a referral for an urgent mammogram to which he replied "how old are you? you shouldn't need a mammogram yet!"
SERIOUSLY MAN...could you not have "skimmed my file" before you entered the room. So I went through the story, he did a breast examine and yes- he too felt something in the pain spot. After I left my arm was tingling a bit on the left side and I went home and promptly got mad at the world but mainly my x-husband. Not to his face but in my mind...I gave him angry eyes! At the moment I needed a partner most, he was not there. Don't get me wrong I have an amazing support system in my life but there is something about curling up in bed and having your partner tell you everything will be alright no matter what, that can calm you like nothing else.
So I yelled at the walls instead had a slight mental breakdown and then realized, no matter what the outcome was small steps are the way to go. The lump this time felt different, it felt like someone was holding a match to my breast instead of stabbing me like last time. I called the hospital the next
morning to make sure my referral was received and I got an appointment for the next day. Self advocate all the way. Lesson learned.
Sleeping well the night before I took as a good sign that ultimately I should not be concerned and went to the appointment with determination, as this time I knew what to ask and look for. I snuck a peek at the mammogram slides and the technician confirmed she didn't see anything abnormal, but wanted to do the ultrasound to be sure as the spot I was feeling pain was hard to get at.
The radiologist confirmed nothing looked abnormal in my slides and began the ultrasound. Lots of dense tissue, but no "dark fluid pockets" like before. There was one highlighted dot which kept appearing which she summed up as a possible inflamed lymph node or a fatty cyst which had several blood vessels coming off of it which was unusual but nothing to be concerned about.....big sigh of relief.
The report will go back to my doctor after they look at it closer but glad I can breathe a big exhale. The thought of cancer returning is always there and I am vigilant about checking parts of me to the point where I am sure it could be considered self molestation, but I am glad that this year is starting off on the right foot with good news.
2014-- we might just get along!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Out with the old
Well 2013 is now officially over and it has been a year of turmoil. Needless to say I am happy to kick that year to the curb and look forward to all of the good things 2014 has to bring. Some people choose to make New Years resolutions, which they seem to break or ignore a week in. So as per normal I will not be making any resolutions only a "to do" list for 2014.
1. Concentrate more. In 2013 my brain was a flutter and I found myself staring aimlessly into blank space on many occasions, no alcohol involved. So this year I will take the time to concentrate on things and focus more on tasks ahead.
2. Get my ohm on. I have several friends who do yoga or teach yoga so it only makes sense that I get back into a regular practice. Plus it will help with my flexibility and strength and overall health.
3. Friendship is key. Having girl friends has really helped me this past year. Laughing and being overly silly in a way that only girls understand has brought me lots of joy. I look forward to developing new friendships and maintaining my current ones with my besties. I am grateful for all of you from my sex and the city group to my extended family, you make me smile everyday.
4. Chill. I am a fairly relaxed person and I have relaxed a lot this past year on my "Martha ways". This year I would like to continue the relaxed approach realizing that the small things do not matter as much as the big picture.
5. #4 being said I am making an exception. To do small things for people that can make a big difference for them.
So 2014 is a year of fun, laughter and rebuilding my life. It is the year of the horse so I look forward to jumping on, kicking it in to high gear and galloping off into the unknown.
1. Concentrate more. In 2013 my brain was a flutter and I found myself staring aimlessly into blank space on many occasions, no alcohol involved. So this year I will take the time to concentrate on things and focus more on tasks ahead.
2. Get my ohm on. I have several friends who do yoga or teach yoga so it only makes sense that I get back into a regular practice. Plus it will help with my flexibility and strength and overall health.
3. Friendship is key. Having girl friends has really helped me this past year. Laughing and being overly silly in a way that only girls understand has brought me lots of joy. I look forward to developing new friendships and maintaining my current ones with my besties. I am grateful for all of you from my sex and the city group to my extended family, you make me smile everyday.
4. Chill. I am a fairly relaxed person and I have relaxed a lot this past year on my "Martha ways". This year I would like to continue the relaxed approach realizing that the small things do not matter as much as the big picture.
5. #4 being said I am making an exception. To do small things for people that can make a big difference for them.
So 2014 is a year of fun, laughter and rebuilding my life. It is the year of the horse so I look forward to jumping on, kicking it in to high gear and galloping off into the unknown.
Monday, December 16, 2013
The bear went over the mountain
When I was about four I decided to take my Paddington Bear and "climb" up the rungs of my dresser. That brilliant idea got me two black eyes and a dresser on top of me. You would think I could rack that up to lessons learned but I continued to try to climb the mountain, not physically- mentally.
I went to see my surgeon for my second year visit and we have an odd relationship. He is very blunt and matter of fact (just what you want in a surgeon) and I am a no holds barred kind of answer girl.
Dr.T: So I see no ring
Me: Yup
Dr.T: What happened there
Me: Life
Dr T: That happens a lot. So what are you going to do about it
Me: Nothing...yet. I am going to wait until after my surgery
Dr.T: You know you are more than a boob
Me: Yes but it helps to not have false advertising
Dr.T: Shakes his head
Even though I don't count my year two down until the end of March he counts year two from the date of diagnosis...ahhh what's a couple of months.
Lately I have been getting out more and doing lots of things. I have created my girlie dressing room, gone to a fancy martini party and have even ventured on a couple of first dates. I am not ready to venture into the romantic lane just yet but it is great to find out that men still find me attractive and greatly amusing. After having your self esteem pulled down to the bottom of the mountain it makes the climb more of an adventure and taking note of lessons learned. I am looking forward to getting to the top one step at a time. Sunshine mountain here I come!
I went to see my surgeon for my second year visit and we have an odd relationship. He is very blunt and matter of fact (just what you want in a surgeon) and I am a no holds barred kind of answer girl.
Dr.T: So I see no ring
Me: Yup
Dr.T: What happened there
Me: Life
Dr T: That happens a lot. So what are you going to do about it
Me: Nothing...yet. I am going to wait until after my surgery
Dr.T: You know you are more than a boob
Me: Yes but it helps to not have false advertising
Dr.T: Shakes his head
Even though I don't count my year two down until the end of March he counts year two from the date of diagnosis...ahhh what's a couple of months.
Lately I have been getting out more and doing lots of things. I have created my girlie dressing room, gone to a fancy martini party and have even ventured on a couple of first dates. I am not ready to venture into the romantic lane just yet but it is great to find out that men still find me attractive and greatly amusing. After having your self esteem pulled down to the bottom of the mountain it makes the climb more of an adventure and taking note of lessons learned. I am looking forward to getting to the top one step at a time. Sunshine mountain here I come!
Friday, November 29, 2013
Girl Time
Since I have decided to put the world of men on hold temporarily, I thought why not turn to women. Now don't start thinking things, I still like men. Having girlfriends is the best thing. The top 10 reasons why girlfriends are better right now
10. They don't care if I can cook, only that I know where the best cocktails are
9. They can make you laugh until your belly hurts by dumping a tire on their head
8. They will help and even promote you going into the woods during hunting season to chop down trees without an orange vest on as it would ruin your outfit
7. Impractical footwear is a given for any occasion
6. Boy watching is encouraged if not a mandatory event
5. Shopping is one of their favourite activities even if it is at Sobeys
4. Wine over whining is considered fun times
3. They feel your pain over a broken nail or a lost lip gloss
2. They also have bad hair days but have a drawer full of hair products to help
1. Girls, plain and simple, really do just want to have fun
Thank you to my closest besties
10. They don't care if I can cook, only that I know where the best cocktails are
9. They can make you laugh until your belly hurts by dumping a tire on their head
8. They will help and even promote you going into the woods during hunting season to chop down trees without an orange vest on as it would ruin your outfit
7. Impractical footwear is a given for any occasion
6. Boy watching is encouraged if not a mandatory event
5. Shopping is one of their favourite activities even if it is at Sobeys
4. Wine over whining is considered fun times
3. They feel your pain over a broken nail or a lost lip gloss
2. They also have bad hair days but have a drawer full of hair products to help
1. Girls, plain and simple, really do just want to have fun
Thank you to my closest besties
Monday, November 4, 2013
Donkey Riding
Eeek, have you looked around and seen what is out there...to date I mean. It has been a long time since I have been part of the game of the dating world and a lot has changed. Heaven forbid people meet in casual ways, now they want to date and review you on line. The pressure. If I don't have enough body issues currently, add rejection to your profile as another one.
Get back in the saddle again they say, sigh, the saddle seems too high. Maybe I will just sit back and polish the saddle while other go off riding.
Seriously, how do you even begin to THINK about the world of dating. Every time you turn around someone has a story about stalkers or just plain crazies coming out. I am too old to fix anyone and frankly if you have mommy or daddy issues...STAY AWAY. The thought hurts my head too much, I am going to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate until spring.
Get back in the saddle again they say, sigh, the saddle seems too high. Maybe I will just sit back and polish the saddle while other go off riding.
Seriously, how do you even begin to THINK about the world of dating. Every time you turn around someone has a story about stalkers or just plain crazies coming out. I am too old to fix anyone and frankly if you have mommy or daddy issues...STAY AWAY. The thought hurts my head too much, I am going to climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and hibernate until spring.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Decisions Decisions
Over the past month a lot of decisions have been made and my brain power has been maxed out. While my personal life has been in turmoil with my emotions stuck on the biggest roller coaster with way too many loops for me to hold my cookies, my work life has also been chaotic. Wondering whether or not I will be able to afford to keep working at my place of employment or will I have to find a job that pays more. On top of it all work was very busy and longer hours were needed.
I spent most nights coming home, walking my dog (who is always happy to see me) shoving in some food to stop the growlies and going to bed. I felt like I was in a constant state of zombie. Until I woke up one day and thought "alright you" decisions need to be made. I started making small decisions everyday to lead up to the bigger ones, like where was I going to live...kind of important. Stressing out over getting a mortgage on my own and attempting to move on with my life as a single took more courage than facing cancer. With cancer the decisions were really made for me. The decisions I now needed to make were not about life or death but about survival of my mental state.
The first big decision I made was about my body. What did I want it to look like? I stood one day in front of a full length mirror..NAKED! Which any woman knows is intimating on its own. I looked side to side. Tightened and loosened skin and thought what did I want to do about my boob job and what would be best for me. I decided a "lift kit" on the left side would bring the poor tired lonely one back to it rightful place. Right beside her new perky implant friend. Who would be constructed from my back muscle. I would say "so long" to my nubin' and just like that ...one major decision down.
Next I started bringing home boxes to pack up some things of my husbands and asked him to move out the piano that was a bone of contention for the past several years. After that, the decisions just kept rolling.
I woke up one morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. I started looking around at bare spots where possessions once were lovingly placed and thought..."they are just things". What really matters is that I am going to be alright.
I spent most nights coming home, walking my dog (who is always happy to see me) shoving in some food to stop the growlies and going to bed. I felt like I was in a constant state of zombie. Until I woke up one day and thought "alright you" decisions need to be made. I started making small decisions everyday to lead up to the bigger ones, like where was I going to live...kind of important. Stressing out over getting a mortgage on my own and attempting to move on with my life as a single took more courage than facing cancer. With cancer the decisions were really made for me. The decisions I now needed to make were not about life or death but about survival of my mental state.
The first big decision I made was about my body. What did I want it to look like? I stood one day in front of a full length mirror..NAKED! Which any woman knows is intimating on its own. I looked side to side. Tightened and loosened skin and thought what did I want to do about my boob job and what would be best for me. I decided a "lift kit" on the left side would bring the poor tired lonely one back to it rightful place. Right beside her new perky implant friend. Who would be constructed from my back muscle. I would say "so long" to my nubin' and just like that ...one major decision down.
Next I started bringing home boxes to pack up some things of my husbands and asked him to move out the piano that was a bone of contention for the past several years. After that, the decisions just kept rolling.
I woke up one morning, made a cup of coffee and sat on the couch. I started looking around at bare spots where possessions once were lovingly placed and thought..."they are just things". What really matters is that I am going to be alright.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)